listening*

"Here comes your second change...take a deep breath, here comes your second change..."

Since reading this post about cleaning, I've been thinking and feeling differently about it. I used to think that it is great if people want to do it, I'll do it when it is needed, but there is a whole lot of living out there! (which does not include cleaning!) :-) Then whenever I clean or iron I think.. so this is what normal people do in their everyday life? I need to normalize. 

M3 left Friday evening for 3 weeks to work in our beautiful South Africa.  On Thursday evening at class it started feeling as if my internal balance is getting heavier and out of balance...I embraced it... and let it be... 

Yesterday was one of those days...I had to literally do something to get my balance back. I decided to spring clean our house... from top to bottom. As I moved through every room I honored where we have been, the memories, the love, the life we are living! I came to the dining room and instantly felt this is my favorite room in the house.  

(I was going to post photos of our living room, but for some reason, let's say the universe trying to tell me something), I could not post them.  I've also been looking for photos of how our previous dining room looked  and all the photos I came across were of empty rooms, taken on the day when we moved out.  They spoke loud and clear to me: it's time to let go! 

Recently I read a story about a man carrying all these bags of his life with him.  He stopped to rest under a tree and when he moved on, he left all his bags right there. He said: 

"For one thing, I found that I was always right where I wanted to be once I stopped making myself miserable for not being where I thought I should be. The truth is you don't need to be who you think you have to be. Therefore, you don't have to carry those things through life you think you need to make you that person.''

On Thursday evening we had to come up with a short term goal and write down the steps to get there.  It can be as simple as cleaning the house to as wild as becoming a parachute jumper. (won't that be fun! Makes me giggly inside...imagine! :-) I've been having the idea for years to start sitting in stillness and just to listen...  to meditate and to really hear what my heart and body has to say...  I have not done this in the past out of fear... I would start... and after a few minutes get up, telling myself there is more exciting things to do! (Little did I know). 

While looking for the photos, I found these in a different folder and hearing myself telling the universe I did hear her... but need to let go through saying good bye... This photo is of our living room... here we sat many evenings chatting and laughing and crying! These couches makes me giggle... my brother and his girlfriend, who is now his wife, came many a night to visit us. When they would sit down on these couches they would start talking about how they don't communicate, talking through their own stuff... and M3 and I would just listen... we called it 'the white couch' syndrome... (it happened with other people as well). M3 and I loved it... it meant that they felt safe and comfortable... they trusted our space and our love, they knew we would just listen... on their wedding day my brother thanked us, and said: 'and that white couch, we would be forever thankful!" 

This photo was taken from the living room, with a 'view' of the dining room, the window in the back on the left is the kitchen. On the right is the entrance hall, another living room following on that and then our bedrooms.  I loved sitting here and just looking at our home... appreciating every little thing. The glass candle flowers under the mirror used to remind me of myself... my softness and appreciation for life in the little things...  I always burned them when friends came to visit in the evenings, to welcome them as they walked into our home...

This was a gift from my very first friend I made here in Chilbolton. I thought she was 40 years old... 66! I could not believe it. She is young of heart! Kind! Generous! Alive! Objective! In love with her husband of 45 years. She paints, she makes little gifts for people, she visits with the elderly, she reads and travels and know who she is. She shows daily gratitude for every little thing, she is funny! A grandma, she listens, she mothers and she says the right thing at the right time (even if you think you don't want to hear it). 

She made this beautiful gift especially for me. 

With the universe allowing me to upload this photo, I realised that I have what I need right here, right now. I have friends, even if it is only Sheila - she is an amazing woman to have as your friend.  Whenever I'm with Sheila, I feel alive! and vibrant! and wanting to do so many things! I forget about everything in the past and we literally just live for this moment! 

It's a joy to be with her! I feel blessed to have her as a friend. 

We have a black wood table against the wall in our dining room with some of our photos on. One of those are this photo of us on our wedding day. This was one of the two photos that the universe allowed me to upload :-)

I feel my love for this man... I know how he supports me, comforts me, make me laugh, protect me, 

how he feels ME and every bit of my soul...I feel him and I know that he is the one constant in my life... 

I'm greatful to have the next 3 weeks just for myself. To practice listening and listening to myself. It's funny how everything comes to you when you are open for it. This morning I read the following: 

"Just listen for a moment.  But when you do, I want you to try listening in a new way. I want you to listen with all of you to all of you.  Listen as though every part of your mind and body is trying to hear something. Just be as open and attentive as you know how.  Expect the unexpected." (from The Secret of letting go - Guy Finley)

"Breathe into your heart, soften and open more with each breath."

(Unconditional love by Ed & Deb Shapiro) 

A very sweet (& wise) friend sent me an email..."before you give the power to someone else...more specifically somebody else...decide for yourself what it is YOU want".

The past few weeks I've been in awe of little dreams coming true...

*  seeing a field full of red poppies...

*  and a field full of white poppies...both of these along my drive to and from work

*  my sister and her husband feeling as if life has come full circle... being so happy! 

*  a dream of my brother, opening a shop selling things HE love, this weekend...

