strings of thought*

Free.

I've been climbing rocks...

facing fears...

excelling above my own expectations...

(but knowing my heart I can do it)

I've been visiting my sister...

my memories...

my heart...

I've been playing with K...

I've been living.

It's over.

When I was 7 years old we went to Heroldsbay

with my grandma and grandpa.

It was the first time we were allowed to go alone to the

beach with the neighbours. I remember sitting in the little waves,

as it was pulling back, my legs were covered in 'bloublasies'.

I cried all the way home. My grandma put me in a bath with vinegar,

I put on my new pajamas that i got for xmas,

and was extra spoiled the rest of the day.

I felt special.

How many times have I used 'bloublasies' to

just hear 'i am loved'?

I wonder how many times

Life is shiny! Open! Life is gorgeous!

You just have to look!

Every morning I would open the curtains,

go out on the deck and just stand there,

admiring the beauty right in front of me.

Gratefulness...thoughts coming to my mind...

gratefulness...

Peaceful...

I feel peaceful...

I am unique.

While walking on the beach today

I passed this big rock covered in sand.

On top, right in the middle, on a bed of soft sand

laid one little rock.

I heard the rock saying

you are unique.

you matter.

you are perfect.

Hiding.

I realised I've been hiding behind

the pain of stuttering, of insecurities,

I've been hiding behind the pain of infertility,

of wishing and hoping and wishing more!

I've been hiding behind the

thorns of anger, and sadness,

of feeling scared...but always hoping.

I've been hiding behind 'not knowing',

not knowing where I'm going,

not knowing who I am,

not knowing what I want.

I've also been hiding from living.

Calmness surrounds me...

my own insecurities lurking in the background.

Luckily for me i have friends who

give me clarity,

who reminds me that i am loved.

I see things clearly now.

It feels as if I've done some

letting go this week...

of insecurities, uncertainties.

I see friends connect and giggle,

and I release myself into the universe.

for that same connections,

for that same love.

I 've decided to :

take myself lightly,

to laugh at myself,

to giggle more,

to listen more,

to trust my intuition.

To trust myself,

that I am enough.

*i'm breathing out...as all this is new to me...teehee xx

little angels*

I am so cute

I love myself.

Fully.

I am cute.

and adorable!

I am capable

and creative.

I am open.

Soft, & gentle.

I am love.

Having such a great time with my sister and her family. The cousins are having the 'war of the roses'...fighting...loving...crying the one minute and loving until the end the next minute. They are so cute...and so funny...

I'm so proud of my sister...I'll do a seperate post on her...she is great!

I love her so much!

But...

I just wanted to say:

I am love. You are love. You are loved.

I am open. You are open. Open wide.

I am soft. You are soft...and gentle...yes, you are.

Sweet dreams xx

life*

The two men in my life!

I've been trying to upload some other photos as well, but the universe is telling me to just be grateful...for these two gorgeous men! for the gale force winds blowing outside, which makes me feel just a little bit uncomfortable flying to my sister tomorrow. I have not seen her in the last 17 months. Their son, Morgan, just turned 2 years old (who is also my godson) and he and Kellen has not met either! I feel like I'm meeting all of you tomorrow!

I'll leave you with this beautiful photo (see - I'm totally smitten! :0-) I have 12 other photos that I would love to share with you...of what we've been doing here every day...but for now...just adore this little boy and his daddy! He is the most amazing daddy...the other night my brother hugged me and told Kellen 'mine' to see what his reaction would be. Then M3 came in and did the same, on which Kellen took both of us around our heads, pulling us towards him, saying 'mine'! with a huge smile!!! I don't think you can feel more loved and adored in life than through the love of little children!

Life is good.

for today...

hug someone

hold someones hand

say: 'i'm a lucky lady'

tell someone how much you love them

Life is good. xx

Love is a poet*

At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet.

Plato

It's a funny place where I am at.

Where is that? you ask.

I wish I knew.

In this book by Dr. John F Demartini says that if you can be grateful for every thing in your life, you will be happy. A teacher told him: 'If there is a day in your life that you cannot be grateful for, it's wise to go back and look at that day from a different perspective, with different eyes until you see its purpose with a feeling of gratitude. Otherwise, you will carry that day into tomorrow. You will never be able to be fully present tomorrow because you will still be stuck in that day'.

