surrender*

in this photograph, the green balloon would be me. 

the beach would be my playground, but there are no connections. 

the white flag would be my friends in the blogging community. 

the sea, or the ocean would be how wide and far and open my loneliness feels. 

Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. 

Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakens." ~ Carl Jung ~

i am vibrant! colorful! bright! alive! positive! sensitive! everywhere and no-where! 

but it feels as if there is a dark cloud hanging over me. 

I've been looking outside, dreaming of all the possibilities. 

Possibilities of going back to our home, our friends and our family. 

Possibilities right here in front of me which I see, but don't know how to reach. 

I've been looking inside, a lot. Have I awaken? In some sense, yes. 

but feeling the way i've been feeling the last year i would have to say no. 

since moving here i've been trying to live in the moment, treasure everything and body around us, reach for our dreams of traveling, i've been noticing small and tiny things around me which i never had the time for back home. 

i've been optimistic, happy, sad, crazy, overjoyed, under the weather. 

i've felt extremely happy and extremely lonely! 

i've been with myself for hours, which is nothing new, and i love doing that.  

but it feels to me as if, little by little, my spirit is dying.

i know i have a thousand things to be greatful for. 

i know we have family and friends around the world who loves and adores us. 

i know i'm never alone with where i am, thank you to you. 

i know i have the most awesome partner and husband in the world. 

i know i'm here and in a few years from now, i will realise what it was that i was suppose to learn right now. 

i know i'm healthy, and intelligent, and passionate about life, especially people. 

but i also know that i have never ever felt so alone. 

i live in front of my computer for the connection that is you. 

i watch my email to be acknowledged that i'm alive. 

i wait to hear that you know i'm here. 

i've always thought this will never be me, because i know i have a choice.

i know i can get up and go visit someone. 

i know i can get up and go walk in the common. 

i know i can get up and paint and create and take photos and read and eat and gim and sing and see and appreciate and dream and live. 

maybe it is the weather. 

maybe it is me.

maybe it is loneliness. 

maybe it is somebody else's fault.

maybe it is procrastination. 

maybe i'm just tired...

of reaching out

of living in the moment

of trying!

of smiling

of seeking for reasons to be happy

of wanting to go back home

of pulling my inner strength from deep down below

of throwing my shoulders back, 

knowing who i am, 

knowing i've done everything humanly possible to make friends here

knowing that i am greatful and positive and happy and alive and living in the moment. 

but in this moment, 

i'm really lonely. 

For me to admit to all of the above and to know that i'm sending this out to the universe, is not me.  

i'm the one who always try to make things happen, 

who will find something to do and be 

to be truly happy in this moment. 

i'm laying out my heart to all of you, 

somewhere out there must be the 'aha' moment 

but right now, we are here. 

in hampshire. 

with our lawn looking like a meadow and the birds singing outside.

 “Oh man! There is no planet sun or star could hold you, if you but knew what you are.”~ Ralph Waldo Emerson ~ 

i know i'm someone that no sun or star can hold, but right now, i don't know how to live that. 

i surrender.