sweet saturday*

i woke up with sunshine streaming in from behind the curtains...a cup of tea next to my bed...i closed my eyes for a little while longer, when i heard our little man come running in with a 'this is for you mama, i love you mama' . He gave me a little pink flower that he picked from the garden. A few minutes later M3 come in with french toast...and a little munchin who tells me I'm done 'doedoes'.

today was a sweet day to soak in love...

it was a day to play in the dirt in the garden...

it was a day to play silly games...

to love...

to giggle...

later during the day the wind blew in the clouds...

which made it a good day to look for pictures in the clouds...

it was a day for listening to the raindrops on the roof...

it was a day to look at the birds bathing in the water puddles...

to do some more loving.

today was a sweet day.

my heart is overflowing,

all because of this cutie pie, his daddy

and the sweet sweet saturday.

hope your day was full of sweetness too xx

don't look away*

Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.

There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking

so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

I've been looking away from myself, trying to be that person everybody wants me to be.

I've been trying to be everyone's friend and a good business woman in the same breath.

I've tried to be objective despite my own opinion, not listening to my gut feeling.

I've been harsh and patient.

I've been open and quiet.

I've listened, guided, became overly excited to show them the road, forgetting that it is not for me to show.

I've stepped back.

I've stepped forward.

I've stopped.

Big things happened in between all of these, but still I did not stop to listen.

On Monday morning someone took a big bite out of me.

('the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you - Zig Ziglar)

And another. I was dumbstruck. I stepped back, (again), listened, made eye contact all the way through, came home and cried. I comforted myself within the self-pity (so shy to admit!).

Then, through the anger I became empowered.

Empowered to not look away, but to look deep within.

Empowered to not get angry, but to ask myself what is the lesson to learn.

Empowered to stand.

To be proud of who I am.

To open my heart

and my arms to the world.

To invite It in,

to call out and remind them

that I'm here for the taking.

Every inch of me.

This morning i decided to shine again.

To keep shining

and live life fully engaged!

* thank you to Christine for her very appropriate and wise words.

* thank you Maithri for always inspiring me and remind me that I am flying.

* thank you PixieDust for wishing for me.

* thank you Kateri for enlightening me with 'm a g i c a l' stories xx

10 things you didn't know...

about me...

1. Orange is my favorite color

2. when i look up, i see 'laugh, laugh, laugh'...then i giggle*

3. If I can choose... I would love to have 10 children one day! :-)

4. I'm easily inspired

5. In our family, I'm the emotional one...my brother calls me 'Emo'

6. These days I have a very 'I don't care' attitude (which is weird)

7. I never wore bright colors, because my dad didn't like it. The last 6 years I only wear red, orange, green, yellow, white and blue colors...

8. I love connection

9. When I'm scared, I get paralyzed and don't do anything

10. Since I'm cooking 'with love', my dinners taste delicious! Teehee xx

my rockstar*

my own little rockstar*

breathing out*

"Ego takes everything personally. Emotion arises, defensiveness, perhaps eve aggression.

Are we defending the Truth? No, the truth in any case needs no defence.

You are defending yourself or rather the illusion of yourself.

Light travels faster than sound - that is a fact.

The light or sound does not care about what you or anybody else thinks.

A New Earth - Echard Tolle

My best friend phones me every time when she at the airport, on her way somewhere. Yesterday she phoned to say she is flying to San Francisco for 2 weeks, one week to attend Burning Man and the other to just walk around this beautiful city.

I've been right smack down in the middle of my business, which is struggling. I get all caught up in all the business aspects, forgetting that life is sooo much more. This phone call opened me up, reminded me that there is a world out there, a world and life worth living! Your job, your business - that which you think is the centre of your 'life' does not matter at all in the big circle of life.

So, anyone joining me? We're jumping out into life! xx

i have to believe*

Sometimes our lives contract before they expand. We may be working hard on
ourselves spiritually, doing good in the world, following our dreams, and
wondering why we are still facing constrictions of all kinds—financial,
emotional, physical. Perhaps we even feel as if we’ve lost our spirituality
and are stuck in a dark room with no windows. We may be confused and
discouraged by what appears to be a lack of progress. But sometimes this is
the way things work. Like a caterpillar that confines itself to a tiny
cocoon before it grows wings and flies, we are experiencing the darkness
before the dawn.

When things feel tight, it’s easy to panic or want to act in some way to
ease the feeling of constriction. We might also spin our wheels mentally,
trying to understand why things are the way they are. However, there is
nothing we need to do at this time other than to be patient and
persevering. We can cling to the awareness that we are processing the shift
from one stage to another, and the more we surrender to the experience, the
more quickly we will move through the tightness into the opening on th
other side. Just like a baby making its way down the birth canal, we may
feel squeezed and pushed and very uncomfortable, but if we remember that we
are on our way to being born into a new reality, we will find the strength
to carry on.

