wish upon a star*

Star light, star bright,

The first star I see tonight,

I wish I may,

I wish I might,

Have the wish I wish tonight!

Wishes do come true...

and when they come true, you have such a fright,

never in your life have you thought that it might actually come true!

So be careful for what you wish for...:-) they might just come true!

M3 and I are visiting my parents in Slave Lake, Canada for a few weeks in preparation of parenthood. What are we expecting to happen? We have no idea! We are trusting the process, taking just one day at a time. Just one day... even though your heart gets an extra beat when you think about it all... it's calming down time... living in the present...only need to feel today...right now... thinking about that... my family are all still fast asleep.

M3 and my dad went quadbiking yesterday for 120km's, came back dusted and sunburned! I giggled when I saw M3, he looked like a little school boy with only his eyes recognisiable. We had the most beautiful sunny days. Today is a bit more clouded...which makes me think of time to slow down... and just relish in the memories and thoughts of what is to come!

On Wednesday we are leaving for Jasper National Park as well as Lake Louise and Banff for about 10 days. M3 has never been in Canada and I wish I could capture the awe in his expression as he nourish and breathe in the beauty of Alberta!

Something that makes me really excited is that I'll be meeting this gorgeous photographer & poet! (It amazes me how small our world are.. her parents live in the same town mine does.) Not even to talk about being in the same country as she is... just 2.5 hours away. Just thinking...I'm waiting for the thunderstorm today... to imagine her racing on her bicycle through the rain!

A fun thing for me to do when arriving on an airport is to see which destinations are on the board for arrivals and depatures.... imagining myself jetting off to that place! While waiting for my mom on Heathrow Airport Thursday morning, I imagined returning from New York, Seattle, Toronto, Portland, San Francisco, Peru, (just to name a few).. and instantly realised that our lives are changing as from 2 weeks ago with this little blessing coming into our lives! I remember thinking great! we'll just to postpone our plans for a few years! Promising myself that we will inspire this little boy (and all our other children - this is just the beginning) to pursue their dreams... of which travel will be one! Seeing how M3 's face lit up being in a different country, embodied that dream and realisation that we have to live our lifes in a way that we can show our children how to embrace life to the fullest! Whichever road you take, whichever dream you dream!

I'm in a very exciting and content phase in my life at this very moment. Since living for this very minute, right now, my life have become more simple, and livable, and i love every minute of it! It is freeing not dwelling on the past, not thinking of the future, to just be in this moment. Along with this also comes an awareness of huge changes that are going to occur, life changing, financial changes... but none of this scares me as I know that what is happening and where we are, is exactly where we are meant to be. I want to get all excited with joy and anticipation of what is to come, but pulling me back to right now, makes me aware that I'm aware of my own feelings of things that I might loose, which is challenged with the magnitude of what are going to gain.

It's funny how you think about things and as soon as you want to write it down, you think about every word you write.

This morning I went to read how my friend is doing... and what is going on in her life. When opening her blog, I saw a beautiful photo of a star and the heading is wish upon a star, wishes do come true... I was going to post to her to really wish, because they do come true! She named the star 'Kellen's star'! wish made the tears well to my eyes and goosebumps all over my body... thank you my friend, for keeping our dream alive! xx

Wish upon a star! Come on! I dare you! xx

54 days*

Sweet you,

 just back from my ‘whirlwind-dreams-coming-true’ week, with a moment to breath… and connect…i was going to write you an email, but what i want to say is my epiphany, my ‘accepting of the preparation for this very minute’.

this past year, living in another country, feeling lonely…. you know all that I felt through out this year… you journeyed with me…

In retrospection :-) today and this past week only… I’ve realised that (for me) God prepared me in every way possible for this past week. He used this year, in a different country, where I pitied and sulked and cried and felt so utterly lonely and deprived of friendships and family - He used this year to prepare me to go within, to look at myself with open eyes, no secrets to hide, no giggling to protect, no walls of protection, no people to misguide/mislead me to ‘be busy’ with other things, He used this year to help me to look at myself with an open heart, at every little and big detail about myself, to accept those I didn’t want to, and to embrace those parts of me that I was too scared to look at.

