wish upon a star*

Star light, star bright,

The first star I see tonight,

I wish I may,

I wish I might,

Have the wish I wish tonight!

Wishes do come true...

and when they come true, you have such a fright,

never in your life have you thought that it might actually come true!

So be careful for what you wish for...:-) they might just come true!

M3 and I are visiting my parents in Slave Lake, Canada for a few weeks in preparation of parenthood. What are we expecting to happen? We have no idea! We are trusting the process, taking just one day at a time. Just one day... even though your heart gets an extra beat when you think about it all... it's calming down time... living in the present...only need to feel today...right now... thinking about that... my family are all still fast asleep.

M3 and my dad went quadbiking yesterday for 120km's, came back dusted and sunburned! I giggled when I saw M3, he looked like a little school boy with only his eyes recognisiable. We had the most beautiful sunny days. Today is a bit more clouded...which makes me think of time to slow down... and just relish in the memories and thoughts of what is to come!

On Wednesday we are leaving for Jasper National Park as well as Lake Louise and Banff for about 10 days. M3 has never been in Canada and I wish I could capture the awe in his expression as he nourish and breathe in the beauty of Alberta!

Something that makes me really excited is that I'll be meeting this gorgeous photographer & poet! (It amazes me how small our world are.. her parents live in the same town mine does.) Not even to talk about being in the same country as she is... just 2.5 hours away. Just thinking...I'm waiting for the thunderstorm today... to imagine her racing on her bicycle through the rain!

A fun thing for me to do when arriving on an airport is to see which destinations are on the board for arrivals and depatures.... imagining myself jetting off to that place! While waiting for my mom on Heathrow Airport Thursday morning, I imagined returning from New York, Seattle, Toronto, Portland, San Francisco, Peru, (just to name a few).. and instantly realised that our lives are changing as from 2 weeks ago with this little blessing coming into our lives! I remember thinking great! we'll just to postpone our plans for a few years! Promising myself that we will inspire this little boy (and all our other children - this is just the beginning) to pursue their dreams... of which travel will be one! Seeing how M3 's face lit up being in a different country, embodied that dream and realisation that we have to live our lifes in a way that we can show our children how to embrace life to the fullest! Whichever road you take, whichever dream you dream!

I'm in a very exciting and content phase in my life at this very moment. Since living for this very minute, right now, my life have become more simple, and livable, and i love every minute of it! It is freeing not dwelling on the past, not thinking of the future, to just be in this moment. Along with this also comes an awareness of huge changes that are going to occur, life changing, financial changes... but none of this scares me as I know that what is happening and where we are, is exactly where we are meant to be. I want to get all excited with joy and anticipation of what is to come, but pulling me back to right now, makes me aware that I'm aware of my own feelings of things that I might loose, which is challenged with the magnitude of what are going to gain.

It's funny how you think about things and as soon as you want to write it down, you think about every word you write.

This morning I went to read how my friend is doing... and what is going on in her life. When opening her blog, I saw a beautiful photo of a star and the heading is wish upon a star, wishes do come true... I was going to post to her to really wish, because they do come true! She named the star 'Kellen's star'! wish made the tears well to my eyes and goosebumps all over my body... thank you my friend, for keeping our dream alive! xx

Wish upon a star! Come on! I dare you! xx

54 days*

Sweet you,

 just back from my ‘whirlwind-dreams-coming-true’ week, with a moment to breath… and connect…i was going to write you an email, but what i want to say is my epiphany, my ‘accepting of the preparation for this very minute’.

this past year, living in another country, feeling lonely…. you know all that I felt through out this year… you journeyed with me…

In retrospection :-) today and this past week only… I’ve realised that (for me) God prepared me in every way possible for this past week. He used this year, in a different country, where I pitied and sulked and cried and felt so utterly lonely and deprived of friendships and family - He used this year to prepare me to go within, to look at myself with open eyes, no secrets to hide, no giggling to protect, no walls of protection, no people to misguide/mislead me to ‘be busy’ with other things, He used this year to help me to look at myself with an open heart, at every little and big detail about myself, to accept those I didn’t want to, and to embrace those parts of me that I was too scared to look at.

I did not know any of this before last week… before Monday, the 7th of June, I was searching for me, for my future, for where I want to go, what I want to be, who I want to be, and how and where and when… all the same emotions you are feeling. The big search for you don’t even know what. All you know is that you want to know, but it is as if and when you think about ‘what I want to do and become’… it just stop. There is this huge space…. and it just stop.