Even as we endure the contractions, we can find peace within ourselves if
we remember to trust the universe. We can look to the natural world for
inspiration as we see that all beings surrender to the process of being
born. In that surrender, and in the center of our own hearts, is a
willingness to trust in the unknown as we make our way through the opening.

10 things i love sunday*

1o things i love on this beautiful sunday...

1. pj's...all day long!

2. M3 coming home tonight...i miss him

3. watching dvd's all morning long...(we rarely watch tv)

4. having tea and Marie biscuits for breakfast

5. friends...my magical and beautiful blogging friends...i feel loved!

6. silence...just the birds singing outside...i hear possibilities

7. the click-clack of our datchhund's toe nails on the wooden floors...as he just checks that we are still here...teehee

8. photos... memories.... love...

9. sunshine! Love.it.!

10. the word 'mama'... he is my little lovebomb!

PS: on a sidenote...just thinking about Kellen and my mom... the 22nd of August will always be one of the most special days to me.

it's the day a little boy jumped right into our hearts! Last week Saturday, Kellen has been with us for a year...it's also the day

we let my mom's spirit free in Kirstenbosch Botanical Gardens...

spirit*

My mama....xx

life is sweet*

weekend routine...

*  wake up at 8am with a 'morning mama...klaar gedoedoes' (finish sleeping) 

*  kissing me until I get up to make porrigde...both of them...teehee

*  opening the curtains...sun streaming in....Africa! :-) 

*  hiding under the duvet, telling stories in our 'tent'

*  Then he will jump up, grab the brush and say 'dance'...which means... music! 

*  Then all 3 of us get up on the bed, 'mikes' in hand and sing and dance to the music! 

 

life is sweet...

what sweetness do you have in your life? 

let's travel*

Istanbul! I'll go to Istanbul. 

Where would you go? 

love thursday*

on this beautiful, rainy love thursday* i love...

*  clear blue skies

*  open roads

*  wind pumps

*  the Karoo

*  clear skies filled with stars 

*  the 'nothingness' of everything

*  dirt roads

*  music

*  Steers

*  spring time

*  frost

*  possibilities

*  love

*  thursdays

*  love thursdays* (teehee!) 

a full circle moment*

At this precise moment, with Kellen running ahead of us, stopping, looking around, laughing, calling 'come mama, come papa'... I looked over to M3, my heart exploding with joy and realized, this here, right now is a full circle moment for me! 

About 11 years ago, M3 and myself went away for a weekend. We were engaged at that stage and we stayed in Simons' Town for the weekend, playing golf and having delicious meals in town, being young and silly! :-) 

During our stay there we went to Boulder's Beach to look at the penguins.  Being oh! so very much in love with this man, we dreamed together of 'one day' when we have children to come show them the penguins, laughing and talking about what their reactions were going to be, not knowing at that stage that we were going to wait 9 years for our little boy.  

During the long wait, you forget about all the dreams that you had for your little ones.  You pray and hope, but never dare to dream about the dreams of when they are there. It hurts too much. 

Giggle* at this stage we had to protect the penguin, cause Kellen held his hand out and said: 'Come Penguin, bite me'  He (the penguin) just duck down and ran! 

Having a little boy, so full of heart and life! is the most amazing feeling, the most amazing experience I have ever had.  Hearing him laughing, calling me 'mama', realising that I've dreamed of this precise moment before, truly makes my heart go round and round.  

When last have you had a full circle moment? Cause they come in moments...that moment when you think...'aahhh...but i've been here...i know this feeling?' Do you dare to dream? 

“Ummon addressed the assembly and said, “I am not asking you about the days before the 15^th of the month.  But what about after the 15^th? Come and give me a word about those days.”  And he himself gave the answer for them:  “Every day is a good day.” – Blue Cliff Record, case 6 (from Momma Zen, Karen Maezen Miller). 

Every day is a good day!

whispers*

The past few weeks I've been thinking often about our life...my life...and the life of our son.  It has been busy, crazy busy.  A year ago I was thinking about what to do with my life, where am I going to, I had so much time on my hands.  Today, I won't change places with anybody in the world - I want to be right here, in my bed, beside my amazing husband...:-) giggle*...waking up with our little boy in between us! giggle* (I can just hear the advice/disapprovement of some.... smiling eyes*) 

I've been thinking and reading often about Rebekah's journey to becoming the mommy of Ty...and Denise's journey to her son Cedar...thinking about tiny, little babies...how different their journey must be compared to mine who became a mommy of an 'instant' 18 month old...whom is now 29 month's old. In a little bit over a month, Kellen will be living with us for a year...the thoughts and feelings around this benchmark is enormous, and even though it feels so enormously big, it is 

just ..

pure 

honest

wordless

love.  