I did not know any of this before last week… before Monday, the 7th of June, I was searching for me, for my future, for where I want to go, what I want to be, who I want to be, and how and where and when… all the same emotions you are feeling. The big search for you don’t even know what. All you know is that you want to know, but it is as if and when you think about ‘what I want to do and become’… it just stop. There is this huge space…. and it just stop.

It brought me back to the here and now. It brought me back to living in the present,to reaching within and embrace all of who I am. It taught me to breath… to put my feet softly down - to ground myself. I feel grounded. I feel connected to myself. I feel my heart beating with every second that passes through me. I feel me, which is in normal circumstances totally not the me I used to know.

All the uncertainty channelled me towards my heart and soul. I know now that I am me.

Right now, at this moment, all we have to do is to trust the process… trust the process… trust the process….

So sweet friend, all that I just said here is my own epiphany of myself and my life, of what happened for me this past year, to where I am this very minute.

I embrace all of you… your uncertainty, your sadness, your not knowing, your fears, your excitement, your heart, your soul and YOU.

I trust your feelings, I trust your emotions, I trust your dreams, I trust in YOU. I trust the process.

Love you xx

This was my note on my friends last post, which is exactly how I feel... since Saturday a few not so new feelings were added. Just reading about a beautiful woman's journey and the very difficult road she is on, I was wondering where this road is heading/leading/going...I get all excited! to just think about the past, and then imagining just what exciting things lie ahead... especially with the magic in our lives at this very minute. 

I've come to realise these past few weeks that we don't have any control over our life. We have the power, which is love, to live it as full as we possibly and humanly can, through love. My sister-in-law did a angel reading for me last weekend when we were in CT and the first card I pulled was 'power'. She told me to imagine a cap over my shoulders... with a torch in my hand, which I'm holding up and there is this bright light shining from the torch. Then she asked me to close my eyes, to imagine holding the torch and asked me how I felt. 

I felt uncomfortable... I don't like being in such a position... on which she said two things... (1) control is fear-based...(2) power is all love! God shines through us, into our hearts and the light is the love from within us and God. 

Instantly I knew the feeling I had was fear based, knowing that my heart is overflowing with LOVE! Specifically these past few days, whenever I start to feel as if I'm 'freaking out' (best description :-), I focus on my power within, trusting the process and the fear subside. 

For me this has been a lesson in letting go, in trusting, and loving with an open heart! I am excited with the possibilities.. .I'm thinking... If I just think about what already happened in my life in the past few years, I'm over the moon to think what can happen in the next few...my heart just open even more! 

5 years ago when our 2nd attempt for IVF failed I went to church. The pastor was talking to the teenagers and I still thought wrong night. No message for me. I decided when they all get up to sing, I'm just going to disappear. Even before that, all of sudden, the pastor turn to my side of the church and said: 

"You, you who are angry with God, sit." 

Silently I sat down... and listened :0) 

That night God spoke directly to me and said through Phillippians 1 verse 6: "being confident of this very thing that he who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ".

I've carried this verse in my heart all these years. Whenever I doubt our purpose of being parents, I would grasp for this verse and embrace it. I want to say I think God is working with the good in us.. and all these years He prepared us for what is coming...'' and what is coming is GOOD! 

So, what have you been carrying in your heart for so many years? xx

 

gratitude*

These past 11 days have been...

magical! 

awesome! 

huge! (HUGE!)

unreal! 

special! 

dreams coming true! 

scary! 

information overload.

tears.

JOY.

Love! 

emotion.

flying on cloud 9

thinking.

changing plans.

amazing!!!!

feeling supported

and grounded.

connected to a higher source from within! 

beauty!

family.

freaking out silently from within :0) 

admiration.

braveness.

watching and seeing the hurt in their eyes.

breathing in the space around my heart...

wanting to....

swoop him up in my arms and kiss him all over! 

hug him! 

to cuddle...

to read stories...

to talk to him...

to listen to his babbling...

to watch him sleep...

to touch him softly on his cheek...

to kiss him in the little space in his neck behind his ear...

to play with him...

to sing with him...

and for him...

and dance! He loves music! 

breathing out.... opening my heart...

I am patiently waiting...

My time is coming,

I'm going to be a mommy. xx

* I'll still write every little detail down for you to share in our journey... today I'm trying to get my head around packing within a week, going to Canada for 3 weeks, returning to the UK on 17/8, moving house that week, and returning to SA to make a home for our little family for 5 months in SA... I'm hanging in the hammock on cloud 9... it's the most amazing feelings of possibilities...

