soul*

Soul receives from soul that knowledge, therefore not by book
nor from tongue.
If knowledge of mysteries come after emptiness of mind, that is
illumination of heart.

nails & hurt*

I'm not really willing to write this post.

but I'm coming out.

I have to. For myself.
mostly for myself.

being honest about the truth.

Also, you have to know that I like detail...and feelings and emotions and reactions...and clarifications...and honesty...that is me. All upfront...

I did'nt want to blog before I have not finished my new banner/layout...(but oh! to be a photoshop dummy is difficult! )

I didn't want to blog before I have not settled down, because I want to start a whole new space with my new experience as a mommy...being uplifting! inspiring! Positive! And post and write things about the good in life!!! The most important things in my life right now...are mostly all good...I just have to be honest about me. (i think this post would be part of the letting go)

I didn't want to blog, for all the same reasons as all the other beauties out there who feels insecure...and then all of a sudden...I did not have the need to blog anymore! (most amazing feeling!!!)

I also thought to myself - get out there...make your life happen...and stop reading about how other's live....

I also do not want to stop blogging because I've created the most amazing connections with beautiful friends and souls...and I want each of you to stay part of my life...you inspire me...reminds me who I am...who I want to be...

This past week I've been going onto facebook wanting to write in my status 'thinking about life' / contemplating on how to live my life / making changes in my life / thinking thinking thinking...

part of all this is that it is difficult for me to express what i'm feeling in words...

I know I'm so much more in real life!

All the things I think of people I admire...i know i am that in real life.

So for that reason, the blogging became sort of....not important...i tried to re-connect with all the people around me in my everyday life...but oh boy! It's difficult.

I'm a kind person. (this is not one of those posts/conversations where i write about who i am to convince myself that i am that...i think i just need to get this out there to the universe).

I'm a kind person.

I'm very patient.

I love people.

I love working with people.

I LOVE LOVe LOVE taking care of people...making them smile...doing something small or big to make them feel special...anybody...not just people around me...strangers / family / anybody!

I'm honest. Straightforward. Open.

I'm energised. I'm emotional. I'm warm and open for your story...I love hearing your story.

I talk alot. I talk even more when i get excited (and jump up and down, clapping hands when i'm really really happy) :-)

I love connecting with people. I'm really interested in how your day was...if you enjoy your work...wondering how your heart is? (how is your heart? )

I love working. I love having time to play. I love going to work. (just thinking, I love telling stories in detail).

I love being a mama! and a wife! It's the most amazing thing in the world...being a wife...and a mama...they go hand in hand...it's divine...(this will be my first post in my new space...mmmm).

but this post is about nails and hurt.

about people who says they love you and knows exactly where to place the nail...and booof...hit it hard...even harder if they can...and you smile...and act as if life is good. you are secure. and great. and grateful.

i'm so tired.

of smiling. and acting confidant. and as if what they say and do don't have an effect on me.

i'm tired

of breathing out...smiling...thinking to myself...'you are better than this..let it go'

i'm tired

of not reacting on things that really hurt my heart...

of trying to act as if i belong...as if i have a little space there.

i'm tired

of walking into 'my dream' and having to find my feet again, having to tell people that i have the right to be there...

i'm tired of having to proof myself to people that don't even add to my life (so why do i do that...they work for me....mmmm...thinking about this one)

i'm tired of not being able to trust my own partner

i'm tired of acting that everything is ok.

i'm tired of feeling insecure in my own environment around a dream that i built.

i'm sad (and tired) of letting comments go that hurt me

i'm done with people who say they love and respect you, saying hurtful things...and just letting it go.

i'm done with people stepping on me.

i feel like saying i'm done being kind and honest and all that things...but that would not be true at all...cause i love who i am. i love being who i am.

i realised i need to make changes if all this things happening around me is getting me to think negative and hurtful things towards those people...cause that is not who i am.

My siblings and i are VERY different. Or more..I'm totally different than they are. I'm sensitive to others' feelings, emotional, interested in people, I'll rather listen to your story...than tell my own...If you are sad, I'm sad with you, I cry when i'm really really happy or if i have not seen you in a long time...i'm emotional...

or mental as my siblings would call me. They think they are ALWAYS right and when someone else gives their opinion, and they disagree, they will smile and still think that they are right. For their obvious lack of awareness (yes, that's the word), i've always just stepped back, kept quiet, said 'i love you' when they said something rude/belittling to me, cause i know better. (i'm the eldest!!!!) They convinced me growing up that i was adopted cause i was so different than them.

