good bye 2009

The surest way to start fresh and move forward is to be at peace with what came before. You might have had an incredible year, a dull year, or a truly difficult year. Whatever happened, your aim is to celebrate what there is to celebrate about it and grieve what there is to grieve...

My challenge for you is to answer the following questions and declare 2009 complete. Rituals can be even more powerful when others can witness you. You are welcome to do this exercise privately, but I suggest sharing with a friend and/or posting your lists here. You are in good, safe company. (Feel free to post anonymously)

1. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2009?
In 2009 I bought shares from my ex partner, knowing in how much trouble the business was. I faced closing the business, retrenching staff members, bringing the high standard that I had back into the business with courage and strength. I promised myself that the business will not close down. I promised that I will pay back all the money the business owed before I took over, before Christmas. I was brave to take something so negative and in deep trouble to turn it around. My brave choice that I made was not to retrenched any staff members, through not taking a salary for 6 months. I am proud of myself, I am proud that I kept my head up high when I thought I'm going down, I'm proud that I turned the business around, I'm proud that I paid all the debt back and I'm proud that the clients told me that I put the 'magic' back into the business, it's not 'just another business', 'it is a magical business'.

2. What is there to grieve about 2009?
I was extremely scared to buy the shares and to try to turn the business around knowing in how much trouble the business was. It was hard to try and balance work and family and being a mom and wife. I failed dismally and I grieve about that for 2009. It was hard to balance my professional and private life. I forgive myself for not being a present mom to Kellen. I forgive myself for not being a wife to M3 during the last 6 months.

I grieve the death of my beautiful mother. It was hard to watch her die. For 5 days I sat next to her bed, watched her chest go up and down as the machines was breathing for her, wishing I could make eye contact with her one more time to tell her how much I love her. I hold her hand, I rubbed her feet and talked to her all the time. The most difficult part for me was to leave at night knowing she is quickly slipping away, and that there is nothing I can do to make it better. I forgive myself for being so hard on myself. I forgive myself for not wanting her to go. I love you Moederlief.

3. What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete?

"I declare 2009 complete!" I feel relieved. I've waited another 3 weeks just to write this.

"2009 is my year of balance, it is my year of having more fun! and being really present!"

december views* 17

I treasure the connections I make here on my blog. This very first photo was a gift, together with two beautiful necklaces with mostly orange in, (which is my favorite color) from the most amazing friend...she reaches out to everyone...her connections are real and she is there...right in front of you...holding your hands and listening with a smile and a tear. Tonight I offer her wings and tea. Love you xx

We've been really busy down here in the South of Africa..here is a little sneek peak into our lives the past few weeks...it's been busy. Today is officially my first day of holiday. In two days we leave for the east coast to have our very first Christmas, where my whole family is together.It would have been the first one in 6 years....and now my mom decided to go...(tear drops). I guess this is going to be a sad Christmas, but I believe we can still make it the most memorable one by being present and loving each other in every moment!

Made some gifts....i.love.it!!!

We bathed in a bucket in the bath, just because we can..teehee....

We had a Christmas party at school...yum!

something I did for myself...creating a memory tree on our fridge..

.

The first family photo of the 3 of us, taken 2.09.08

i treasure this photo

My little elf in the green & i playing around after decorating the tree

The little elf's first photo of the Christmas tree, taken by the elf himself :-)

He hung all the little animals together, 'because they are friends'

Peace-at-home

When I was 7 years old my mom gave me R2 to spend at the fair. I remember walking around the whole day with the R2 looking for something to buy for my mom. Right at the end of the day, I found a little plant, called 'Peace-at-home' and used all of the money to buy this for my mom. I remember thinking she will then know how much I love her, the same way she love plants.