He goes on to say you should take every single memorie/day you haven't been grateful for and ask, 'how did it serve me and others?' Everything you cannot be grateful for, becomes baggage. (ouch!) The more ingratitude people accumulate in their life, the more they are stuck in the past, and that, in turn, creates fears of the future and guilt of the past and prevents them from being inspired and present.

Go back through your life and write thank you notes to everyone involved, and that includes you.
Start a gratitude journal.

If you read my previous post, you would know that I'm a bit lost inbetween...myself?:-) I am grateful for every day and every little tiny detail happening in my life...but still it is not enough. I want more.

Coming back to what Dr. Demartini wrote - what do you think? Are we grateful for every tiny detail, not grateful enough to move past it? Or am I selfish to want more from this life?

Saying that, I'm thinking but go out and get it! Do it! Take that one tiny step to what you want and just do it! Stop talking and thinking, and do it!

I have to create what I want?

What would that little step be for me?

:-) Do something that is something.

I am listening to the Parlotones' 'Interlude' and the song starts with 'the impossible is born'....

When we got the call asking us if we would be interested to adopt the cutest little boy ever!, this was the first song I heard in the car on the way to work. 'THE IMPOSSIBLE IS BORN'

How have we not long for this call! This moment that our dream of 8 years would be that one little step closer...and the impossible is born....I think it is the same with any dream...take that one little step...and the impossible is born - the possiblity that your dream can/will come true...

Just writing all this opens my heart and I feel so exctremely grateful and in awe. In awe of this beautiful little boy, that God chose us! That is even more miraculous...it was an answer on my prayer...I remember telling M3 that even if this adoption does not work out in our favor, I will still be grateful, because with God choosing us first for this little boy, I felt relieve that there is nothing wrong with us, that we are good enough to be parents. (Whenever in the ups and downs of infertility - you question God, wanting to know if there is something wrong with you that you cannot have children...) the relieve came through the thought that we are the chosen ones for him...

This post is filled with many thoughts...and there are lots where this came from, but for today I'm satisfied. (is that the word?) Satisfied? frowning...yes, for today I'm satisfied...

that I am here.
I am exactly where I need to be.
the impossible is born...not knowing where i am...
or going...
but then again...i don't need to be anywhere else,
than exactly right here, on this page, in this moment.

sigh* gratefulness....i don't need much to be filled up!

So, today I want to ask you:

Have you taken that one little step?

be brave...cause that one little step....make the impossible being born!

I promise. xx

gratitude*

The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing

called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it,

you will discover that for you the world is transformed.

- J. Krishnamurti

I've been wanting to write about what is going on in my heart for some time now. I've been reading and catching up with all of you...glowing in the beauty of dreams coming true, noticing how every one is living their lives each day. I've been thinking a lot about this, feeling most of the time that my writing is not worth....no! comparing myself with others who put in words their feelings in such a gentle, gorgeous, beautiful, inspiring way. Because of this silliness, I've been staying away from here, trying to live in the moment. Unfortunately for me, my mind is not 'connected' like that and eventhough i'm focussing on all the good things happening in my life, within me there is this sense of not knowing...in this stage, anything about myself! :-) heehee...:-)

I've been keeping myself busy with things I've moved past years ago...just for the connection. I've been practising being assertive, which is good, but on things I don't really care about. I've been pondering and wondering what am I going to do to sustain my own growth and development. M3 and I've been discussing and talking endlessly about going back to the UK or just staying here where we are. We've been going backwards and forwards, not moving at all. And I've been eating. :-) and watching the wind move through the trees, trying to stay balanced and here.

Coming back to this place...I always wonder when people write how they are 'thinking' of exiting blogland, why don't they just do it. Why write about it? Why don't we just press delete and get on with our lives? I've been wondering a lot lately about friendships and connection. Of the beauty of these words. The inspiration they give without knowing. I've been thinking how her journey woke up all the feelings I thought I dealt with a little bit over a year ago. I've been thinking of how silly and crazy and gorgeous she is, and how I would love to be just like her when I grow up! I've been thinking about Mccabe who's writing gave me the permission to just be who I am without judgement. I've been dreaming of writing like her and her . One day I want to be a photographer like her. And I want to be as soft and gentle to myself as this friend. I want to live with abundance as her poetry awakens my heart where it wants to burst with joy! I dream to be as strong and confidant as Swirly. She makes me want to be brave. Oh! And I want to be as soft and elegant and open like her. And through all this wanting to be, I forget who I am. (feel as if I have written about this in the past)! I can go on and on writing about each one of you...