Oh dear! this is just history...it.is.over. i'm 34..supposedly. life goes on. and tonite one of them was really rude again (of course they just made a joke!).

the only difference was that this time, I did not stand back. I did not say I love you. i did not think they don't know better. this time, tonite, i told them exactly how it hurt. no, i did not even do that. I told them exactly what i thought about them.

I would think 24 years of insults and jokes and 'teasing' and teaming up against me is starting to peek out...

(and now i don't know what else to say...teehee :-)

ashamed. no.

sad. no.

disappointed. no.

angry. yes. very.

upset. yes, i think.

on a mission. yes (to the world in a big, loud voice!) to all of you in a scary, tiny, whisper....

breathing out....speechless....feeling a bit naked in front of all of you...

On Sunday i told my mother-in-law i will not be quiet any more, i will not stand for her insults and disapproving of me as a daughter-in-law just because she is insecure. (she asked my husband in front of me if he thinks that Kellen (our son) just took a liking in me because i am a woman and he is looking for a mother figure. I looked at him, and then at her, thinking i must have heard wrongly and then said: 'no, he took a liking in me because i'm cute and adorable and the best mom in the world and he can feel the love i have for him'. (and then just let it go...cause she don't know better....)

Yesterday my partner told someone 'she shines in her absence'...(i have not been going to the school out of respect for her, not to interfere with her running the school...not to step on anybody's toes, because we have different management styles...but mostly out of respect for her)

Today, I asked my sibling to take my mom to the doctor if it's not too much trouble, but she is a pharmacist and remember! she knows everything! She sent me a text saying 'maybe mrs Care must get on the plane and take mom to the doctor'. (my mom's just visiting from Canada for 3 months...) She added that she realise my reaction is 'deeper issues' that i'm working through and when i'm done working through my issues, she will still be here to love me. Also, that she is really happy that she is just having boys, for they are not as emotional as i am. (she is not emotional at all...and has absolutely no awareness of herself )

'Mrs Care' did it for me. She loves me! She adores who I am. She loves how much I care for others. She loves how much I love my dreams. She gets really excited when I stand up for myself. She is really proud of me. She knows it's hard...but she says i must push through and be me. She also encourages me to be open and honest, to hurt when I hurt. She tells me not to judge myself. She reminds me daily to be kind to myself. To open my heart. To stand for what I believe in. Mrs Care loves me. I love Mrs. Care.

I think...I met her here in the blogging world....

Mrs Care,

if you are listening, please tell me how to handle all of this!

How do I stand up for myself in a beautiful, truthful manner without hurting others?

How do I go for what I know I want without being mean and stepping on other's toes?

How can I be honest and still be happy with what i see in the mirror?

Mrs Care, I need your wisdom...xx

soft*

I feel enveloped

in the softness

that is life

fragile sometimes,

protected.

an amazingly silly day*

Today,

I wanted to...

1. understand people

2. let go of frustration

3. know everything

4. understand Photoshop instantly

5. stand on a hill and scream

6. go look for yellow shoes

7. not protect myself

8. not be assertive

9. not be straightforward

10. and honest

11. move into our house

12. have all our things around us (and my husband back...he is in the UK)

13. not having to breathe through stuff

14. say what I felt

15. close my eyes and imagine him arriving into this world from us

16. not feel scared

17. today i got angry and it felt good.

Arriving home today after different silly little incidents that made me want to really express how i was feeling, I walked into the house. Kellen came over, took my hand and made me sit on the kitchen floor. He ran to the cupboard, open it and came running back, laughing, with the giggles* in his eyes, and the peanut butter jar in his hands. He made me open it...sat down next to me...showed me to go first...and we dipped our fingers in the jar...licked them off. Expressing the mmmmmm's and aaaahhhh's...He giggled* and said 'nog' (which means more)..and with every little giggle, I could feel the silly incidents falling off my shoulders...escaping from my mind...reminding me that those were just silly little moments in my day...that my day is amazing!

