I'm not really willing to write this post.
but I'm coming out.
I have to. For myself.
mostly for myself.
mostly for myself.
being honest about the truth.
Also, you have to know that I like detail...and feelings and emotions and reactions...and clarifications...and honesty...that is me. All upfront...
I did'nt want to blog before I have not finished my new banner/layout...(but oh! to be a photoshop dummy is difficult! )
I didn't want to blog before I have not settled down, because I want to start a whole new space with my new experience as a mommy...being uplifting! inspiring! Positive! And post and write things about the good in life!!! The most important things in my life right now...are mostly all good...I just have to be honest about me. (i think this post would be part of the letting go)
I didn't want to blog, for all the same reasons as all the other beauties out there who feels insecure...and then all of a sudden...I did not have the need to blog anymore! (most amazing feeling!!!)
I also thought to myself - get out there...make your life happen...and stop reading about how other's live....
I also do not want to stop blogging because I've created the most amazing connections with beautiful friends and souls...and I want each of you to stay part of my life...you inspire me...reminds me who I am...who I want to be...
This past week I've been going onto facebook wanting to write in my status 'thinking about life' / contemplating on how to live my life / making changes in my life / thinking thinking thinking...
part of all this is that it is difficult for me to express what i'm feeling in words...
I know I'm so much more in real life!
All the things I think of people I admire...i know i am that in real life.
So for that reason, the blogging became sort of....not important...i tried to re-connect with all the people around me in my everyday life...but oh boy! It's difficult.
I'm a kind person. (this is not one of those posts/conversations where i write about who i am to convince myself that i am that...i think i just need to get this out there to the universe).
I'm a kind person.
I'm very patient.
I love people.
I love working with people.
I LOVE LOVe LOVE taking care of people...making them smile...doing something small or big to make them feel special...anybody...not just people around me...strangers / family / anybody!
I'm honest. Straightforward. Open.
I'm energised. I'm emotional. I'm warm and open for your story...I love hearing your story.
I talk alot. I talk even more when i get excited (and jump up and down, clapping hands when i'm really really happy) :-)
I love connecting with people. I'm really interested in how your day was...if you enjoy your work...wondering how your heart is? (how is your heart? )
I love working. I love having time to play. I love going to work. (just thinking, I love telling stories in detail).
I love being a mama! and a wife! It's the most amazing thing in the world...being a wife...and a mama...they go hand in hand...it's divine...(this will be my first post in my new space...mmmm).
but this post is about nails and hurt.
about people who says they love you and knows exactly where to place the nail...and booof...hit it hard...even harder if they can...and you smile...and act as if life is good. you are secure. and great. and grateful.
i'm so tired.
of smiling. and acting confidant. and as if what they say and do don't have an effect on me.
i'm tired
of breathing out...smiling...thinking to myself...'you are better than this..let it go'
i'm tired
of not reacting on things that really hurt my heart...
of trying to act as if i belong...as if i have a little space there.
i'm tired
of walking into 'my dream' and having to find my feet again, having to tell people that i have the right to be there...
i'm tired of having to proof myself to people that don't even add to my life (so why do i do that...they work for me....mmmm...thinking about this one)
i'm tired of not being able to trust my own partner
i'm tired of acting that everything is ok.
i'm tired of feeling insecure in my own environment around a dream that i built.
i'm sad (and tired) of letting comments go that hurt me
i'm done with people who say they love and respect you, saying hurtful things...and just letting it go.
i'm done with people stepping on me.
i feel like saying i'm done being kind and honest and all that things...but that would not be true at all...cause i love who i am. i love being who i am.
i realised i need to make changes if all this things happening around me is getting me to think negative and hurtful things towards those people...cause that is not who i am.