So I would think instead of wanting to be, let me write who I am:

I'm a mommy! (the most amazing and exilarating and dreamy feeling you can feel).

but i'm still me - Linni. And this is where the empty space comes in...because eventhough a dream is coming true and this is all so amazing and happy! and scary! and wow! I still need to fill me up and I'm just lost! I've been trying so hard to live in the moment and be greatful for everything...knowing that in life happiness and sadness goes together. The one is not the one without the other. sigh* If I knew what I felt, I could have written pages...but I don't.

What I do know...

Is that I love watching the wind moving through the big, old trees outside my parents house...

I love feeling the sun on my arms and face!

I love that little cutie pie in the morning nestling on top of me with his face on mine...saying mama with a smile...or a cry!

I love the way he cries after his daddy in the morning (love that!)

I love how M3 phones to hear how our son is doing...

I adore how the two of them play in the bath!

I love jumping in the car, driving 4 minutes and being able to visit my friends.

I don't necessarily like living with 5 cats. (we are staying with my brother and his wife in their house...5 cats!)

but I love hearing all the footsteps on the old wooden floors...my brother hoo-hooing like an owl in the morning to say hello to Kellen...

I love to see how E has grown into a woman - trying to love herself without judgement.

I love watching the sisterhood between E and U, growing as they get to spend so much time together.

I love drinking tea admiring my mom's garden outside.

I love love love to go out into the garden to pick Inca Lilies for the house...

I miss talking for hours with M3 at night. (a bit tired..so we tend to sleep! teehee!)

I miss talking to you and you and you...

being in South Africa makes me feel thousands of kilometres further away from you...

'Happiness (gratitude) is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony. (Thomas Merton)

I've been trying to find the balance in my new life...to dance to the rhythm of my heart. I think I miss the connection I had with all of you. Everyone of you and you and you...yes you! makes a difference in my life...you touch my heart in ways it has not been touched...you awake and stir things in my that I love being stirred...and I miss you! xx

one thing you HAVE to DO*

a feature film featuring YOU!

look at 17 things Amy did.....

and do the eighteenth thing with her!

I've been*

* nourishing in the love that is a little boy
* counting my blessings
* loving my sweet husband
* spending time with friends
* organised a teambuild (photo above)
* thought about my career - being inspired by this gorgeous woman
* receiving emails and parcels from this beauty
* imagining life back here in South Africa
* missing our home
* looking forward to going back
* being brave

How have life been treating you?

something beautiful*

Photo by gorgeous Bohogirl

Last night i had a conversation with someone beautiful

who reminded me of something beautiful.

She is my heart-to-heart.

She reminds me of women understanding your every need,

of talking without explaining,
of listening,

she taught me about not giving my power away,

of putting the 'me' in my life first.

She is my gorgeous friend.

The something beautiful of all this

is that she is someone beautiful

a radiant beam of love.

She is my gorgeous friend.

She has a softness surrounding her
through which you can lightly touch her wings.
She is softly spoken as well

but if you listen closely,

you can hear her thumbing heartbeat

for every breath of life.

She is my gorgeous friend.

Her heart sings beautiful songs to this world.

She is gentle and brave.

She create love and miracles wherever she goes.

She is tender and divine.
She touches the spirits of all those around her.

She is my gorgeous friend.

She is a sublime photographer of something beautiful

a rainbow of light.

She glows from the inside out.

She is someone beautiful!

10 words*

1. be gentle

2. love deeply

3. be brave

4. listen

5. inspire

6. create

7. you are free

8. dream big

9. be present

10. open your heart

Which one touches to you today?

second chance*

We all have big changes in our lives that are more or less a second chance.

