i wonder sometimes 
My mom and I pampering ourselves...yummie!
My 'Big Dad' & I
M3 & I taken tonight...
just back from my ‘whirlwind-dreams-coming-true’ week, with a moment to breath… and connect…i was going to write you an email, but what i want to say is my epiphany, my ‘accepting of the preparation for this very minute’.
this past year, living in another country, feeling lonely…. you know all that I felt through out this year… you journeyed with me…
In retrospection :-) today and this past week only… I’ve realised that (for me) God prepared me in every way possible for this past week. He used this year, in a different country, where I pitied and sulked and cried and felt so utterly lonely and deprived of friendships and family - He used this year to prepare me to go within, to look at myself with open eyes, no secrets to hide, no giggling to protect, no walls of protection, no people to misguide/mislead me to ‘be busy’ with other things, He used this year to help me to look at myself with an open heart, at every little and big detail about myself, to accept those I didn’t want to, and to embrace those parts of me that I was too scared to look at.
I did not know any of this before last week… before Monday, the 7th of June, I was searching for me, for my future, for where I want to go, what I want to be, who I want to be, and how and where and when… all the same emotions you are feeling. The big search for you don’t even know what. All you know is that you want to know, but it is as if and when you think about ‘what I want to do and become’… it just stop. There is this huge space…. and it just stop.
It brought me back to the here and now. It brought me back to living in the present,to reaching within and embrace all of who I am. It taught me to breath… to put my feet softly down - to ground myself. I feel grounded. I feel connected to myself. I feel my heart beating with every second that passes through me. I feel me, which is in normal circumstances totally not the me I used to know.
All the uncertainty channelled me towards my heart and soul. I know now that I am me.
Right now, at this moment, all we have to do is to trust the process… trust the process… trust the process….
So sweet friend, all that I just said here is my own epiphany of myself and my life, of what happened for me this past year, to where I am this very minute.
I embrace all of you… your uncertainty, your sadness, your not knowing, your fears, your excitement, your heart, your soul and YOU.
I trust your feelings, I trust your emotions, I trust your dreams, I trust in YOU. I trust the process.
Love you xx
This was my note on my friends last post, which is exactly how I feel... since Saturday a few not so new feelings were added. Just reading about a beautiful woman's journey and the very difficult road she is on, I was wondering where this road is heading/leading/going...I get all excited! to just think about the past, and then imagining just what exciting things lie ahead... especially with the magic in our lives at this very minute.
I've come to realise these past few weeks that we don't have any control over our life. We have the power, which is love, to live it as full as we possibly and humanly can, through love. My sister-in-law did a angel reading for me last weekend when we were in CT and the first card I pulled was 'power'. She told me to imagine a cap over my shoulders... with a torch in my hand, which I'm holding up and there is this bright light shining from the torch. Then she asked me to close my eyes, to imagine holding the torch and asked me how I felt.
I felt uncomfortable... I don't like being in such a position... on which she said two things... (1) control is fear-based...(2) power is all love! God shines through us, into our hearts and the light is the love from within us and God.
Instantly I knew the feeling I had was fear based, knowing that my heart is overflowing with LOVE! Specifically these past few days, whenever I start to feel as if I'm 'freaking out' (best description :-), I focus on my power within, trusting the process and the fear subside.
For me this has been a lesson in letting go, in trusting, and loving with an open heart! I am excited with the possibilities.. .I'm thinking... If I just think about what already happened in my life in the past few years, I'm over the moon to think what can happen in the next few...my heart just open even more!
5 years ago when our 2nd attempt for IVF failed I went to church. The pastor was talking to the teenagers and I still thought wrong night. No message for me. I decided when they all get up to sing, I'm just going to disappear. Even before that, all of sudden, the pastor turn to my side of the church and said:
"You, you who are angry with God, sit."
Silently I sat down... and listened :0)
That night God spoke directly to me and said through Phillippians 1 verse 6: "being confident of this very thing that he who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ".
I've carried this verse in my heart all these years. Whenever I doubt our purpose of being parents, I would grasp for this verse and embrace it. I want to say I think God is working with the good in us.. and all these years He prepared us for what is coming...'' and what is coming is GOOD!
So, what have you been carrying in your heart for so many years? xx
These past 11 days have been...
| Statistically speaking, Lin, the odds do not look good... "Hey, just remember to love yourself no matter what happens." Spiritually speaking, well... let's see... "Ooh, la, la! Where did you get that tan?! Is that your passport? You know Matt?!" Just so you know which side of the fence to play on. Thoughts become things, |
| There's always a way, Lin, when we work together. xx |
While looking for the photos, I found these in a different folder and hearing myself telling the universe I did hear her... but need to let go through saying good bye... This photo is of our living room... here we sat many evenings chatting and laughing and crying! These couches makes me giggle... my brother and his girlfriend, who is now his wife, came many a night to visit us. When they would sit down on these couches they would start talking about how they don't communicate, talking through their own stuff... and M3 and I would just listen... we called it 'the white couch' syndrome... (it happened with other people as well). M3 and I loved it... it meant that they felt safe and comfortable... they trusted our space and our love, they knew we would just listen... on their wedding day my brother thanked us, and said: 'and that white couch, we would be forever thankful!" 
This was a gift from my very first friend I made here in Chilbolton. I thought she was 40 years old... 66! I could not believe it. She is young of heart! Kind! Generous! Alive! Objective! In love with her husband of 45 years. She paints, she makes little gifts for people, she visits with the elderly, she reads and travels and know who she is. She shows daily gratitude for every little thing, she is funny! A grandma, she listens, she mothers and she says the right thing at the right time (even if you think you don't want to hear it). 
We have a black wood table against the wall in our dining room with some of our photos on. One of those are this photo of us on our wedding day. This was one of the two photos that the universe allowed me to upload :-)