After she passed over in August this year, I nearly tripped over this 'Peace-at-home' in the shop. It brought me to tears, because it instantly reminded me of my mom and how much I miss her. Little Peace-at-home is sitting in my kitchen, greeting me every morning over a cup of tea. It became like a morning routine...talking to my mom over a cup of tea, before I leave for the day. I like it like that.

tired skaterboy*

December views

three*

two*

Kellen and I in the car...I'm not yet at the daily photography...things are a bit rough. My dad is in the hospital for a back operation and M3 going in tomorrow for a knee restructuring op..plus working full time and having a little monstrel that is ill...busy busy busy...but i'm posting photos non the less as i love december views!!!! I'll try to find something else than kellen and myself...x

delicious darlene's december views*1

just remembered...but i'm here...teehee! xx

For some more participants...read here.

done did

Found this beautiful photo on www.kindovermatter.com

done did list. just found this sweet way of making a list of your day, that through the mids of the chaos, you found the safety! Here is my list:

• got up at 6am, showered, get dressed, did not do my hair as electricity was off...so it took more imagination today! :)
• packed Kellen's lunchbox
• collect all my things for work and left the house tippy toe as to not wake Kellen and M3
• arrived at work at 07h45 and started the smiling game...all part of the job! I just try to do it from the heart
• organised some cleaning within the school
• help feeding the babies
• put babies to sleep
• took toddler to other school for speech therapy
• stopped at my house to put a load of sheets from school in the washing machine
• picked up little toddler from speech therapy and take back to school
• (before i left the school this morning, i think i had 2 cups of tea!)
• 11am - left school to do some admin at home
• 11.30 - pick up my dad to pay a hospital account
• 12h30 - take dad to different hospital to see 2 doctors
• 13h00 - see doctor 1.
• have lunch with my dad downstairs in hospital
• hang around and talked...it is my mom and dad's anniversary today...the first time he had to write 'widower'
• spoke to my sister. They live in a very small seaside town on the east coast and one of her close friends was shot right in front of her pharmacy. Jean was 34 years old, dad to 3 children and an he was an amazing husband...he died on Tuesday on his way to the hospital. My sister is supporting her friend and her children...(my sister totally out of her comfort zone, but doing great! I'm so proud of her)
• spoke to my brother. Asked if he will be able to take my dad to the hospital on Friday. He just said no.
• Dealt with internal guilt/not understanding/letting go of taking sole responsibility for my parents
• 15h00 - see doctor 2
• feel relieved as they can do an mri on friday
• so grateful that my dad is a doctor, who is friends with other doctors, which makes me sleep more peaceful knowing that he is in the best hands
• 15h30 - go to doctor 3. no space available - has to come back tomorrow.
• raced back to where we live.
• dropped my dad off and made him some tea
• raced to school
• breathed out...and smiled.
• worked and cleaned
• listened to my sister again talking her heart out
• 17h45 - went home
• played with Kellen and M3
• had supper - yum!
• bathed kellen
• 19h30 - went to my dad to see if he is ok and in need of anything
• 20h00 - went home
• 20h30 - put kellen to bed
• 21h00 - chatted with M3
• 22h10 - read emails and ready to do some work.
• 22h40 - decided to blog..teehee...
• 22h51...think it is time for bed...sweet dreams! xx

routine established*

As from a week ago Kellen 'wants' to brush his teeth about 5 times a day...without me asking him to do it...magical! and scenic and oh so hilarious!

mwah!

a few things that make me happy*

* the softness of friends

* words that make me breath

* my little sweetie pie of a boy

* when he asks me 'did you miss me mommy?'

* soft raining falling outside for the past 2 days

* the promise of summer

* memories

* to be busy

* silence

* happy people

* yellow daisies

* photography

* wish upon a star

what makes you happy?

have you been happy lately?

it is the small things, don't you think?

today*

i

met

an

angel

sometimes everything goes perfect*

My dad, Sue (sister) and her son Morgan who is 3 years old now, Elizma, my sister-in-law,

William, the groom, my mom, me and M3

(Photo taken in January 2007)

This past week I've missed my mom more than ever. Looking through photos tonight I remembered the day my mom, myself and Elizma went 'wedding shopping'. We had a long list of things that we still need to get for the wedding and when we got in the car it seemed as if it was going to be a long day.