(Harrison Ford)

Watching how Kellen falls asleep at night is the highlight of my day. Not because he is going to sleep (heehee! that too!) but the way he falls asleep...the little things he do...first he will jump on the bed out of excitement! (yes, that is all it is...total excitement! heehee...i know)

We lay down, to take off his pajama pants and his slippers.

He choose a story book...at this time still the same story every night...I feel like Otto the dog (the story's main character).

After reading the same page where the phone goes 'trieng-trieng' he put the book aside.

Time to give a sip of milk and a kiss and a hug to Lion, Donkey, Dog and Giraffe - after which they get 'thrown' aside.

Laying down...time for M3 and I to sing Barney (our newest friend on the block! M3 is singing all the songs around the house)...I love you...

Kellen takes our head and put it together so that we kiss each other, and on the following verse he will push his head between ours so that we can kiss him on his cheeks at the exact same moment. (so special!)

Now it is time to tickle his legs and his cheeks...and his hand...depending on where he want to be touched...I treasure this time...

Nearly asleep he will take his blanket, fold it against his tummy...and just before he fall asleep, his lips moves as if sucking on a bottle...(I adore this!)

He will open his chest and put his hands next to his head, with his little hands open facing upwards...and then it is off to dreamland!

Watching him tonight, I realised how lucky we are. His birthmom phoned again last night, which leave an unsettling feeling in my tummy. Although she don't have any maternal rights any more, it does not change that she wants to be involved.

With all of this in mind, I was wondering how and how much and when and if....through it all trusting God. Last night I thought that He actually went and gave us the most beautiful little boy there is on earth to adopt - how lucky are we.

It feels like a second chance. Our first chance was to try for ourselves. This time round there is a little big boy who is learning so many new things every waking moment. This little boy adores his daddy! (I LOVE it when he looks and plays with M3 - the way he looks at him...and smiles at him...my heart crumbles!)

We (I) get swept away by the amazing and overpowering feelings of love for this little boy. Life feels as if he was with us from his birth...as if this is how our lives have been the past 20 months....until his birthmom phone...which brings me back to reality in a second...and I realise/think/feel...we are so lucky to have been chosen to raise this gorgeous little boy.

This is our big chance. xx

inspired by Ali*

We've been going for walks...everywhere!


getting to know Mr. Rabbit a bit more personal

admiring beauty all around us

Being brave...

Untangeling this new life we have...

loving every single minute!

Hanging around ...

We (I)'ve been trying to be creative :-)

getting to know this little man,

be brave! be wild!

trying to be who I was and who I'm now...

trying to be free (in all aspects) all at once...

Realising one baby step at a time...

remembering to look down and enjoy that

one little step!

You are invited to join here...

lucky lady*

Life's been weird. Normal.

Exciting. Scary. Unreal. Real. Warm. Cold. Certain. Uncertain. Normal.

I've been somewhere, back to where I was, got intertwined by the past and the present?

No, got intertwined by my needs of the past and the past. Got lost between who I was when we left, who I wanted to be and in the process forgot who I am.

So here I am. Back to normality. Breathing easy. Feeling very greatful for:

1. health

2. M3

3. a dirty little face

4. inspiring beauties

5. awareness

6. sunshine!

I've missed blogging, reading about your day/life and being back makes me feel:

....loved! Connected! Understood! Inspired! Excited! Soft! Happy!

I miss you.

I want to end off with a text a friend sent me one day while we were packing our furniture to go into storage...

'just keep repeating: i'm one lucky lady'!

I am indeed one lucky lady! xx

dreams*

I got up this morning

with tears behind my eyes

an overwhelming feeling

of loss in my throat.

Yesterday

I read about the grit on

one's journey to your dreams -

I guess it reminded me of mine.

for 10 years

I had a dream.

I nurtured it

colored it in brightly

stayed up hours imagining it

talked about it

wrote about it

made plans

prayed for it to come true.

for 10 years

everything in me

wanted this dream.

Then,

6 years ago

it happened.

i opened my own business.

i remember being so scared.

when i got the first phone call

i felt 14 years old, back in highschool again,

but

we pushed through

i worked 18 hour days

today

it is a striving business

with fabulous staff.

when we moved to the UK ,

I became a silent partner.

no contact.

no information.

no phone calls.

had no input.

i tried to stay 'connected', but my partner closed herself and the school to me.

i had to let go....

being back in SA with 'my dream' just around the corner,

dashing in and out, remembering all the hard work,

the friendships,

the 'connections'

the dream being reached

is hard.

it breaks my heart.

today

i want to cry

of things achieved and lost

of things that i have to let go of

to move on

i want to cry

not of failure,

but for

lost friendships

for

wanting to hold on

knowing it's time to

let go.

