an amazingly silly day*

Today,

I wanted to...

1. understand people

2. let go of frustration

3. know everything

4. understand Photoshop instantly

5. stand on a hill and scream

6. go look for yellow shoes

7. not protect myself

8. not be assertive

9. not be straightforward

10. and honest

11. move into our house

12. have all our things around us (and my husband back...he is in the UK)

13. not having to breathe through stuff

14. say what I felt

15. close my eyes and imagine him arriving into this world from us

16. not feel scared

17. today i got angry and it felt good.

Arriving home today after different silly little incidents that made me want to really express how i was feeling, I walked into the house. Kellen came over, took my hand and made me sit on the kitchen floor. He ran to the cupboard, open it and came running back, laughing, with the giggles* in his eyes, and the peanut butter jar in his hands. He made me open it...sat down next to me...showed me to go first...and we dipped our fingers in the jar...licked them off. Expressing the mmmmmm's and aaaahhhh's...He giggled* and said 'nog' (which means more)..and with every little giggle, I could feel the silly incidents falling off my shoulders...escaping from my mind...reminding me that those were just silly little moments in my day...that my day is amazing!

I took a few photos of his yummy little hands...this one spoke to me...

When we moved i lost my birthday calender, and I must admit that it is quite freeing to not have to remember to phone anyone on their birthdays. I just let it go...this photo reminded me of where I am/were these past few weeks...i let it all go...the things I felt I needed to do...the obligations towards others....the reminders to phone people...blogging...my career ambitions...these few weeks I concentrated on being human. On doing ordinary things every extraordinary day.

Seeing this photo, I'm reminded that I'm still holding on ...holding on to my ambitions of being a fabulous and successfull businesswoman, a super wife, an amazing mommy, a fantastic friend, sister, daughter...I still want to be it all at once....but the light is shining in on me...me opening up slowly....to scared to let the light in completely.

magical Christmas*

I love this man with my whole heart!

Together, we are LOVE.

On 22nd of December 2008 this little elf became

legally our son.

Today he is a daddy...

This Christmas, I am a mommy...

We are leaping!

Blessed into abundance!

I hope you are surrounded by people that love you

with abundance...

Have a magical Christmas! xx

Life is good*

Wake up in the mornings in our

room with a view!

I got coffee and rusks in bed! Together with

a dirty nappy and getting soaked with a water

pistol! heehee!

Saturday morning all of us played board games!

We laughed! and fought! Teehee!

Climbed rocks by myself!

Not scared of anything!

Our swimming pool in front of our camping site.

This is where we spent most of our time

swam with Daddy in the very cold river...

even wanted to go down the rapids!

Everybody went down the river on Octopus!

'Bye 'liefie'....(bye lovely)...too adorable!

We built houses...yum-yum!

All the cousins went for a walk while

Grandma played Christmas songs on her

mouth flute...

Mommy & Daddy had to climb rocks with me!

Of course! :-)

No, I don't have any water pistols...promise!?

Packing up and laughing uncontrolable!

Life is good!

this just made my day*

Right now, Lin, imagine the mansion of your wildest dreams.
Happy, shiny, and filled with laughing friends
who are carrying you through the giant double doors,
across the marble entry hall,
marching you up and down the circular stairway
on their shoulders.

A live band blasting out back by the dock,
a water polo match in the pool
that was recently spiked with bubble bath,
the paparazzi flying in low on helicopters
to catch just a glimpse of you.
Speed boats, sailboats,
and so many jet skis
whizzing around
that your neighbors think
James Bond, Kanye West, or Beyoncé,
must have been invited...

And then suddenly,
when you think it just couldn't get any better,
the doorbell GONGS, and everyone falls silent.

Yes!! Pizza guy!!

You really know how to live.
The Universe

Nice gardens, Lin!
I didn't know you played tennis!
And whose idea were all the naked statues posing like that?

a few days of 31*

“Photography is truth.”

On Saturday morning we went for a walk along the beach...

the two of us sat for an hour on a rock, watching the

waves break against the rocks...

cuddling...giggling...just being...

The sun was bright...the water shiny...

reminded me of diamonds within our reach...

Preparing for our Gratitude feast / Christmas...

We may not always understand the road we are

traveling, but trusting the process, knowing that the right

thing will happen for you at exact the right moment,

is magical!

Sometimes we cannot see right in

front of us...we just have to keep

going...eventhough we feel

uncertain and out of place...

just keep going...

Someone is looking out for YOU!