I took a few photos of his yummy little hands...this one spoke to me...

When we moved i lost my birthday calender, and I must admit that it is quite freeing to not have to remember to phone anyone on their birthdays. I just let it go...this photo reminded me of where I am/were these past few weeks...i let it all go...the things I felt I needed to do...the obligations towards others....the reminders to phone people...blogging...my career ambitions...these few weeks I concentrated on being human. On doing ordinary things every extraordinary day.

Seeing this photo, I'm reminded that I'm still holding on ...holding on to my ambitions of being a fabulous and successfull businesswoman, a super wife, an amazing mommy, a fantastic friend, sister, daughter...I still want to be it all at once....but the light is shining in on me...me opening up slowly....to scared to let the light in completely.

magical Christmas*

I love this man with my whole heart!

Together, we are LOVE.

On 22nd of December 2008 this little elf became

legally our son.

Today he is a daddy...

This Christmas, I am a mommy...

We are leaping!

Blessed into abundance!

I hope you are surrounded by people that love you

with abundance...

Have a magical Christmas! xx

Life is good*

Wake up in the mornings in our

room with a view!

I got coffee and rusks in bed! Together with

a dirty nappy and getting soaked with a water

pistol! heehee!

Saturday morning all of us played board games!

We laughed! and fought! Teehee!

Climbed rocks by myself!

Not scared of anything!

Our swimming pool in front of our camping site.

This is where we spent most of our time

swam with Daddy in the very cold river...

even wanted to go down the rapids!

Everybody went down the river on Octopus!

'Bye 'liefie'....(bye lovely)...too adorable!

We built houses...yum-yum!

All the cousins went for a walk while

Grandma played Christmas songs on her

mouth flute...

Mommy & Daddy had to climb rocks with me!

Of course! :-)

No, I don't have any water pistols...promise!?

Packing up and laughing uncontrolable!

Life is good!

this just made my day*

Right now, Lin, imagine the mansion of your wildest dreams.
Happy, shiny, and filled with laughing friends
who are carrying you through the giant double doors,
across the marble entry hall,
marching you up and down the circular stairway
on their shoulders.

A live band blasting out back by the dock,
a water polo match in the pool
that was recently spiked with bubble bath,
the paparazzi flying in low on helicopters
to catch just a glimpse of you.
Speed boats, sailboats,
and so many jet skis
whizzing around
that your neighbors think
James Bond, Kanye West, or Beyoncé,
must have been invited...

And then suddenly,
when you think it just couldn't get any better,
the doorbell GONGS, and everyone falls silent.

Yes!! Pizza guy!!

You really know how to live.
The Universe

Nice gardens, Lin!
I didn't know you played tennis!
And whose idea were all the naked statues posing like that?

a few days of 31*

“Photography is truth.”

On Saturday morning we went for a walk along the beach...

the two of us sat for an hour on a rock, watching the

waves break against the rocks...

cuddling...giggling...just being...

The sun was bright...the water shiny...

reminded me of diamonds within our reach...

Preparing for our Gratitude feast / Christmas...

We may not always understand the road we are

traveling, but trusting the process, knowing that the right

thing will happen for you at exact the right moment,

is magical!

Sometimes we cannot see right in

front of us...we just have to keep

going...eventhough we feel

uncertain and out of place...

just keep going...

Someone is looking out for YOU!

Close your eyes...believe in yourself...and fly!

day 4 of 31*

For 8 Christmas's we hoped & prayed...

and wished!

This year...

We have our own silly little elf!

day 3 of 31*

Orange is red brought nearer to humanity by yellow.

- Kandinsky

day 2 of 31*

Sand dune, Cannon Rocks, Eastern Cape

day 1 of 31*

My friend Dar, is hosting the December views again...here we go!

Have fun! xx

We are making biscuits for Christmas!

Mmmmmm.....let me just taste!

Oooeee Mama!!! It feels so gooood!!!!

today*

Sun shining through the trees - my mom's garden

* we played in the garden

* we picked Inca lilies to put in the kitchen

* we took a long afternoon nap

* we danced

* we giggled until we cried

* we hugged! and loved! and cuddled

* we made 'potjiekos' on the fire

* we sipped on a glass of wine

* we talked about family traditions and members

* we dreamed...