'i thought i could change

while everything else stayed the same.

i thought things and people

would someone magically change with me

but that does not make any sense,

now that i see things more clearly.'

It's time. xx

angels*

Lin... you're not using all of your angels.
What's up with that?
Use all of your angels. Run faster, jump higher, get more.
Call, ask, give thanks -
The Universe

yes, what's up with that?! xx

perfect timing*

Being spiritual means a good many things, Lin, and most of them are misunderstood by a good many people. So to clarify, here's how I see "it" and you:
Being spiritual means seeing yourself as divine, not just of the divine; a creator, not just the created. You needn't be saved, forgiven, or fixed. You've already changed the world, added to its brilliance, and done enough. You're there because in some long forgotten time, you already earned your wings.
Of course, there are still challenges. You wanted it this way. It's part of your nature and they'll serve to make you even greater. In spite of these, you are still a winner, you are among the relative few who have been so bold, and today is part of your victory lap.
Amen.
From a long time fan -
The Universe

When you enter any new stage in your life, whether it is a new job, partner, becoming a parent, you think what and how you must change, firstly to suite all the other people around your's view about yourself and your job, and then you wonder if that is what you really need to do.

Do I really need to change to please other people's opinions of who I should be?

This past weekend we visit family for the first time with our little boy...and the expectations of what and how and who you should be and should not were overwhelming! I told M3 that I'm so scared to 'make a mistake' and being slapped on the wrist by the family. They all have their opinions of how and what you should be, but in the end, only YOUR opinion about yourself matters.

Reading this note from the universe this morning, confirmed what I already know. I realised this past week, entering motherhood and wanting to be the best mother, knowing that being ME is the best mother I can be, I realised that this journey is part of self-love. Of loving all of me, whether other people agree or not. Loving the choices I make for him/us, knowing that that choice is the best for us.

The people does not matter.

It matters that YOU love the choices you make and more importantly, you love the life you have!

just love yourself - it's so much easier! xx

Update: Kellen loves his pappa. Friday evening when I put him to bed, he was playing and poking at my eyes, and dancing and cuddling and doing everything except sleeping. When I decided now it is really time and put him down, he started screaming. M3 walked in, said 'son, it is time for bed'. In the moment that the door opened and M3 spoke, he was laying down with the blanket over his face, acting as if he is sleeping. It was so funny. He is so funny. Tomorrow is M3's first birtday as a daddy...he is so excited!

He still sleeps through the night...from 8pm until 7...but this morning until 8! Blessing! :-)

Kellen only kisses me on my cheek when I act as if I sleep...he will stand in front of me, calls 'mamma' and if I don't respond, he will bend forward and kiss me :-) swoon! xx

it IS a kind of mAgIC*

It IS a kind of magic*

* he calls me 'mamma'
* he sleeps from 8pm to 7 am
* he has learn so many new things in just two days
* he laughs all the time (mostly :-)
* he let's me understand when he does not want something...with a BIG yell!
* he giggles when we play
* he is such an easy baby...

it's magic. it feels as if we've been each other's lives all our live.

it's pure magic xx

it's a kind of magic*

My beautiful friends, 

I planned to write a long and in detail post about how much each of your friendships mean to me...but just finished cleaning the house before we leave tomorrow for Cape Town. 

And got VERY exciting news tonite. Just heard that we can take Kellen home with us on Friday!!!! (freaking out!) 

We thought...in our minds....taking day for day...trusting the process.....:-) I fly out tomorrow, arrive in cpt on friday, go visit with Kellen every second day, and in two weeks we can bring him home with us. 

It was all still very unreal/surreal for us. Then tonite they phoned us and said to make preparations to bring him home with us on Friday.  I freaked out in a good way! 

Thank you for sitting with me, feeling, sharing, comforting, with me through this year. 

Your friendship mean made me feel valued and special. 

