I just finished cleaning the kitchen...started with something so small that I just could not handle...I just had to clean it NOW (and I'm not really that obsessed with cleaning). At the end, while washing the floor on my four knees (prefer it that way...let the blood rush to my head to make the thinking process more 'awake')...while washing the floor...asking myself the questions how do i feel? why do i feel that way? what triggered that feeling? how does that make me feel? what is the real reason for this feeling? who? where? what? the dialogues going on in ones head is just astonishing! I wonder sometimes where I'm headed? What is the Universe planning for me and my life...and our life together. I was thinking:
I am grateful for:
1. my very caring and understandable and loving husband!
2. my family and his are everybody healthy
3. today there has been family in our house visiting for a month (and another month to go)..which is great! We both get time to spend with them..knowing that they are the most important people in our life. As well as with our parents getting older, they are here for such a short time...
I also wished that I was:
1. as compassionate and honest with words as this beauty
2. as positive and alive as her
3. as loving and 'there' as her
4. as gentle, understanding, honest and beautiful as her
5. as bold and alive as her
6. as 'flowing' and sweet with words as her
7. as sweet and adorable as her
8. as thankful and happy as her
9. as brave as her
10. but I'm not, I am me.
I've been hiding from all of you in a way with my words...with not saying them out loud. I want to be all of these beauties...i want to be as honest, gentle, compassionate as they are. Sometimes I'm scared that my words will not say it as beautiful as they do...scared that my words will sound silly, ungrateful! (that is a big one)...sometimes it is just plain scary...
Getting back to the kitchen cleaning in my head thing...it feels to me as if I'm just here. Life is happening and I'm not really part of it. I use to think...but then, go out and be part of it. I know only I can make myself part of it...there is two things I'm feeling (and a million little other ones)...I'm just so tired of 'keeping it all together'. Tired of being strong, of keeping my head up and be brave. I'm tired of hiding my true feelings...but then again...I feel as if I cannot really live these feelings because of all the people it will upset...so for the sake of peace! their feelings! life! I put on a brave face, tuck my feelings deeper in my heart, and smile. And act as if I'm participating in life. As if I love going to work! As if I love living here! As if I love having family here...which I usually love doing! I love living, but for me it feels like the photo...everything is going so fast around me...and I'm standing still right in the middle of it.
For me...I just cannot put it into words....when my parents were here now, I was sitting one evening and this thought came into my head...."if everyone that is important to me is right here with me, why don't I feel overwhelmed with joy and happiness!" That really hit home, as having my family around me was the thing that makes me really happy...to the extend that my husband will tell me to calm down....(I jump and sing and dance when I'm really excited!)
I just cannot put all this into words...why am I not happy...why have I not been happy for the last 4 years? Such an easy answer...and it always goes back to this one thing...with so profound sadness...we've been struggling for 8 years to have a baby...and that is it. I wish I could put all my feelings into such beautiful and honest words as Bohogirl...but I am not her...I am me..and this feeling makes me lost for words! xx
9 comments:
oh beautiful, i'm so, so very glad you wrote this!!!
i feel so blessed to have read these brave words of yours this evening. i feel so grateful for your trust in sharing them so eloquently here.
you are you.
and from what i've seen you are...
compassionate.
honest.
positive.
alive.
loving.
gentle.
understanding.
beautiful.
sweet.
adorable.
brave.
i can't even imagine what you have been going though all these years.
i am here...if there is anything at all you need from here on out.
sending you love and hugs.
xoxoxo
oh honey ... you have said it all so very eloquently and i wish that i could wrap my arms around you, a cry with you ...
"as thankful and happy as ..." me ~ it startled me and then with tears in my eyes i realized that it is true. i decided to stay quiet on my blog this december partly because i thought i would be sad .. this time of the year is hard for me and last december was particularly difficult. i found myself crying more than laughing as my arms missed holding the babies that i had held that spring, missing the warmth and laughter that they would have brought to us ... having my babies die was a devastation that i didn't know that i would fully recover from ... i thought that by this december i would have a baby again, or at least be pregnant and i thought that because i didn't i would find this holiday hard, sad.
but i AM happy and though i light candles and honor the loss of my sister, my grandparents, my twin boys ... i am thankful for everything beautiful in my life, for the fact that i hold their love in my heart, for the fact that joy has blessed me with her presence ...
thank you for honoring us with your beautiful words, for allowing yourself to feel what you feel and for expressing that here so that I could cry a little and smile a little and send you love ... so much love, xoxoxo
It is so okay to not feel happy, content, fulfilled... these feelings are like pebbles in our shoes as we continue on our life journey.
It is okay to feel alone when surrounded by a roomful of people... there are times when only being with our 'self' will suffice.
It is okay to feel frustration and question everything... even Jesus asked 'why?'
It is okay to feel tired, and sad, and disillusioned and to want more... this is all part of our 'human~ness'.
It is okay to feel an emptiness because of a longing to have a child... there is a space within that only a child can fill.
None of us can be happy and brave and thankful and sweet and positive all of the time... it is not humanly possible.
The fact that you have these feelings and ask these questions of yourself, proves one very important thing... you are still seeking. And being a 'seeker of light' is a very deep and arduous undertaking... but oh the rewards you will reap along the way!!
You may not feel you possess the qualities of the 'sisters' you mentioned in your post... but you DO. And so many other wonderful and wonderous things as well.