Close your eyes...believe in yourself...and fly!

day 4 of 31*

For 8 Christmas's we hoped & prayed...

and wished!

This year...

We have our own silly little elf!

day 3 of 31*

Orange is red brought nearer to humanity by yellow.

- Kandinsky

day 2 of 31*

Sand dune, Cannon Rocks, Eastern Cape

day 1 of 31*

My friend Dar, is hosting the December views again...here we go!

Have fun! xx

We are making biscuits for Christmas!

Mmmmmm.....let me just taste!

Oooeee Mama!!! It feels so gooood!!!!

today*

Sun shining through the trees - my mom's garden

* we played in the garden

* we picked Inca lilies to put in the kitchen

* we took a long afternoon nap

* we danced

* we giggled until we cried

* we hugged! and loved! and cuddled

* we made 'potjiekos' on the fire

* we sipped on a glass of wine

* we talked about family traditions and members

* we dreamed...

* and wished!

* we said our thank you's...

for miracles coming true... a little blue eyed boy...health...sunshine...family...love...

* today every moment was lived as if it was our last!

Today was a perfect day! xx

truths*

Kellen

1. looking yourself straight in the eyes

2. being honest with yourself

3. embracing the past

4. letting it go

5. accepting

6. loving yourself

and miracles do happen!

strings of thought*

Free.

I've been climbing rocks...

facing fears...

excelling above my own expectations...

(but knowing my heart I can do it)

I've been visiting my sister...

my memories...

my heart...

I've been playing with K...

I've been living.

It's over.

When I was 7 years old we went to Heroldsbay

with my grandma and grandpa.

It was the first time we were allowed to go alone to the

beach with the neighbours. I remember sitting in the little waves,

as it was pulling back, my legs were covered in 'bloublasies'.

I cried all the way home. My grandma put me in a bath with vinegar,

I put on my new pajamas that i got for xmas,

and was extra spoiled the rest of the day.

I felt special.

How many times have I used 'bloublasies' to

just hear 'i am loved'?

I wonder how many times

Life is shiny! Open! Life is gorgeous!

You just have to look!

Every morning I would open the curtains,

go out on the deck and just stand there,

admiring the beauty right in front of me.

Gratefulness...thoughts coming to my mind...

gratefulness...

Peaceful...

I feel peaceful...

I am unique.

While walking on the beach today

I passed this big rock covered in sand.

On top, right in the middle, on a bed of soft sand

laid one little rock.

I heard the rock saying

you are unique.

you matter.

you are perfect.

Hiding.

I realised I've been hiding behind

the pain of stuttering, of insecurities,

I've been hiding behind the pain of infertility,

of wishing and hoping and wishing more!

I've been hiding behind the

thorns of anger, and sadness,

of feeling scared...but always hoping.

I've been hiding behind 'not knowing',

not knowing where I'm going,

not knowing who I am,

not knowing what I want.

I've also been hiding from living.

Calmness surrounds me...

my own insecurities lurking in the background.

Luckily for me i have friends who

give me clarity,

who reminds me that i am loved.

I see things clearly now.

It feels as if I've done some

letting go this week...

of insecurities, uncertainties.

I see friends connect and giggle,

and I release myself into the universe.

for that same connections,

for that same love.

I 've decided to :

take myself lightly,

to laugh at myself,

to giggle more,

to listen more,

to trust my intuition.

To trust myself,

that I am enough.

*i'm breathing out...as all this is new to me...teehee xx

little angels*

I am so cute

I love myself.

Fully.

I am cute.

and adorable!

I am capable

and creative.

I am open.

Soft, & gentle.

I am love.

Having such a great time with my sister and her family. The cousins are having the 'war of the roses'...fighting...loving...crying the one minute and loving until the end the next minute. They are so cute...and so funny...

I'm so proud of my sister...I'll do a seperate post on her...she is great!

I love her so much!

But...

I just wanted to say:

I am love. You are love. You are loved.

I am open. You are open. Open wide.

I am soft. You are soft...and gentle...yes, you are.

Sweet dreams xx

life*

The two men in my life!

I've been trying to upload some other photos as well, but the universe is telling me to just be grateful...for these two gorgeous men! for the gale force winds blowing outside, which makes me feel just a little bit uncomfortable flying to my sister tomorrow. I have not seen her in the last 17 months. Their son, Morgan, just turned 2 years old (who is also my godson) and he and Kellen has not met either! I feel like I'm meeting all of you tomorrow!