Heart -to-heart,

connected, 

no words, 

too many thoughts.

just,

pure 

honest 

love.

This last week things have changed...Kellen is much more cuddly and snuggles up to me all the time.  When it is bedtime, he wants me to stay with him to cuddle...to whisper 'I love you's where as the past few months he fell  asleep on his own...he started brushing my cheek with his...and will stare into my eyes with such love...it feels as if he totally gets what I'm feeling.  He has this new thing - 'mama - hou maag vas' which means 'mama, put your arm around my tummy, hold me'. Sometimes he will lie facing me, placing his hands on my cheeks, brushing up and down...smiling at me...falling asleep....opening his eyes quickly..just to make sure he is still looking into my eyes'..teehee...i adore this little boy...

Maybe it is because nothing else matters.  When he looks into my eyes, the world can come to an end, he is all that matters at that precise moment.  'Living in the moment' has new meaning to me...Kellen is currently sleeping next to me in the bed.  We had dinner with my brother and sister-in-law and he wanted to fall asleep in our bed...in this moment it is the best place on earth. Right here, nestled underneath his mommy's wing...legs right against mine...cheek against my arm...his warm breath flowing into my heart with every breath...

Thinking of Denise now who wrote about mushy mommy brain when you get a baby...it happens when you get any age baby...I have random thoughts, all pure love for this little man who is right now moving over to his daddy, cuddling with him..it is only love. Looking at M3, the love he has for our little boy...M A G I C A L ! 

I believe in magic...

and angels...

HOPE is everywhere...

in our hearts...  

In the miracle that is he.

He has a way that he pouts his mouth when he sleeps...

no words...

just 

this overwhelming 

feeling 

of 

pure

love xx

best shot monday*

Tea...cupcakes...pearls...feathers....ties....giggles....

best shot monday*

Life is messy, but oh! so good! 

wished upon a star*

dreams do come true...

what have you wished for lately? xx

every day is 'father's day' here*

What is a daddy? 

What does daddy's do? 

Why do we have a daddy? 

Do they love us? 

Why? 

This photo was taken right after Kellen was signed over to us in court. We went to the flat to have some 'Kentucky'.  When we walked in, Kellen ran over to M3 to share his lollypop with him.  Here Marcel shared a piece of his heart with Kellen listening to every single word his daddy is telling him...the only daddy he has ever known. I love the intensity in Kellen's eyes and mouth...I asked Marcel afterwards what he told Kellen on which he said 'i told him that dreams come true!' On which Kellen replied: 'Yes, i know..but can we get back to the lollie!'

 

M3 just got off the plane from the UK this specific August morning.  It's the second time he saw Kellen, the first was when he met us.  Marcel laid down to sleep and Kellen went to snuggle up to him, not yet ready to share a blanket, but right there beside his daddy...heart to heart. 

L.O.V.E  pure, honest, from the heart loving...

One Saturday i went out with some friends and Kellen stayed home with his daddy.  I came home to a very happy little boy who was potty training and drawing!! How amazing! The daddy? He was there..soooo laidback, calm, relaxed, drawing...he said he thought Kellen should try new ways of drawing...teehee. 

Today, on this very first 'father's day' we painted. Daddy was the 'painting'...teehee...we stayed in our pj's the whole day, ate whatever we felt like and daddy watched cricket...while painting..and playing and loving his son.  It's moments like these in the photo, that I treasure...the overflowing love for his son is within his closed eyes...the soft kiss on his ear...in every little and big way he interacts with his son. He is such an amazing daddy. 

I have to quote Rebekah on this..

The best part, hands down, of being a mom...is watching Marcel be a dad.

all heart*

About a year ago my brother went to show us where he is going to open his business.  It was this huge open space, kind of a store, and we walked in with imaginations of how it is going to look.  He is living his dream today...

While we were walking from the one side of this big empty space, to the other side, I saw this very delicate spiderweb hanging from a beam..and right at the bottom it was shaped like a little heart. 

I took this photo over a year and half ago...and tonight, my life feels like this.  In a good way.  

This past year...

