soul*

Soul receives from soul that knowledge, therefore not by book
nor from tongue.
If knowledge of mysteries come after emptiness of mind, that is
illumination of heart.

nails & hurt*

I'm not really willing to write this post.

but I'm coming out.

I have to. For myself.
mostly for myself.

being honest about the truth.

Also, you have to know that I like detail...and feelings and emotions and reactions...and clarifications...and honesty...that is me. All upfront...

I did'nt want to blog before I have not finished my new banner/layout...(but oh! to be a photoshop dummy is difficult! )

I didn't want to blog before I have not settled down, because I want to start a whole new space with my new experience as a mommy...being uplifting! inspiring! Positive! And post and write things about the good in life!!! The most important things in my life right now...are mostly all good...I just have to be honest about me. (i think this post would be part of the letting go)

I didn't want to blog, for all the same reasons as all the other beauties out there who feels insecure...and then all of a sudden...I did not have the need to blog anymore! (most amazing feeling!!!)

I also thought to myself - get out there...make your life happen...and stop reading about how other's live....

I also do not want to stop blogging because I've created the most amazing connections with beautiful friends and souls...and I want each of you to stay part of my life...you inspire me...reminds me who I am...who I want to be...

This past week I've been going onto facebook wanting to write in my status 'thinking about life' / contemplating on how to live my life / making changes in my life / thinking thinking thinking...

part of all this is that it is difficult for me to express what i'm feeling in words...

I know I'm so much more in real life!

All the things I think of people I admire...i know i am that in real life.

So for that reason, the blogging became sort of....not important...i tried to re-connect with all the people around me in my everyday life...but oh boy! It's difficult.

I'm a kind person. (this is not one of those posts/conversations where i write about who i am to convince myself that i am that...i think i just need to get this out there to the universe).

I'm a kind person.

I'm very patient.

I love people.

I love working with people.

I LOVE LOVe LOVE taking care of people...making them smile...doing something small or big to make them feel special...anybody...not just people around me...strangers / family / anybody!

I'm honest. Straightforward. Open.

I'm energised. I'm emotional. I'm warm and open for your story...I love hearing your story.

I talk alot. I talk even more when i get excited (and jump up and down, clapping hands when i'm really really happy) :-)

I love connecting with people. I'm really interested in how your day was...if you enjoy your work...wondering how your heart is? (how is your heart? )

I love working. I love having time to play. I love going to work. (just thinking, I love telling stories in detail).

I love being a mama! and a wife! It's the most amazing thing in the world...being a wife...and a mama...they go hand in hand...it's divine...(this will be my first post in my new space...mmmm).

but this post is about nails and hurt.

about people who says they love you and knows exactly where to place the nail...and booof...hit it hard...even harder if they can...and you smile...and act as if life is good. you are secure. and great. and grateful.

i'm so tired.

of smiling. and acting confidant. and as if what they say and do don't have an effect on me.

i'm tired

of breathing out...smiling...thinking to myself...'you are better than this..let it go'

i'm tired

of not reacting on things that really hurt my heart...

of trying to act as if i belong...as if i have a little space there.

i'm tired

of walking into 'my dream' and having to find my feet again, having to tell people that i have the right to be there...

i'm tired of having to proof myself to people that don't even add to my life (so why do i do that...they work for me....mmmm...thinking about this one)

i'm tired of not being able to trust my own partner

i'm tired of acting that everything is ok.

i'm tired of feeling insecure in my own environment around a dream that i built.

i'm sad (and tired) of letting comments go that hurt me

i'm done with people who say they love and respect you, saying hurtful things...and just letting it go.

i'm done with people stepping on me.

i feel like saying i'm done being kind and honest and all that things...but that would not be true at all...cause i love who i am. i love being who i am.

i realised i need to make changes if all this things happening around me is getting me to think negative and hurtful things towards those people...cause that is not who i am.

My siblings and i are VERY different. Or more..I'm totally different than they are. I'm sensitive to others' feelings, emotional, interested in people, I'll rather listen to your story...than tell my own...If you are sad, I'm sad with you, I cry when i'm really really happy or if i have not seen you in a long time...i'm emotional...

or mental as my siblings would call me. They think they are ALWAYS right and when someone else gives their opinion, and they disagree, they will smile and still think that they are right. For their obvious lack of awareness (yes, that's the word), i've always just stepped back, kept quiet, said 'i love you' when they said something rude/belittling to me, cause i know better. (i'm the eldest!!!!) They convinced me growing up that i was adopted cause i was so different than them.

Oh dear! this is just history...it.is.over. i'm 34..supposedly. life goes on. and tonite one of them was really rude again (of course they just made a joke!).

the only difference was that this time, I did not stand back. I did not say I love you. i did not think they don't know better. this time, tonite, i told them exactly how it hurt. no, i did not even do that. I told them exactly what i thought about them.

I would think 24 years of insults and jokes and 'teasing' and teaming up against me is starting to peek out...

(and now i don't know what else to say...teehee :-)

ashamed. no.

sad. no.

disappointed. no.

angry. yes. very.

upset. yes, i think.

on a mission. yes (to the world in a big, loud voice!) to all of you in a scary, tiny, whisper....

breathing out....speechless....feeling a bit naked in front of all of you...

On Sunday i told my mother-in-law i will not be quiet any more, i will not stand for her insults and disapproving of me as a daughter-in-law just because she is insecure. (she asked my husband in front of me if he thinks that Kellen (our son) just took a liking in me because i am a woman and he is looking for a mother figure. I looked at him, and then at her, thinking i must have heard wrongly and then said: 'no, he took a liking in me because i'm cute and adorable and the best mom in the world and he can feel the love i have for him'. (and then just let it go...cause she don't know better....)

Yesterday my partner told someone 'she shines in her absence'...(i have not been going to the school out of respect for her, not to interfere with her running the school...not to step on anybody's toes, because we have different management styles...but mostly out of respect for her)

Today, I asked my sibling to take my mom to the doctor if it's not too much trouble, but she is a pharmacist and remember! she knows everything! She sent me a text saying 'maybe mrs Care must get on the plane and take mom to the doctor'. (my mom's just visiting from Canada for 3 months...) She added that she realise my reaction is 'deeper issues' that i'm working through and when i'm done working through my issues, she will still be here to love me. Also, that she is really happy that she is just having boys, for they are not as emotional as i am. (she is not emotional at all...and has absolutely no awareness of herself )

'Mrs Care' did it for me. She loves me! She adores who I am. She loves how much I care for others. She loves how much I love my dreams. She gets really excited when I stand up for myself. She is really proud of me. She knows it's hard...but she says i must push through and be me. She also encourages me to be open and honest, to hurt when I hurt. She tells me not to judge myself. She reminds me daily to be kind to myself. To open my heart. To stand for what I believe in. Mrs Care loves me. I love Mrs. Care.

I think...I met her here in the blogging world....

Mrs Care,

if you are listening, please tell me how to handle all of this!

How do I stand up for myself in a beautiful, truthful manner without hurting others?

How do I go for what I know I want without being mean and stepping on other's toes?

How can I be honest and still be happy with what i see in the mirror?

Mrs Care, I need your wisdom...xx

soft*

I feel enveloped

in the softness

that is life

fragile sometimes,

protected.