My siblings and i are VERY different. Or more..I'm totally different than they are. I'm sensitive to others' feelings, emotional, interested in people, I'll rather listen to your story...than tell my own...If you are sad, I'm sad with you, I cry when i'm really really happy or if i have not seen you in a long time...i'm emotional...
or mental as my siblings would call me. They think they are ALWAYS right and when someone else gives their opinion, and they disagree, they will smile and still think that they are right. For their obvious lack of awareness (yes, that's the word), i've always just stepped back, kept quiet, said 'i love you' when they said something rude/belittling to me, cause i know better. (i'm the eldest!!!!) They convinced me growing up that i was adopted cause i was so different than them.
Oh dear! this is just history...it.is.over. i'm 34..supposedly. life goes on. and tonite one of them was really rude again (of course they just made a joke!).
the only difference was that this time, I did not stand back. I did not say I love you. i did not think they don't know better. this time, tonite, i told them exactly how it hurt. no, i did not even do that. I told them exactly what i thought about them.
I would think 24 years of insults and jokes and 'teasing' and teaming up against me is starting to peek out...
(and now i don't know what else to say...teehee :-)
ashamed. no.
sad. no.
disappointed. no.
angry. yes. very.
upset. yes, i think.
on a mission. yes (to the world in a big, loud voice!) to all of you in a scary, tiny, whisper....
breathing out....speechless....feeling a bit naked in front of all of you...
On Sunday i told my mother-in-law i will not be quiet any more, i will not stand for her insults and disapproving of me as a daughter-in-law just because she is insecure. (she asked my husband in front of me if he thinks that Kellen (our son) just took a liking in me because i am a woman and he is looking for a mother figure. I looked at him, and then at her, thinking i must have heard wrongly and then said: 'no, he took a liking in me because i'm cute and adorable and the best mom in the world and he can feel the love i have for him'. (and then just let it go...cause she don't know better....)
Yesterday my partner told someone 'she shines in her absence'...(i have not been going to the school out of respect for her, not to interfere with her running the school...not to step on anybody's toes, because we have different management styles...but mostly out of respect for her)
Today, I asked my sibling to take my mom to the doctor if it's not too much trouble, but she is a pharmacist and remember! she knows everything! She sent me a text saying 'maybe mrs Care must get on the plane and take mom to the doctor'. (my mom's just visiting from Canada for 3 months...) She added that she realise my reaction is 'deeper issues' that i'm working through and when i'm done working through my issues, she will still be here to love me. Also, that she is really happy that she is just having boys, for they are not as emotional as i am. (she is not emotional at all...and has absolutely no awareness of herself )
'Mrs Care' did it for me. She loves me! She adores who I am. She loves how much I care for others. She loves how much I love my dreams. She gets really excited when I stand up for myself. She is really proud of me. She knows it's hard...but she says i must push through and be me. She also encourages me to be open and honest, to hurt when I hurt. She tells me not to judge myself. She reminds me daily to be kind to myself. To open my heart. To stand for what I believe in. Mrs Care loves me. I love Mrs. Care.
I think...I met her here in the blogging world....
Mrs Care,
if you are listening, please tell me how to handle all of this!
How do I stand up for myself in a beautiful, truthful manner without hurting others?
How do I go for what I know I want without being mean and stepping on other's toes?
How can I be honest and still be happy with what i see in the mirror?
Mrs Care, I need your wisdom...xx
13 comments:
You embody Mrs. Care my friend,
And your love for the world is like sweet water... Real, refreshing, true...
Standing up for ourselves.... Respecting ourselves and our place in the world....
Is the part of love which we neglect...
In all our odes to compassion, we forget how to be compassionate to ourselves...
It seems that here... in these moments... you have done exactly what you need to do...
To stand up and say, "I refuse to let anyone make me feel less than I am."
You are as sacred as the little stars in the sky, as deep as the endless night, as free and wildly beautiful as the painted ocean..
There is nothing for which you ever need apologise.
Your love shines in presence and absence... You are more than can be contained by any words on any page... by any thought or perception in any mind.