1. we lived in a different country for 2 years....interesting = preparation
2. within a week, without being on a waiting list, accepting our 'fate' as to not being able to have children, somebody phoned us on the Monday, the next Monday they met us and on the Tuesday they signed the most adorable little boy over to us....unreal
3. we came back to our birth country to fetch our son and decided to stay, not even going back to get our belongings..we did everything over the phone....fantastic! 
4. we were first time parents....crazy! 
5. we lived with family for 8 months....super crazy but fabulous! 
6. we moved back into our house that we rented out for 2 years...absolute perfection
7. I went back to my own business....drama
8. went through a crazy time now with the poor economy and our business, that I thought was in trouble, is just going through a difficult period....realisation
9. I had to protect myself...with lawyers....terrible...unreal!
10. learning in depth what 'emotional intelligence' means...scary :-) 
11. learning so much about myself....head on...so hard!  
12. through all this,  there is this cute little boy who calls me mama...and my heart crumbles and nothing else matters...
13. the 3 of us...inseparable
14. life happens - gratitude and absolute amazement! 

These last few weeks were so hard...I told my husband 4 nights ago I don't feel equipped to manage a business going through a difficult time.  It feels as if the staff are blaming me (and I just started working again on the 1st of June)...he just laughed and said but you have been doing it for 4 years before we left for the UK...

Looking at the photo...teehee...just had an interesting conversation with my husband about it...it feels as if i've been 'stretched thinly'...teehee...then he said what he sees is that our happiness depends on me being thinly stretched....(maybe i need to make time to breath)...but no, that is not it at all. 

Looking at the photo: 

at the top is life with all it aspects...

then it is the thin line...which represents that my heart and soul are very delicate right now, having to do and say and protect myself and my business from a financial point of view...and i'm so not the money person! :-) but i'm chancing that...'i love money. money is important.  i have to pay myself first. everything comes to me easily and comfortably. Mantras...yummy! Calming me down in an instant! :-) 

then you see the BIG full beautiful, gorgeous amazing heart at the bottom...which represents to me the 3 of us...in this moment...with all the other things strung on the thin long line, life is absolute perfection.  My love for my husband and our little boy stretched way beyond any thing possible to describe....so big and wide and open and literally is my life. Us are my life. Love is my mantra. Everything else is just extras.  

The other night I came across this passage which sums up life for me...thinking in terms of my family, being a mommy, a wife, a business woman...and all the other things as well...love is all there is. 

When you work with love you draw others to you. Embrace this truth.  The reason for this is that love is the highest vibration on earth.  When you work with love people feel it, are helped by it and return to it. It’s a positive vibration that draws people naturally into its sphere.  Those who love what they do reveal that love through their work, and others are drawn towards their energy.  Because love is so attractive, it pulls to you what you need.   Just let your honesty and integrity shine and be a blessing.- Nick Williams -

Love is life xx

What sentence describes life for you? 

Wreck this journal*

Wreck this Journal play-along

I'm listening to the rain dancing on the roof...

coming here to get my weekly dash of inspiration from all your beautiful souls out there...

dancing with life. 

By accident I stumbled upon Jamie's blog and I have the book she is going to discuss...yay! I've decided to join them in the wrecking of their journals...heehee....it is actually quite fun! Especially if you love books! 

As you can see from the photo...I've started....my book smell of Marmite...heehee...and I'm washing off my own beliefs of what if's and how and where and why not? I'm wrecking this in a good way, including real life as I'm experiencing major challenges and dreams coming true at this very minute. Join us! Play along! Heehee! :-) 

* to add...i left my book out in the rain...heehee...my husband came running in saying our son left his books outside....the book is still wet...i'm trying to (with so much love!) dry the pages in front of the heater...i pick the book up..and feel as if i want to put the book close to my heart...and comfort it....having permission to 'wreck' this journal is quite liberating xx

a blessed life*

His favourite little red shoes...these are his

going-to-the-church-shoes,

to his dancing-on-the-table-shoes.

Giggling and playing around

before church

Kellen and his very proud daddy!


Yes, you may. Teehee x

The entrance welcoming all the grandparents...

written with lipstick on the mirror...

Kellen loved doing this!

My family...from left to right..

Marcel, me, Kellen, my mom, brother at the back,

sister-in-law in the front and my dad

Love live in our house...

Yesterday was Kellen's Christening. This beautiful day was filled with emotions...

9 years of waiting...accepting this little boy as a gift from God...

families coming together...blessed to be healthy and happy!

but also a day of sadness...it was the first time that Kellen's granddad, who raised and looked after him for 18 months joined us...Kellen was overjoyed! He was laughing and giggling and running to his 'oupa' (granddad) all the time...he is part of our family. He said that one little boy can bring together so many people in one house...'that is a happy home'...his eyes tearing up....

a day balanced in the love of God.

I feel full...to the ends of the world...my heart is overflowing...living in the moment...

full heart. xx