*  M3 seeing his parents and our families this weekend in Cape Town...

*  looking up at blue skies...

*  feeling the sun on my face...

*  picking up old books that changed my life, to re-affirm where I'm going...

*  making a decision after 8 years of thinking...

*  picking my mom up from the airport in 4 weeks...

*  going to Canada in 4 weeks...

*  seeing my dad...

*  loving every minute of my job...

*  having a new love for salads...

*  hosting a garden party (with a treasure hunt)...

*  loving photography...

*  connecting with friends over distances...magical...

*  knowing what I want...

This afternoon when I stopped in our driveway, got out of the car, I heard the tjirp-tjirp of birds... in front of our house is a Jasmine bush (love them!)  and pushing away the leaves, I saw a little mommy bird, with 2 little babies in the nest. They just stood there looking wide-eyed at me...

I realised how precious life is.  

I realised how privileged we are.  

I realised how much I have let go off. 

I realised how much I'm loved. 

I realised I feel loved... and treasured.

I realised I am content... and my heart feels soft. 

I bought these peonies over the weekend and they are so 'soft', every time I look at them it feels as if I can pick them up in both hands, hug them to my face and flower them all over me. 

The word 'soft' keeps coming up for me... it feels to me as if I am embracing life... 

Also, with reading my favorite books all at once, the beauty of the written word makes 'me' feel embraced...

" The fuzzy caterpillars which fell from their branches and crawled back up again taught single-mindedness".

" Rather than chairs and tables, I preferred the ground, trees, and caves, for in those places I felt I could lean against  the cheek of God". 

" If one completes the journey to one's heart, one will find oneself in the heart of everyone else". 

  (Father Thomas Keating) 

" Your heart is within you and from there will fill you with grace". 

"  Coming out of your mind is a way of giving yourself the spaciousness to be still, to touch deeper into your own      depths".

"To go out of your mind at least one a day is tremendously important. By going out of your mind you come to your senses!" (Alan Watts) 

I feel love. xx

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww!”(jack kerouac)

Do something mad today! xx

tiny little steps*

Little tiny dreams,
require little tiny thoughts
and little tiny steps.

Great big dreams
require great big thoughts
and little tiny steps.

Do I paint a clear picture?
The Universe

Guess what a life! requires???

what tiny little steps are you taking towards your dreams?

friends blushing*

It won't matter that 10,000 doors might be slammed in your face,
because when door number 10,001 flies open,
revealing pathways of jade and gardens of love,
with flowers dancing,
fountains sparkling,
friends blushing,
moonbeams beaming, and
abundance abounding,
you'll completely forget about all the other doors.

Happens every day,
The Universe

Reading this I started giggling - how true that 'friends start to blush'...heehee...xx

hope*

A girl from South Africa (me), a girl from Sweden and a girl from Nieu-Zealand went to visit a girl from Canada in a little place called Hope Cove in Devon, England.  

What does all 4 of them have in common, except from being foreigners? 

Beauty! 

Giggles! 

Dreams! 

Possibilities! 

Love! 

Open hearts! 

Friendship! xx

broken*

i'm good.

i love my work.
the time i spend with m3.
i love going home.
i love reaching out.
i love all the little details in life.

i'm looking forward to this weekend - going to spend time with 3 beautiful girls.

but today is tough. my heart skips an extra beat when i work with j. (a 5 year old boy with autism). he is having an emotional hard time the past few weeks. he tells met the whole time:
'i'm broken. i want to be mended, i'm broken. i broke my mommy. i want my mommy.'

i've tried everything. at the moment i'm at my last resort just comforting him, holding him on my lap, rubbing his arm, back and head while on my lap... it helps, but just for a moment.

my heart breaks everytime he gets upset. the pleading, the sound of desperation in his voice when he say the above, the total sadness in his voice... this all breaks my heart.

why am i writing about him today?

it's a feeling of not knowing what to do... of wanting to take him home, to comfort him and to surround him with love... with cuddles... making stories where we go to space... or going on a journey on a train.

i want to get him a pair of socks for every day. clean clothes and baths full of bubbles.

i want to hear his giggles again...xx

ordinary day*

today was a day to play in the field...

to fly his plane...

to play hide-and-seek....

to look for me...

(heehee...it was so funny!)

"here i am!"

'Where?", he ask. 

 'under the blue sky,' i answered...

'where?!' .

  'right here.' (giggles)

' Oh there :-) '

together they walked as the sun started to set - shining on them.

and they lived happily ever after...

what dreams are made of*

Last night M3 and myself watched a double episode of this magical! program.  

They visited the Teas family who took all their savings (and family) to buy a run down, old campsite, which they have changed into this... 

their dream was to change the lives of children with special needs.  

We were crying with amazement for these people.  It touched the space in our hearts where we knew this is what we want to do! 

I'm putting this out into the universe, so that she can keep reminding us when we least expect it! 