Elizma and I decided to get a wheelchair for my mom, then we can walk a bit faster and cover more shops that way, also we will be more equipt to look after her. My mom have this tendency to 'get lost'. Whenever we went to the shops, one of us had to watch her. She loves browsing and moving and then just like that...she disappears! Teehee!!! It was actually funny....but when you are in a hurry, and you ask her to PLEASE stay with you, she'll start browsing. :-) Then, when someone ask where she is, we would just pull up our shoulders and say 'she's lost' as if it is the most common thing on earth.

It was a fabulous day! Within a few hours, and with the first try/search we found:

1. A skirt and blouse for my mom for the wedding

2. shoes that doesn't hurt her feet

3. Wedding shoes for the bride

4. a dress for me (in which i felt so beautiful and confident)

5. shoes (and i wear a size 9)

We would walk into a shop, ask for what we were looking for, pick up the item, fit it, buy it and move on to the next shop. It was magical! No questions asked...we just accepted the grace of this gorgeous day and soaked in all the loveliness.

The funniest part of the day was at the end, when we were on our way out, Elizma and I were walking beside my mom, who was pushing the wheelchair with all the parcels in the chair!

Sometimes everything goes perfectly! xx

sweet saturday*

i woke up with sunshine streaming in from behind the curtains...a cup of tea next to my bed...i closed my eyes for a little while longer, when i heard our little man come running in with a 'this is for you mama, i love you mama' . He gave me a little pink flower that he picked from the garden. A few minutes later M3 come in with french toast...and a little munchin who tells me I'm done 'doedoes'.

today was a sweet day to soak in love...

it was a day to play in the dirt in the garden...

it was a day to play silly games...

to love...

to giggle...

later during the day the wind blew in the clouds...

which made it a good day to look for pictures in the clouds...

it was a day for listening to the raindrops on the roof...

it was a day to look at the birds bathing in the water puddles...

to do some more loving.

today was a sweet day.

my heart is overflowing,

all because of this cutie pie, his daddy

and the sweet sweet saturday.

hope your day was full of sweetness too xx

don't look away*

Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.

There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking

so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

I've been looking away from myself, trying to be that person everybody wants me to be.

I've been trying to be everyone's friend and a good business woman in the same breath.

I've tried to be objective despite my own opinion, not listening to my gut feeling.

I've been harsh and patient.

I've been open and quiet.

I've listened, guided, became overly excited to show them the road, forgetting that it is not for me to show.

I've stepped back.

I've stepped forward.

I've stopped.

Big things happened in between all of these, but still I did not stop to listen.

On Monday morning someone took a big bite out of me.

('the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you - Zig Ziglar)

And another. I was dumbstruck. I stepped back, (again), listened, made eye contact all the way through, came home and cried. I comforted myself within the self-pity (so shy to admit!).

Then, through the anger I became empowered.

Empowered to not look away, but to look deep within.

Empowered to not get angry, but to ask myself what is the lesson to learn.

Empowered to stand.

To be proud of who I am.

To open my heart

and my arms to the world.

To invite It in,

to call out and remind them

that I'm here for the taking.

Every inch of me.

This morning i decided to shine again.

To keep shining

and live life fully engaged!

* thank you to Christine for her very appropriate and wise words.

* thank you Maithri for always inspiring me and remind me that I am flying.

* thank you PixieDust for wishing for me.

* thank you Kateri for enlightening me with 'm a g i c a l' stories xx

10 things you didn't know...

about me...

1. Orange is my favorite color

2. when i look up, i see 'laugh, laugh, laugh'...then i giggle*

3. If I can choose... I would love to have 10 children one day! :-)

4. I'm easily inspired

5. In our family, I'm the emotional one...my brother calls me 'Emo'

6. These days I have a very 'I don't care' attitude (which is weird)

7. I never wore bright colors, because my dad didn't like it. The last 6 years I only wear red, orange, green, yellow, white and blue colors...