I treasure each one of you. 

Please keep contact, as I'll still try to post some photos, but having not been a mom yet, I do not know what this journey is going to be like! (being a teacher you think you know...) but I know nothing...just how to love!!! (which is pretty great!) 

I love you and thank you from the bottom of my heart! xx

there are no accidents*

Do you feel the magic all around you? 

Isn't it funny how things happen in our life? 

How you wonder why this and that? 

And not that and this? 

How many times don't we ask WHY? 

Why not? 

But WHEN!? 

Just before the magical phone call from my friend, I received an email from a very dear friend. At the end of his email he said : "watch this movie and listen for the part "there are no accidents".

This past few weeks there has been many questions in my mind about all that is happening now, but watching this GREAT movie changed my questions into answers: 

1. there are no accidents = every thing happen for a specific reason in my life

2. B.E.L.I.E.V.E (listen for this...the best part for me in the movie)

3. I know the secret ingredient....do you? 

4. There are no secret ingredient = YOU are that secret ingredient

The whole movie is about protecting the scroll, in which the secret message is for the warrior. Eventually when Panda receive the scroll, he opens it up and it is empty.  All he can see in the scroll is his own reflection...on which his master tells him there are no secret message - you are it! 

It's all about self-love. Loving yourself with an open heart...

I'm reading 'women who run with the wolves' by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. 

"It means meeting one's own numinosity without fleeing, actively living with the wild nature in one's own way.  It means to be able to learn, to be able to stand what we know. It means to stand and live". 

"To take the world into one's arms and to act toward it in a soul-filled and soul-strengthening manner is a powerful act of wildish spirit." 

As there are 'no accidents' , I believe...words come to me on exactly the right moment...it confirms what I have been thinking about, something feeling and that just settles it, which make living in this moment so much more! 

I don't know what I'm trying to say...there is a million things going on at this minute, of which LIVING in the moment is most probably the biggest, as is the adoption and all the uncertainty of what must still happen, what can still happen, of dreams coming true, of hearts opening up and for others closing, for new adventures and new dreams... 

What brings me back to this moment? 

'There are no accidents"

B.E.L.I.E.V.E.

I(we)  are the secret ingredient/s

I'm just thinking...it is all about how you feel about yourself? I want to finish with this beautiful poem...which always brings me right back into this moment of truth. 

The time will come

when, with elation, 

you will greet yourself arriving

at your own door, in your own mirror, 

and each will smile at the other's welcome

and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was yourself.

Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has love you

all your life, whom you ignored

for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes, 

peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life. 

- Derek Walcott - 

what do you see*

i wonder sometimes
what do we see?

what do we choose to see?

do we only see that
which is right in front of us?

or do we see
way beyond what we
are suppose to see?

should we see
or even think
into the future?

i believe in dreams.

i believe in dreaming...
and imagining...
i believe in coloring your dream
bright and beautiful!

i believe in God.
i believe that He knows and plans.
i trust.
in Him.
in the process.

just sometimes
i wish
i could see
into the future.

today,
i see tomorrow
i see dreams
coming true
or being shattered.

today,
i count
35 days.

what do you see?

magestical*

We are having the time of our lives!

There is only one word to describe Canada....M A G E S T I C A L ! ! !

What do you think of when you think HOLIDAY!?
Sleep...
Eat....
Chat...
Laugh....
Pamper...
Hug....
Sleep....
Swim...
Appreciate...
LOVE! xx

My mom and I pampering ourselves...yummie!

My 'Big Dad' & I

M3 & I taken tonight...

I've realised again that I'm happiest when I'm surrounded by my family! With them I can be whoever I want to be, be in whatever mood I want to be, can tease them, and laugh with and at them, can cuddle with them, just sit with them, appreciate life and health with them..and smile at them... I love them all so much! My heart is overflowing!

On a sidenote....41 days....it feels as if my heart is bursting with joy and anticipation...with love for this little boy that I have only seen twice...it feels as if he is pulling the strings of my heart...every day... I told me mom today it will be a great feeling to go into a shop to look at baby things...and not to think for which friend's child can i buy something...but to know (in 41 days) that we can buy something for OUR little boy...we are so excited....but cautios....

TRUSTING THE PROCESS xx