GRATITUDE is the only word that springs to mind... xx

59 days*

M3 & our little boy

and counting...

we are legal guardians to this gorgeous little boy.  

59 days... then he is our son! 

We introduce to you Kellen Malan.

(Mighty Warrior in Irish... name his mommy chose)

CRAZY! please PRAY!

Life is crazy! 

God works in mysterious ways. Friday evening I'm flying to Cape Town, South Africa, to  join M3, to introduce ourselves to a mommy and her dad as prospective adoptive parents. (!!!!!!!!!!!) 

A friend phone me on Monday afternoon asking me if we would be interested to adopt a little one and a half year old boy...  and it is all happening now ! Within 3 days,  we are possible adoptive parents, no waiting, no fussing... 

I don't even know what to write. This is just all so huge! So real! so unreal! 

It's scary! and exciting! and mind-boggling. it's baffling! it's great! and wonderful! and the boy is adorable! 

M3 and myself is going through so many emotions... so i'm flying to cape town to be with my husband. So that we can hold each other, and talk and love and express and cry and laugh and pray.... and hope and doubt! and do whatever is necessary to just do it! 

I told my dad tonight and i thought it is huge to decide if you are going to choose between a job that pays well and one that pays less than half of that. 

We are not even on a adoption list. She is friends with a friend of ours... who told her everything there is to know about us.. she feels comfortable with us... this is just soo huge!!!! 

i'm opening my heart with every breath...

i'm trusting the process...

i'm trusting that God knows what is going on...

i'm trusting that He already know what is going to happen....

i'm trusting... and allowing... and oh my! this feels like living in the moment! 

please please please pray and tell everyone to pray that God's will, that which He thinks is the best for that little boy, (and us) will happen... i'm trusting it will... which ever way it goes. 

(thinking of doing something mad! here I go! ) xx

wildest dream*

To do something like this... 

(watch the video)

Statistically speaking, Lin, the odds do not look good... "Hey, just remember to love yourself no matter what happens." Spiritually speaking, well... let's see... "Ooh, la, la! Where did you get that tan?! Is that your passport? You know Matt?!" Just so you know which side of the fence to play on. Thoughts become things,      The Universe

There's always a way, Lin, when we work together. xx

some sweetness*

'Do not let your fire go out

spark by irreplaceable spark, 

in the hopeless swamps of the approximate

the not-quite, the not yet, the not at all. 

Do not let the her in your soul perish, 

in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, 

but have never been able to reach. 

Check your road and the nature of your battle. 

The world you desire can be won. 

It exists.

It is real.

It is possible.

It is yours. 

(Ayn Rand) 

Yesterday afternoon I spent 3 hours in Borders... there was a special on for buy one book, get a second half price - in the travel section! My heart skipped a beat.  After browsing and smelling and listening and hearing what all the different books had to say, I left with 2 magazines and a book... excited! 

Today was community day at our school.  Our school has been federated to look after another primary school in our town. To support them and help them to raise the standards of their school.  The whole school, all 250 children, came over to ours for a picnic on the field and then an activity in the different class groups.  Every year group was color-coded and what fun! It was manic! (anybody teaching will understand!) But overwhelming! and amazing! and some places really funny! 

I came home this afternoon feeling blessed and privileged and thankful... for teachers... and mommies... and daddies... and connection! Yes! Connection! Connection with each other, with children, communities, different cultures, to be able to travel around the world and to have been blessed to have met every person I know, whether in person or through the internet. 

Life is amazing! So utterly amazing... 

This afternoon I took both magazines, 3 different books, (love having too much to read right next to me... being able to choose and relish in every one!) a cup of tea, a blanket and made myself comfortable on the sofa... I think I read 3 pages... naturally took an afternoon nap. Tonight I feel nourished, loved, inspired. Here is some sweetness* for you.. hope you feel the same. 

1.  this video, 

2.  which I saw on her blog... 

3.  you have to see her beautiful photos! 

4.  this gypsy makes my heart race with excitement! She is brave and beautiful! 

5.  a real magical mermaid! 

6.  i.n.s.p.i.r.a.t.i.o.n

Just thinking... what am i doing to make my dreams come true? xx