8. I love connection

9. When I'm scared, I get paralyzed and don't do anything

10. Since I'm cooking 'with love', my dinners taste delicious! Teehee xx

my rockstar*

my own little rockstar*

breathing out*

"Ego takes everything personally. Emotion arises, defensiveness, perhaps eve aggression.

Are we defending the Truth? No, the truth in any case needs no defence.

You are defending yourself or rather the illusion of yourself.

Light travels faster than sound - that is a fact.

The light or sound does not care about what you or anybody else thinks.

A New Earth - Echard Tolle

My best friend phones me every time when she at the airport, on her way somewhere. Yesterday she phoned to say she is flying to San Francisco for 2 weeks, one week to attend Burning Man and the other to just walk around this beautiful city.

I've been right smack down in the middle of my business, which is struggling. I get all caught up in all the business aspects, forgetting that life is sooo much more. This phone call opened me up, reminded me that there is a world out there, a world and life worth living! Your job, your business - that which you think is the centre of your 'life' does not matter at all in the big circle of life.

So, anyone joining me? We're jumping out into life! xx

i have to believe*

Sometimes our lives contract before they expand. We may be working hard on
ourselves spiritually, doing good in the world, following our dreams, and
wondering why we are still facing constrictions of all kinds—financial,
emotional, physical. Perhaps we even feel as if we’ve lost our spirituality
and are stuck in a dark room with no windows. We may be confused and
discouraged by what appears to be a lack of progress. But sometimes this is
the way things work. Like a caterpillar that confines itself to a tiny
cocoon before it grows wings and flies, we are experiencing the darkness
before the dawn.

When things feel tight, it’s easy to panic or want to act in some way to
ease the feeling of constriction. We might also spin our wheels mentally,
trying to understand why things are the way they are. However, there is
nothing we need to do at this time other than to be patient and
persevering. We can cling to the awareness that we are processing the shift
from one stage to another, and the more we surrender to the experience, the
more quickly we will move through the tightness into the opening on th
other side. Just like a baby making its way down the birth canal, we may
feel squeezed and pushed and very uncomfortable, but if we remember that we
are on our way to being born into a new reality, we will find the strength
to carry on.

Even as we endure the contractions, we can find peace within ourselves if
we remember to trust the universe. We can look to the natural world for
inspiration as we see that all beings surrender to the process of being
born. In that surrender, and in the center of our own hearts, is a
willingness to trust in the unknown as we make our way through the opening.

10 things i love sunday*

1o things i love on this beautiful sunday...

1. pj's...all day long!

2. M3 coming home tonight...i miss him

3. watching dvd's all morning long...(we rarely watch tv)

4. having tea and Marie biscuits for breakfast

5. friends...my magical and beautiful blogging friends...i feel loved!

6. silence...just the birds singing outside...i hear possibilities

7. the click-clack of our datchhund's toe nails on the wooden floors...as he just checks that we are still here...teehee

8. photos... memories.... love...

9. sunshine! Love.it.!

10. the word 'mama'... he is my little lovebomb!

PS: on a sidenote...just thinking about Kellen and my mom... the 22nd of August will always be one of the most special days to me.

it's the day a little boy jumped right into our hearts! Last week Saturday, Kellen has been with us for a year...it's also the day

we let my mom's spirit free in Kirstenbosch Botanical Gardens...

spirit*

My mama....xx

life is sweet*

weekend routine...

*  wake up at 8am with a 'morning mama...klaar gedoedoes' (finish sleeping) 

*  kissing me until I get up to make porrigde...both of them...teehee

*  opening the curtains...sun streaming in....Africa! :-) 

*  hiding under the duvet, telling stories in our 'tent'

*  Then he will jump up, grab the brush and say 'dance'...which means... music! 

*  Then all 3 of us get up on the bed, 'mikes' in hand and sing and dance to the music! 

 

life is sweet...

what sweetness do you have in your life?