I'll leave you with this beautiful photo (see - I'm totally smitten! :0-) I have 12 other photos that I would love to share with you...of what we've been doing here every day...but for now...just adore this little boy and his daddy! He is the most amazing daddy...the other night my brother hugged me and told Kellen 'mine' to see what his reaction would be. Then M3 came in and did the same, on which Kellen took both of us around our heads, pulling us towards him, saying 'mine'! with a huge smile!!! I don't think you can feel more loved and adored in life than through the love of little children!

Life is good.

for today...

hug someone

hold someones hand

say: 'i'm a lucky lady'

tell someone how much you love them

Life is good. xx

Love is a poet*

At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet.

Plato

It's a funny place where I am at.

Where is that? you ask.

I wish I knew.

In this book by Dr. John F Demartini says that if you can be grateful for every thing in your life, you will be happy. A teacher told him: 'If there is a day in your life that you cannot be grateful for, it's wise to go back and look at that day from a different perspective, with different eyes until you see its purpose with a feeling of gratitude. Otherwise, you will carry that day into tomorrow. You will never be able to be fully present tomorrow because you will still be stuck in that day'.

He goes on to say you should take every single memorie/day you haven't been grateful for and ask, 'how did it serve me and others?' Everything you cannot be grateful for, becomes baggage. (ouch!) The more ingratitude people accumulate in their life, the more they are stuck in the past, and that, in turn, creates fears of the future and guilt of the past and prevents them from being inspired and present.

Go back through your life and write thank you notes to everyone involved, and that includes you.
Start a gratitude journal.

If you read my previous post, you would know that I'm a bit lost inbetween...myself?:-) I am grateful for every day and every little tiny detail happening in my life...but still it is not enough. I want more.

Coming back to what Dr. Demartini wrote - what do you think? Are we grateful for every tiny detail, not grateful enough to move past it? Or am I selfish to want more from this life?

Saying that, I'm thinking but go out and get it! Do it! Take that one tiny step to what you want and just do it! Stop talking and thinking, and do it!

I have to create what I want?

What would that little step be for me?

:-) Do something that is something.

I am listening to the Parlotones' 'Interlude' and the song starts with 'the impossible is born'....

When we got the call asking us if we would be interested to adopt the cutest little boy ever!, this was the first song I heard in the car on the way to work. 'THE IMPOSSIBLE IS BORN'

How have we not long for this call! This moment that our dream of 8 years would be that one little step closer...and the impossible is born....I think it is the same with any dream...take that one little step...and the impossible is born - the possiblity that your dream can/will come true...

Just writing all this opens my heart and I feel so exctremely grateful and in awe. In awe of this beautiful little boy, that God chose us! That is even more miraculous...it was an answer on my prayer...I remember telling M3 that even if this adoption does not work out in our favor, I will still be grateful, because with God choosing us first for this little boy, I felt relieve that there is nothing wrong with us, that we are good enough to be parents. (Whenever in the ups and downs of infertility - you question God, wanting to know if there is something wrong with you that you cannot have children...) the relieve came through the thought that we are the chosen ones for him...

This post is filled with many thoughts...and there are lots where this came from, but for today I'm satisfied. (is that the word?) Satisfied? frowning...yes, for today I'm satisfied...

that I am here.
I am exactly where I need to be.
the impossible is born...not knowing where i am...
or going...
but then again...i don't need to be anywhere else,
than exactly right here, on this page, in this moment.

sigh* gratefulness....i don't need much to be filled up!

So, today I want to ask you:

Have you taken that one little step?

be brave...cause that one little step....make the impossible being born!

I promise. xx

gratitude*

The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing

called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it,

you will discover that for you the world is transformed.

- J. Krishnamurti

I've been wanting to write about what is going on in my heart for some time now. I've been reading and catching up with all of you...glowing in the beauty of dreams coming true, noticing how every one is living their lives each day. I've been thinking a lot about this, feeling most of the time that my writing is not worth....no! comparing myself with others who put in words their feelings in such a gentle, gorgeous, beautiful, inspiring way. Because of this silliness, I've been staying away from here, trying to live in the moment. Unfortunately for me, my mind is not 'connected' like that and eventhough i'm focussing on all the good things happening in my life, within me there is this sense of not knowing...in this stage, anything about myself! :-) heehee...:-)

I've been keeping myself busy with things I've moved past years ago...just for the connection. I've been practising being assertive, which is good, but on things I don't really care about. I've been pondering and wondering what am I going to do to sustain my own growth and development. M3 and I've been discussing and talking endlessly about going back to the UK or just staying here where we are. We've been going backwards and forwards, not moving at all. And I've been eating. :-) and watching the wind move through the trees, trying to stay balanced and here.

