Today,
I wanted to...
1. understand people
2. let go of frustration
3. know everything
4. understand Photoshop instantly
5. stand on a hill and scream
6. go look for yellow shoes
7. not protect myself
8. not be assertive
9. not be straightforward
10. and honest
11. move into our house
12. have all our things around us (and my husband back...he is in the UK)
13. not having to breathe through stuff
14. say what I felt
15. close my eyes and imagine him arriving into this world from us
16. not feel scared
17. today i got angry and it felt good.
Arriving home today after different silly little incidents that made me want to really express how i was feeling, I walked into the house. Kellen came over, took my hand and made me sit on the kitchen floor. He ran to the cupboard, open it and came running back, laughing, with the giggles* in his eyes, and the peanut butter jar in his hands. He made me open it...sat down next to me...showed me to go first...and we dipped our fingers in the jar...licked them off. Expressing the mmmmmm's and aaaahhhh's...He giggled* and said 'nog' (which means more)..and with every little giggle, I could feel the silly incidents falling off my shoulders...escaping from my mind...reminding me that those were just silly little moments in my day...that my day is amazing!
I took a few photos of his yummy little hands...this one spoke to me...
When we moved i lost my birthday calender, and I must admit that it is quite freeing to not have to remember to phone anyone on their birthdays. I just let it go...this photo reminded me of where I am/were these past few weeks...i let it all go...the things I felt I needed to do...the obligations towards others....the reminders to phone people...blogging...my career ambitions...these few weeks I concentrated on being human. On doing ordinary things every extraordinary day.
Seeing this photo, I'm reminded that I'm still holding on ...holding on to my ambitions of being a fabulous and successfull businesswoman, a super wife, an amazing mommy, a fantastic friend, sister, daughter...I still want to be it all at once....but the light is shining in on me...me opening up slowly....to scared to let the light in completely.