* and wished!

* we said our thank you's...

for miracles coming true... a little blue eyed boy...health...sunshine...family...love...

* today every moment was lived as if it was our last!

Today was a perfect day! xx

truths*

Kellen

1. looking yourself straight in the eyes

2. being honest with yourself

3. embracing the past

4. letting it go

5. accepting

6. loving yourself

and miracles do happen!

strings of thought*

Free.

I've been climbing rocks...

facing fears...

excelling above my own expectations...

(but knowing my heart I can do it)

I've been visiting my sister...

my memories...

my heart...

I've been playing with K...

I've been living.

It's over.

When I was 7 years old we went to Heroldsbay

with my grandma and grandpa.

It was the first time we were allowed to go alone to the

beach with the neighbours. I remember sitting in the little waves,

as it was pulling back, my legs were covered in 'bloublasies'.

I cried all the way home. My grandma put me in a bath with vinegar,

I put on my new pajamas that i got for xmas,

and was extra spoiled the rest of the day.

I felt special.

How many times have I used 'bloublasies' to

just hear 'i am loved'?

I wonder how many times

Life is shiny! Open! Life is gorgeous!

You just have to look!

Every morning I would open the curtains,

go out on the deck and just stand there,

admiring the beauty right in front of me.

Gratefulness...thoughts coming to my mind...

gratefulness...

Peaceful...

I feel peaceful...

I am unique.

While walking on the beach today

I passed this big rock covered in sand.

On top, right in the middle, on a bed of soft sand

laid one little rock.

I heard the rock saying

you are unique.

you matter.

you are perfect.

Hiding.

I realised I've been hiding behind

the pain of stuttering, of insecurities,

I've been hiding behind the pain of infertility,

of wishing and hoping and wishing more!

I've been hiding behind the

thorns of anger, and sadness,

of feeling scared...but always hoping.

I've been hiding behind 'not knowing',

not knowing where I'm going,

not knowing who I am,

not knowing what I want.

I've also been hiding from living.

Calmness surrounds me...

my own insecurities lurking in the background.

Luckily for me i have friends who

give me clarity,

who reminds me that i am loved.

I see things clearly now.

It feels as if I've done some

letting go this week...

of insecurities, uncertainties.

I see friends connect and giggle,

and I release myself into the universe.

for that same connections,

for that same love.

I 've decided to :

take myself lightly,

to laugh at myself,

to giggle more,

to listen more,

to trust my intuition.

To trust myself,

that I am enough.

*i'm breathing out...as all this is new to me...teehee xx

little angels*

I am so cute

I love myself.

Fully.

I am cute.

and adorable!

I am capable

and creative.

I am open.

Soft, & gentle.

I am love.

Having such a great time with my sister and her family. The cousins are having the 'war of the roses'...fighting...loving...crying the one minute and loving until the end the next minute. They are so cute...and so funny...

I'm so proud of my sister...I'll do a seperate post on her...she is great!

I love her so much!

But...

I just wanted to say:

I am love. You are love. You are loved.

I am open. You are open. Open wide.

I am soft. You are soft...and gentle...yes, you are.

Sweet dreams xx

life*

The two men in my life!

I've been trying to upload some other photos as well, but the universe is telling me to just be grateful...for these two gorgeous men! for the gale force winds blowing outside, which makes me feel just a little bit uncomfortable flying to my sister tomorrow. I have not seen her in the last 17 months. Their son, Morgan, just turned 2 years old (who is also my godson) and he and Kellen has not met either! I feel like I'm meeting all of you tomorrow!

I'll leave you with this beautiful photo (see - I'm totally smitten! :0-) I have 12 other photos that I would love to share with you...of what we've been doing here every day...but for now...just adore this little boy and his daddy! He is the most amazing daddy...the other night my brother hugged me and told Kellen 'mine' to see what his reaction would be. Then M3 came in and did the same, on which Kellen took both of us around our heads, pulling us towards him, saying 'mine'! with a huge smile!!! I don't think you can feel more loved and adored in life than through the love of little children!

Life is good.

for today...

hug someone

hold someones hand

say: 'i'm a lucky lady'

tell someone how much you love them

Life is good. xx