listening*

"Here comes your second change...take a deep breath, here comes your second change..."

Since reading this post about cleaning, I've been thinking and feeling differently about it. I used to think that it is great if people want to do it, I'll do it when it is needed, but there is a whole lot of living out there! (which does not include cleaning!) :-) Then whenever I clean or iron I think.. so this is what normal people do in their everyday life? I need to normalize. 

M3 left Friday evening for 3 weeks to work in our beautiful South Africa.  On Thursday evening at class it started feeling as if my internal balance is getting heavier and out of balance...I embraced it... and let it be... 

Yesterday was one of those days...I had to literally do something to get my balance back. I decided to spring clean our house... from top to bottom. As I moved through every room I honored where we have been, the memories, the love, the life we are living! I came to the dining room and instantly felt this is my favorite room in the house.  

(I was going to post photos of our living room, but for some reason, let's say the universe trying to tell me something), I could not post them.  I've also been looking for photos of how our previous dining room looked  and all the photos I came across were of empty rooms, taken on the day when we moved out.  They spoke loud and clear to me: it's time to let go! 

Recently I read a story about a man carrying all these bags of his life with him.  He stopped to rest under a tree and when he moved on, he left all his bags right there. He said: 

"For one thing, I found that I was always right where I wanted to be once I stopped making myself miserable for not being where I thought I should be. The truth is you don't need to be who you think you have to be. Therefore, you don't have to carry those things through life you think you need to make you that person.''

On Thursday evening we had to come up with a short term goal and write down the steps to get there.  It can be as simple as cleaning the house to as wild as becoming a parachute jumper. (won't that be fun! Makes me giggly inside...imagine! :-) I've been having the idea for years to start sitting in stillness and just to listen...  to meditate and to really hear what my heart and body has to say...  I have not done this in the past out of fear... I would start... and after a few minutes get up, telling myself there is more exciting things to do! (Little did I know). 

While looking for the photos, I found these in a different folder and hearing myself telling the universe I did hear her... but need to let go through saying good bye... This photo is of our living room... here we sat many evenings chatting and laughing and crying! These couches makes me giggle... my brother and his girlfriend, who is now his wife, came many a night to visit us. When they would sit down on these couches they would start talking about how they don't communicate, talking through their own stuff... and M3 and I would just listen... we called it 'the white couch' syndrome... (it happened with other people as well). M3 and I loved it... it meant that they felt safe and comfortable... they trusted our space and our love, they knew we would just listen... on their wedding day my brother thanked us, and said: 'and that white couch, we would be forever thankful!" 

This photo was taken from the living room, with a 'view' of the dining room, the window in the back on the left is the kitchen. On the right is the entrance hall, another living room following on that and then our bedrooms.  I loved sitting here and just looking at our home... appreciating every little thing. The glass candle flowers under the mirror used to remind me of myself... my softness and appreciation for life in the little things...  I always burned them when friends came to visit in the evenings, to welcome them as they walked into our home...

This was a gift from my very first friend I made here in Chilbolton. I thought she was 40 years old... 66! I could not believe it. She is young of heart! Kind! Generous! Alive! Objective! In love with her husband of 45 years. She paints, she makes little gifts for people, she visits with the elderly, she reads and travels and know who she is. She shows daily gratitude for every little thing, she is funny! A grandma, she listens, she mothers and she says the right thing at the right time (even if you think you don't want to hear it). 

She made this beautiful gift especially for me. 

With the universe allowing me to upload this photo, I realised that I have what I need right here, right now. I have friends, even if it is only Sheila - she is an amazing woman to have as your friend.  Whenever I'm with Sheila, I feel alive! and vibrant! and wanting to do so many things! I forget about everything in the past and we literally just live for this moment! 

It's a joy to be with her! I feel blessed to have her as a friend. 

We have a black wood table against the wall in our dining room with some of our photos on. One of those are this photo of us on our wedding day. This was one of the two photos that the universe allowed me to upload :-)

I feel my love for this man... I know how he supports me, comforts me, make me laugh, protect me, 

how he feels ME and every bit of my soul...I feel him and I know that he is the one constant in my life... 

I'm greatful to have the next 3 weeks just for myself. To practice listening and listening to myself. It's funny how everything comes to you when you are open for it. This morning I read the following: 

"Just listen for a moment.  But when you do, I want you to try listening in a new way. I want you to listen with all of you to all of you.  Listen as though every part of your mind and body is trying to hear something. Just be as open and attentive as you know how.  Expect the unexpected." (from The Secret of letting go - Guy Finley)