You have a beautiful and embracing face that says "Hi! I am warm,and inviting, and trusting, and nurturing... I am a wonderful friend"
You share words that say you are optimistic and generous and childlike and giving, and a beautiful person to be fortunate enough to know.
I know you hardly at all, but feel so welcomed by your spirit, and so intoxicated by your laughter and light and the fact that you teach children that it is a beautiul thing to hug a tree...
You make me laugh, and you make me cry, and I think you are so beautiful, and perfect exactly as you are.
We all have empty spaces within ourselves, and longings that we feel selfish to have... we are frail, and flesh and blood imperfect little beings.
But please know you are exactly as you were created to be, and even though that doesn't 'right' somedays...
You are walking hand in hand with so many other 'seekers'... and I feel honored to journey with someone as beautiful and inspiring as you.
(((love)))to you today, and every day.
I will think of you forever and ever when I go dancing with the trees.
Mi Amor,
You are indeed YOU, and YOU are beautiful, loving, caring, passionate, adorable, and one of the most shining stars lighting what can sometimes be a very dark world. That I have the honor to know you is beyond words, but I am literally thankful every minute that you have come into my life. That YOU are in this world.
As for your sadness, we must all endure this, do not feel guilty that sadness has found you. Your feelings are so important and real, and they should never be pushed aside. You are too beautiful to be second fiddle. Embrace your heart, your life, and all the emotions that land on your shoulder. This will allow you to smile once again.
As for your journey to conceive this wounds me deeply. I can see you with a baby in your arms, holding a child hands, and I pray that this wish finds you and snuggles in your arms soon.
You have the right to be sad... how else will you move past it?
I love you truly, every bit of your beautiful self that you so generously shared with me, with us. I hold your hand, and your heart always.
Love you...
Love,
Me
My liewe skoonsussie,
ek weet dit is waarskynlik nie etiket om in Afrikaans op jou blog te skryf nie, maar ek gaan net sukkel om my gevoelens in engels te probeer beskryf.
Ek wens ek was nou by jou om jou 'n lekker drukkie te gee en te sê dit is ok om so te voel.
Ek voel so skuldig dat jy op so 'n hartseer tyd nogsteeds die vakansie vir ons so lekker gemaak het en dat jy alleen daardeur gaan.
Ek wil net hê jy moet weet
jy mag hartseer wees,
jy mag kwaad wees,
jy mag dinge bevraagteken,
jy hoef nie alles alleen te hanteer nie. (al is dit nie wat 'n Immelman sou doen nie!);)
Dalk is julle na 'n klein, stil dorpie in die Engelse platteland gestuur sodat hierdie gevoelens wat jy so diep gebêre het in die stilte kon opkom, sodat julle daaraan kan werk.
Ek het in die tydjie by julle besef dat iemand nooit gelukkig kan wees solank jy hierdie weggebêre gevoelens het nie.
Om dit te ignoreer beteken nie dat dit nie bestaan nie.
Een van myne is dat ek my pa moet vergewe, ek is net nog nie reg daarvoor nie...
Ek is so lief vir jou, dankie vir wat jy alles wat jy vir my oor myself leer.
all you ever need do is speak your words, and i can already tell they are as honest and passionate as any our blogging tribe would spill.... we all have our stories and our pains, and we share them and feel less alone... the women circle around the fire! it's good to find you, my dear xo
I just found you, ... today.
I must have been drawn to your blog today, because I needed to know that someone out there felt like me...
Thank you
hi darling you....
i am so glad you wrote this. i am so glad you felt safe to let it out despite your fears and hesitations. i agree with the others-all these qualities you are seeking you already possess. otherwise, you would not be able to see them in others.
magical people recognize other magical people. that is how we find each other.
i cannot imagine the frustration you are going through. wish i was there to give you a hug. sometimes there are no words. and that is ok too.
i will say a prayer of peace for you tonight, whisper it to the wise trees i am surrounded by here in the mountains...
loving you
mccabe x
Hi Periwinkle, I'm just making my way through some of your recent blog posts to get to know you better, to learn more about this new friend called You that I am making. I'm so glad you said hello today, or else I don't know how long it would have taken me to find you. I'm so glad I did. I am finding a kindred spirit in you. I love your enthusiasm and kindness. I love how present you seem to be. I love your honesty (even though this post indicates you struggle with bringing your full honesty to the table here). It is there, nonetheless: real parts of you.
I needed to read this post tonight. I am in a sad jag of life. Overwhelmed by it. Feeling down and frustrated by it. And feeling like I need to catch up and get myself on top of it so I can share that "on top of it" self with the world, and especially all my bloggy friends, because this is a place where I bring it -- my real self -- and share with people who really care and want to know the real me, and get the real me.
But since I'm not on top of it, I feel like I have to wait to post anything until I am. And in the meantime, I keep reading beautiful and more gorgeous things by all the lovely ladies in my life . . . and end up feeling like I am alone and left behind. I am afraid I will get left behind if I don't get on top of things sooner and get myself to a place where I can post about it. Maybe I just need to post about THAT -- just be real, you know? -- and your post here helped me see how much release can come through that truth.
You are not alone in feeling surrounded by people so beautiful it makes the heart hurt with longing for connection and longing to also be beautiful.
Hear this, though: you ARE beautiful. Stunning. Radiant. I'm glad to have met you.
Love to you this night.
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