gratitude*

The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing

called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it,

you will discover that for you the world is transformed.

- J. Krishnamurti

I've been wanting to write about what is going on in my heart for some time now. I've been reading and catching up with all of you...glowing in the beauty of dreams coming true, noticing how every one is living their lives each day. I've been thinking a lot about this, feeling most of the time that my writing is not worth....no! comparing myself with others who put in words their feelings in such a gentle, gorgeous, beautiful, inspiring way. Because of this silliness, I've been staying away from here, trying to live in the moment. Unfortunately for me, my mind is not 'connected' like that and eventhough i'm focussing on all the good things happening in my life, within me there is this sense of not knowing...in this stage, anything about myself! :-) heehee...:-)

I've been keeping myself busy with things I've moved past years ago...just for the connection. I've been practising being assertive, which is good, but on things I don't really care about. I've been pondering and wondering what am I going to do to sustain my own growth and development. M3 and I've been discussing and talking endlessly about going back to the UK or just staying here where we are. We've been going backwards and forwards, not moving at all. And I've been eating. :-) and watching the wind move through the trees, trying to stay balanced and here.

Coming back to this place...I always wonder when people write how they are 'thinking' of exiting blogland, why don't they just do it. Why write about it? Why don't we just press delete and get on with our lives? I've been wondering a lot lately about friendships and connection. Of the beauty of these words. The inspiration they give without knowing. I've been thinking how her journey woke up all the feelings I thought I dealt with a little bit over a year ago. I've been thinking of how silly and crazy and gorgeous she is, and how I would love to be just like her when I grow up! I've been thinking about Mccabe who's writing gave me the permission to just be who I am without judgement. I've been dreaming of writing like her and her . One day I want to be a photographer like her. And I want to be as soft and gentle to myself as this friend. I want to live with abundance as her poetry awakens my heart where it wants to burst with joy! I dream to be as strong and confidant as Swirly. She makes me want to be brave. Oh! And I want to be as soft and elegant and open like her. And through all this wanting to be, I forget who I am. (feel as if I have written about this in the past)! I can go on and on writing about each one of you...

So I would think instead of wanting to be, let me write who I am:

I'm a mommy! (the most amazing and exilarating and dreamy feeling you can feel).

but i'm still me - Linni. And this is where the empty space comes in...because eventhough a dream is coming true and this is all so amazing and happy! and scary! and wow! I still need to fill me up and I'm just lost! I've been trying so hard to live in the moment and be greatful for everything...knowing that in life happiness and sadness goes together. The one is not the one without the other. sigh* If I knew what I felt, I could have written pages...but I don't.

What I do know...

Is that I love watching the wind moving through the big, old trees outside my parents house...

I love feeling the sun on my arms and face!

I love that little cutie pie in the morning nestling on top of me with his face on mine...saying mama with a smile...or a cry!

I love the way he cries after his daddy in the morning (love that!)

I love how M3 phones to hear how our son is doing...

I adore how the two of them play in the bath!

I love jumping in the car, driving 4 minutes and being able to visit my friends.

I don't necessarily like living with 5 cats. (we are staying with my brother and his wife in their house...5 cats!)

but I love hearing all the footsteps on the old wooden floors...my brother hoo-hooing like an owl in the morning to say hello to Kellen...

I love to see how E has grown into a woman - trying to love herself without judgement.

I love watching the sisterhood between E and U, growing as they get to spend so much time together.

I love drinking tea admiring my mom's garden outside.

I love love love to go out into the garden to pick Inca Lilies for the house...

I miss talking for hours with M3 at night. (a bit tired..so we tend to sleep! teehee!)

I miss talking to you and you and you...

being in South Africa makes me feel thousands of kilometres further away from you...

'Happiness (gratitude) is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony. (Thomas Merton)

I've been trying to find the balance in my new life...to dance to the rhythm of my heart. I think I miss the connection I had with all of you. Everyone of you and you and you...yes you! makes a difference in my life...you touch my heart in ways it has not been touched...you awake and stir things in my that I love being stirred...and I miss you! xx