random thoughts*

Today is the day. 

I've been sitting around with 5 different posts in my head.  When I want to write, I think it does not add value, then I leave it. 

These posts were a few things that happened in my life, then the realization came, which I already knew. They also say that the realization can only happen when you already know it from within  - which is fabulous! So here they go:  

1. Living in another country is difficult for me. Not being surrounded by my family and friends, is difficult. I struggle.  Moving here, I decided that I'm just going to breath through everything, in the end 'everything will be ok'.  It does not feel ok.  I'm coping, but I'm unhappy. 

2. With breathing through everything, I have stopped living who I am.  Everything happening with or around me, was thought of as a learning curve, something I needed to learn in my life.  I'm impulsive from nature and love just getting up and doing things. I love talking and chatting and laughing, but since living here I've stopped doing any of it, because of fear of what people are going to think of me. They are different, I have to adapt to their way of living which is absolute kadoodles. I realised I've been stopping myself from expressing who I am, living what I believe in, stopping myself 'thinking i have to learn something'.  You learn through doing and being..not by waiting and seeing. (aha!)

3. another post I was going to write would have started something like this: 

'I'm quiet, but loud.

I'm reserved, but open. 

I'm shy, but confident. 

I'm a lover of people, but they have to reach out to me as well.

I'm consistently trying to please others, but really wanting to only please myself. (?)

I'm impulsive, but responsible. 

I love to take care of people, but haven't done that in a year. 

I'm a hard worker, but feel as if I have not done anything this past year.

I'm an avid reader of anything, but feel too guilty to sit down and read. 

I'm constantly aware of the sacrifice we made to come here, continuously looking for what we are suppose to learn through all this.

I'm happily married, blessed to the ends of the world.

Within all these words I realised that I'm not living who I know I am. I'm constantly taking a step back, scared of stepping on anybodies toes. I'm tired of living like this. It's too much hard work. 

4. My life came full-circle last Thursday evening. At college we had to divide into groups and do an exercise. You get a piece of paper with columns on with headings e.g. color, food, animal, furniture, vechile and you have to take your group members and write down the first thought of color that you associate A with.   You also had to give reasons for you choice. This exercise was to hear how others see you.   

K said for animal she chose parrot and monkey - my first thoughts were I talk too much! She explained she was looking for a animal that is free-spirited, then she thought of a bird flying, and which more beautiful bird to be than a parrot which is colorful and bright as well. The monkey was for always taking care of people xx. my eyes just welled up with tears, and I realised full circle! 

Growing up I could never express who I was because I used to stutter so badly that I could not even say my name.  I always had this idea in my head, this voice telling me who I am, but what other people said about me and how they reacted towards me, was something different.  I remember thinking 'but that is not me, I don't do that'..but because I could not talk, I would just accept it and retrieve. Thinking everybody else must know better than myself. Still, my inner voice was  much stronger and I knew I was different to what they thought.  

Going to university when I was 19 was great. No-body knew me, nobody knew I stuttered, nobody had any expectations of me, I could just be myself. I'm proud to say I got my diploma with honors, I was the class representative of 300 students and I did not stutter once. 

It was funny. When I was with my fellow students and friends, I could be me. When I was with my old school friends, relatives and family, the stutter returned. It was as if I lived 2 separate lives. Working in London in 1999 and 2000 brought back all the uncertainty and the stutter came back - because I wanted to impress people I don't even care about.  In May 2001 we returned to South Africa and I decided I'm going to do what is going to make me happy and that is teaching. In 2003 I opened my nursery school (with the whole family against my idea!), but luckily I have some of my mom's stubbornness, and it is still today a successful story! 

Ever since, I believe I have been true to myself in every way possible.  When I'm with people who wants to be with me, I am me.  I think I have to teach myself how to be myself with others as well. 

Which brings me to the next post which was going to be something like this: 

I would love to be so in touch with herself like  this Beauty! 

I would love to be as creative and alive as her! 

Her whole essense wants me to jump up and live..her love is overwhelming warm!

She makes me feel balanced and loved. 

I would love to be as soft and confidant as she

I want to be as daring and colorful as her.

I would love to be as real and creative as she

In my next life I want to be as poetic and vibrant as her

I would love to be in touch with my body and life as she

I always stop with this gorgeous brave woman! 

Jenny stops me in my tracks.  I don't have anything to complain or moan about. I don't have anything to worry about. I have every possible reason to feel happy and great! 

Jenny always stops me right in the mids of my thoughts...but I know that my feelings and thoughts and my life is real to me. Please pray for Jenny xx

Coming back to myself... even though I want to have all these attributes of friends, I know I am only myself. I may already have some of these qualities, but, thinking about the difficult road I walked within myself to be where I am today, (and of Jenny), I don't have time to waste trying to be someone I am not. 

I am who I am.

I am living this wild and precious life I have. 

I'm not waiting until we are back in SA. 

I'm alive today. 

I'm living now. 

I know who I am. 

I know what makes me happy. 

I don't need anything else - I have everything right here, within my heart! xx

Happy living! 

PS: With this post I'm honoring M3, for he has been next to me with every step of my journey, believing in who I am, in who I want to be. Trusting that I know myself, loving me for me. I love you!