Thank you for all the light you bring into the world,
Rest in the wide arms of your own grace, brave heart,
There is nothing more beautiful I could wish for you than this,
Always love,
Maithri
Awww...honey...I hear your frustration. And being the 'mental' one in my family, I can say that it is a tough thing. Honestly, I'm not sure how you handle this because I'm kind of in the same boat...trying to learn not to just 'grin and bare it'.
I think if people feel they have the right to be rude to you...then you have every right to give voice to how that makes you feel...
I have always sensed your love and kindness...and I think that would shine through even you no matter what was coming out of your mouth...
So ya, basically I was no help to you here...but we out here in the blogsphere love you...:-)
xo
i remember when i met you ... we sat amidst the books, tea in front of us. i am used to listening to others and talking about them but you sat there and took my hands and asked about me, really asked about me and you got down to the heart of me. i don't know if i ever told you what that meant to me, how safe and loved you made me feel and how your words sit with me still as i move forward in this world, with my dreams.
mrs. care knows the answers ... keep caring always because it is who you are and in the end it brings you beauty from those who see it. and honestly, being who you are can sometimes be painful but it is more painful to try and become someone you are not.
i love you
always
xox
sending you a massive hug and holding your hand. nodding my head. i hear you.
will be writing you an email very soon xxx
Oh Linnie my darling....
Life is so difficult and I wish I had all the answers... Just be yourself..
Mrs Care is the the most wonderful person I have ever met. Here are a few things you should know about her:
1. She knows how to look into the souls of other people and make them feel good about themselves.
2.She understands what tough times are like and how to give advice that is sometimes not what we want to hear, but is the truth.
3. She gives so much of herself and expects nothing in return
4. She is strong, so strong that she can take on the whole world (even if she doubts herself at times)
5. She is so loving, so loving that she has formed a bond with a beautiful boy who calls her mommy and he will grow up knowing that he could not be loved any more than he is...
6 She is so beautiful, quiet un-opposing and completely beautiful.
7. She is worth ten thousand other people put together.
Linnie, keep Mrs Care in the forefront of your life, because that is who you are and that is why you are so loved by everyone. You are an amazing person - believe it becausue it is true. I love you so much for the person that you are.....Mrs Care!
You there - the woman who turned my life upside down, the woman who made me truly truly see how a pair of yellow shoes was the answer to a scaredness in my heart. You are wonderful & kind & yes, caring, and so so ready to listen & offer a hand, a shoulder to cry on, and life just gets tiring sometimes. Sometimes you just reach that point - all you see in front of you is a big old cliff and you'll be damned if you're gonna jump off it just because that's where you are right now. So you turn around and you say no. No. NO. You will do this more as you grow older. It's a wonderful feeling. Next year you will let something else go, the year after that, something more, and then, who knows, one day you may be writing something right here in this very place, on your very own blog, something about something you just cannot seem to let go, and a stranger will email you & tell you to buy a pair of yellow shoes. And all will finally be well, or almost, life being a process and all, not just a stopping point. So for today, here's to NO. A perfectly wonderful little word, for a perfectly wonderful woman.
:) Debi
MAY GOD BE YOUR COMFORT AND ENCOURAGEMENT. TRUST YOUR HOLY SPIRIT AND ENCOURAGE OTHERS@!!!!
SCOTT
sweet linni.. you are such an amazing woman. You have an incredible ability to reach out and make someone, anyone (even thousands of miles away) feel like you are "right there" for THEM.
I am also the "sensitive" one in my family, and yes, I do my share of letting it go, because I am lucky enough to have siblings who, even though they are different, really like who I am.
BUT, for many years this wasn't so. My therapist said something to me one day that made SO much sense to me. She said "Keeping your feelings inside isn't only effecting your love for yourself, but it is also effecting your love for your family. When you speak your mind and tell them, gently, how their words make you feel, then you are freeing yourself to love them and them to love you. Silence can breed animosity as much as hurtful words."