Coming back to this place...I always wonder when people write how they are 'thinking' of exiting blogland, why don't they just do it. Why write about it? Why don't we just press delete and get on with our lives? I've been wondering a lot lately about friendships and connection. Of the beauty of these words. The inspiration they give without knowing. I've been thinking how her journey woke up all the feelings I thought I dealt with a little bit over a year ago. I've been thinking of how silly and crazy and gorgeous she is, and how I would love to be just like her when I grow up! I've been thinking about Mccabe who's writing gave me the permission to just be who I am without judgement. I've been dreaming of writing like her and her . One day I want to be a photographer like her. And I want to be as soft and gentle to myself as this friend. I want to live with abundance as her poetry awakens my heart where it wants to burst with joy! I dream to be as strong and confidant as Swirly. She makes me want to be brave. Oh! And I want to be as soft and elegant and open like her. And through all this wanting to be, I forget who I am. (feel as if I have written about this in the past)! I can go on and on writing about each one of you...

So I would think instead of wanting to be, let me write who I am:

I'm a mommy! (the most amazing and exilarating and dreamy feeling you can feel).

but i'm still me - Linni. And this is where the empty space comes in...because eventhough a dream is coming true and this is all so amazing and happy! and scary! and wow! I still need to fill me up and I'm just lost! I've been trying so hard to live in the moment and be greatful for everything...knowing that in life happiness and sadness goes together. The one is not the one without the other. sigh* If I knew what I felt, I could have written pages...but I don't.

What I do know...

Is that I love watching the wind moving through the big, old trees outside my parents house...

I love feeling the sun on my arms and face!

I love that little cutie pie in the morning nestling on top of me with his face on mine...saying mama with a smile...or a cry!

I love the way he cries after his daddy in the morning (love that!)

I love how M3 phones to hear how our son is doing...

I adore how the two of them play in the bath!

I love jumping in the car, driving 4 minutes and being able to visit my friends.

I don't necessarily like living with 5 cats. (we are staying with my brother and his wife in their house...5 cats!)

but I love hearing all the footsteps on the old wooden floors...my brother hoo-hooing like an owl in the morning to say hello to Kellen...

I love to see how E has grown into a woman - trying to love herself without judgement.

I love watching the sisterhood between E and U, growing as they get to spend so much time together.

I love drinking tea admiring my mom's garden outside.

I love love love to go out into the garden to pick Inca Lilies for the house...

I miss talking for hours with M3 at night. (a bit tired..so we tend to sleep! teehee!)

I miss talking to you and you and you...

being in South Africa makes me feel thousands of kilometres further away from you...

'Happiness (gratitude) is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony. (Thomas Merton)

I've been trying to find the balance in my new life...to dance to the rhythm of my heart. I think I miss the connection I had with all of you. Everyone of you and you and you...yes you! makes a difference in my life...you touch my heart in ways it has not been touched...you awake and stir things in my that I love being stirred...and I miss you! xx

one thing you HAVE to DO*

a feature film featuring YOU!

look at 17 things Amy did.....

and do the eighteenth thing with her!

I've been*

* nourishing in the love that is a little boy
* counting my blessings
* loving my sweet husband
* spending time with friends
* organised a teambuild (photo above)
* thought about my career - being inspired by this gorgeous woman
* receiving emails and parcels from this beauty
* imagining life back here in South Africa
* missing our home
* looking forward to going back
* being brave

How have life been treating you?

something beautiful*

Photo by gorgeous Bohogirl

Last night i had a conversation with someone beautiful

who reminded me of something beautiful.

She is my heart-to-heart.

She reminds me of women understanding your every need,

of talking without explaining,
of listening,

she taught me about not giving my power away,

of putting the 'me' in my life first.

She is my gorgeous friend.

The something beautiful of all this

is that she is someone beautiful

a radiant beam of love.

She is my gorgeous friend.

She has a softness surrounding her
through which you can lightly touch her wings.
She is softly spoken as well

but if you listen closely,

you can hear her thumbing heartbeat

for every breath of life.

She is my gorgeous friend.

Her heart sings beautiful songs to this world.

She is gentle and brave.

She create love and miracles wherever she goes.

She is tender and divine.
She touches the spirits of all those around her.

She is my gorgeous friend.

She is a sublime photographer of something beautiful

a rainbow of light.

She glows from the inside out.

She is someone beautiful!