What are your dreams made off? xx

super sister-in-law*

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. ~ Henri Nouwen

Thank you...to you and you and you...and to my 'super sussie' for reaching out, for not trying to fix it, but rather to share how you feel.  Your words have touched my heart, comforted my soul.  I once read that for every low there will be a high - after yesterday's post, it could not go any lower, and today, being back at work, talking with my colleagues, not joking or lying about my feelings, not being ashamed of admitting that it was a long and lonely week, not hiding the tears that were right there...

not deleting the post, not thinking it was silly to write it, not lying to myself, not trying to make everything ok, not talking myself into believing that I'm ok when I'm not...

sitting down tonight with M3, talking about EVERYTHING, him not trying to fix it, hearing how he feel, how I feel, how we feel, makes me breathing out with a sense of 'all is going to be ok'. (wise words of a friend in Cape Town.... whenever I went to talk with her, she will always end our conversations with 'all is going to be ok'). 

When I got home today and opened my email a display  of 'perfection' awaited me from my sister-in-law. She is my soul-connection, my heart-to-heart, my blood swooshing through my veins. She is a writer, a poet, an artist, a mommy, a reminder of 'connecting to your true-self right now'.  She is a breathe of fresh air. She is all the blues of the earth.  She is words. She is 'embrace' and she is 'love'. 

(Chantal is my sister-in-laws' name - how adorable and sweet

to paste in her name)

I would LOVE to write like Chantal, or Bella, or Denise or Jaime, or Darlene, but I'm a kindergarden teacher, I write and explain and draw simplistic. When I read the beautiful, sometimes poetic ways these beauties (and many others) write, I get this urge to go on a million courses to be able to write like that.  

So when I received this little book from Chantal, with a little note saying: "I apologise for the 'flash' on the pages, just see it as 'flashes of inspiration'  - it is absolute perfection. 

Tears were running down my face, that she sent me such absolute perfection, that she knew 'just' what to send, knowing that this little book will be enough, that she knew that 'a little children's book' will comfort my heart, is just absolute perfection. 

Sussie, 'i heart you'. 

that is all i can say. xx

* to every one of you who send me a note - thank you... you are included in this post as one of those that touched my heart xx

surrender*

in this photograph, the green balloon would be me. 

the beach would be my playground, but there are no connections. 

the white flag would be my friends in the blogging community. 

the sea, or the ocean would be how wide and far and open my loneliness feels. 

Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. 

Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakens." ~ Carl Jung ~

i am vibrant! colorful! bright! alive! positive! sensitive! everywhere and no-where! 

but it feels as if there is a dark cloud hanging over me. 

I've been looking outside, dreaming of all the possibilities. 

Possibilities of going back to our home, our friends and our family. 

Possibilities right here in front of me which I see, but don't know how to reach. 

I've been looking inside, a lot. Have I awaken? In some sense, yes. 

but feeling the way i've been feeling the last year i would have to say no. 

since moving here i've been trying to live in the moment, treasure everything and body around us, reach for our dreams of traveling, i've been noticing small and tiny things around me which i never had the time for back home. 

i've been optimistic, happy, sad, crazy, overjoyed, under the weather. 

i've felt extremely happy and extremely lonely! 

i've been with myself for hours, which is nothing new, and i love doing that.  

but it feels to me as if, little by little, my spirit is dying.

i know i have a thousand things to be greatful for. 

i know we have family and friends around the world who loves and adores us. 

i know i'm never alone with where i am, thank you to you. 

i know i have the most awesome partner and husband in the world. 

i know i'm here and in a few years from now, i will realise what it was that i was suppose to learn right now. 

i know i'm healthy, and intelligent, and passionate about life, especially people. 

but i also know that i have never ever felt so alone. 

i live in front of my computer for the connection that is you. 

i watch my email to be acknowledged that i'm alive. 

i wait to hear that you know i'm here. 

i've always thought this will never be me, because i know i have a choice.

i know i can get up and go visit someone. 

i know i can get up and go walk in the common. 

i know i can get up and paint and create and take photos and read and eat and gim and sing and see and appreciate and dream and live. 

maybe it is the weather. 

maybe it is me.

maybe it is loneliness. 

maybe it is somebody else's fault.

maybe it is procrastination. 

maybe i'm just tired...

of reaching out

of living in the moment

of trying!

of smiling

of seeking for reasons to be happy

of wanting to go back home

of pulling my inner strength from deep down below

of throwing my shoulders back, 

knowing who i am, 

knowing i've done everything humanly possible to make friends here

knowing that i am greatful and positive and happy and alive and living in the moment. 

but in this moment, 

i'm really lonely. 

For me to admit to all of the above and to know that i'm sending this out to the universe, is not me.  

i'm the one who always try to make things happen, 

who will find something to do and be 

to be truly happy in this moment. 

i'm laying out my heart to all of you, 

somewhere out there must be the 'aha' moment 

but right now, we are here. 

in hampshire. 

with our lawn looking like a meadow and the birds singing outside.

 “Oh man! There is no planet sun or star could hold you, if you but knew what you are.”~ Ralph Waldo Emerson ~ 

i know i'm someone that no sun or star can hold, but right now, i don't know how to live that. 

i surrender.