Try telling yourself that. That a pure reflection of love for THEM, is telling them what YOU need in order to give that love to them freely. Does that make sense?
I love you, Linni. You are a light in my universe. Just seeing your name pop up in my comments makes me smile sooo big!!
xoxo
oh hun, i'm here and understand. you don't have to be strong all of the time. that's why we're here.
xoxo
Oh dear Linni...your post and the comments above have touched a soft spot in my heart.
Like a few others here, I am the emotional one in my family too..and for years I was living with that label *the emotional one, the moody one, and my favourite, the over-sensitive one*......then I realised one day, as I observed my extended family and how they all relate to one another, that I feel like I am the only brave one. I am the only one that is willing to really FEEL things. It seems as though a great part of the worldly population is terrified to be in a quiet space all by themselves in fear of what emotions might spill out! I have watched my family pretend that everything is just perfect in their little worlds.
And they look at ME as the one who isn't strong?
I beg to differ.
You are strong too....you are brave and beautiful and you have the biggest most soft and squishy heart. You aren't afraid to feel what you feel and that is something wonderful indeed.
So much love to you
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoooooooooxxxxxxxxx
Dear Linni,
My beautiful sister with the heart of gold...
I remember when we first met in this place, and I remember when we hugged our first tree and danced in sunlight that is judgement free.
I remember the tenderness and love in your voice the first time we talked, and I remember how amazed I was that someone accepted and loved me as purely as you do.
I remember your heart so longing for a child, and I remember the star that is Kellen.
I'm sorry I have not been here often enough to hold your hand, and to offer bandaids of love when the hurt finally starts hurting even more...
Lynne, you are one of the most beautiful women I have ever met, and the heart of a child that we both share has made you an incredible person indeed.
You are never, ever, ever alone...ever.
And you are loved more than you could ever imagine.
I've missed you so very much... you that possess such beauty and light.
you are one of few truly, truly, beautiful people I have ever encountered in my life.
You are sister, friend, and an incredible wife and mommy.
And we are so very blessed to have you in our lives.
I love you so much dear Lynne... so very much.
xoxoxo
joan
well what an honest post. i truly commend you for getting right to it and saying you are angry and done with walking away without speaking up. yes, honestly is very good for our health. we sensitive ones get mixed up sometimes. (isn't it interesting that the people who come here and read this are all like you?:) we get confused and think that kindness is being nice all the time, being soft and comforting all the time. being kind is much harder than that. it involves honestly and truth telling and compassion for imperfections. it allows others to hurt without stopping them..because it is part of life right? kindness is quiet and allows people to be hard on themselves..becasue sometimes we need to face things we don't like about ourselves without anyone making it better. see what i am saying? you don't have to give up the best of yourself at all! you can be kind and compassionate and honest and direct and not take any shit from your sisters! i have sisters and believe me if you don't stand up to them sometime they just don't stop.
you are purest gold! keep being tough, work on speaking your mind. look how all these folks here can relate to you! and the yellow shoes! don't forget the yellow shoes!
XOXOXO
Some people are just toxic to our lives..... often they need to be purged. To save ourselves and our sanity. To save our own little family.
I have a toxic mother-in-law. After 20 years of trying to fit in... trying to do and say the right things.. trying not to rock the boat .. I finally realized it was useless. She hates me and talks about me to other family members behind my back. A cousin couldn't stand it anymore and blabbed to us ... so I (and finally, my husband) knew for certain what I had suspected and told him all along. He was stunned, but told them they were no longer welcome in our home and I told them I would have nothing further to with them. I won't stand between my husband and his parents...but, now..he only goes to visit twice a year ..so in reality...they shot themselves in the foot.
I can't believe what a weight was lifted from my shoulders.... I felt about 70 pounds lighter...they no longer control any part of my life nor do they ruin weeks of it each year.... wheeeee...!!! Ya know...sometimes you do have to take a stand and take back your own life and your own reality....
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