It brought me back to the here and now. It brought me back to living in the present,to reaching within and embrace all of who I am. It taught me to breath… to put my feet softly down - to ground myself. I feel grounded. I feel connected to myself. I feel my heart beating with every second that passes through me. I feel me, which is in normal circumstances totally not the me I used to know.

All the uncertainty channelled me towards my heart and soul. I know now that I am me.

Right now, at this moment, all we have to do is to trust the process… trust the process… trust the process….

So sweet friend, all that I just said here is my own epiphany of myself and my life, of what happened for me this past year, to where I am this very minute.

I embrace all of you… your uncertainty, your sadness, your not knowing, your fears, your excitement, your heart, your soul and YOU.

I trust your feelings, I trust your emotions, I trust your dreams, I trust in YOU. I trust the process.

Love you xx

This was my note on my friends last post, which is exactly how I feel... since Saturday a few not so new feelings were added. Just reading about a beautiful woman's journey and the very difficult road she is on, I was wondering where this road is heading/leading/going...I get all excited! to just think about the past, and then imagining just what exciting things lie ahead... especially with the magic in our lives at this very minute. 

I've come to realise these past few weeks that we don't have any control over our life. We have the power, which is love, to live it as full as we possibly and humanly can, through love. My sister-in-law did a angel reading for me last weekend when we were in CT and the first card I pulled was 'power'. She told me to imagine a cap over my shoulders... with a torch in my hand, which I'm holding up and there is this bright light shining from the torch. Then she asked me to close my eyes, to imagine holding the torch and asked me how I felt. 

I felt uncomfortable... I don't like being in such a position... on which she said two things... (1) control is fear-based...(2) power is all love! God shines through us, into our hearts and the light is the love from within us and God. 

Instantly I knew the feeling I had was fear based, knowing that my heart is overflowing with LOVE! Specifically these past few days, whenever I start to feel as if I'm 'freaking out' (best description :-), I focus on my power within, trusting the process and the fear subside. 

For me this has been a lesson in letting go, in trusting, and loving with an open heart! I am excited with the possibilities.. .I'm thinking... If I just think about what already happened in my life in the past few years, I'm over the moon to think what can happen in the next few...my heart just open even more! 

5 years ago when our 2nd attempt for IVF failed I went to church. The pastor was talking to the teenagers and I still thought wrong night. No message for me. I decided when they all get up to sing, I'm just going to disappear. Even before that, all of sudden, the pastor turn to my side of the church and said: 

"You, you who are angry with God, sit." 

Silently I sat down... and listened :0) 

That night God spoke directly to me and said through Phillippians 1 verse 6: "being confident of this very thing that he who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ".

I've carried this verse in my heart all these years. Whenever I doubt our purpose of being parents, I would grasp for this verse and embrace it. I want to say I think God is working with the good in us.. and all these years He prepared us for what is coming...'' and what is coming is GOOD! 

So, what have you been carrying in your heart for so many years? xx

 

gratitude*

These past 11 days have been...

magical! 

awesome! 

huge! (HUGE!)

unreal! 

special! 

dreams coming true! 

scary! 

information overload.

tears.

JOY.

Love! 

emotion.

flying on cloud 9

thinking.

changing plans.

amazing!!!!

feeling supported

and grounded.

connected to a higher source from within! 

beauty!

family.

freaking out silently from within :0) 

admiration.

braveness.

watching and seeing the hurt in their eyes.

breathing in the space around my heart...

wanting to....

swoop him up in my arms and kiss him all over! 

hug him! 

to cuddle...

to read stories...

to talk to him...

to listen to his babbling...

to watch him sleep...

to touch him softly on his cheek...

to kiss him in the little space in his neck behind his ear...

to play with him...

to sing with him...

and for him...

and dance! He loves music! 

breathing out.... opening my heart...

I am patiently waiting...

My time is coming,

I'm going to be a mommy. xx

* I'll still write every little detail down for you to share in our journey... today I'm trying to get my head around packing within a week, going to Canada for 3 weeks, returning to the UK on 17/8, moving house that week, and returning to SA to make a home for our little family for 5 months in SA... I'm hanging in the hammock on cloud 9... it's the most amazing feelings of possibilities...

GRATITUDE is the only word that springs to mind... xx

59 days*

M3 & our little boy

and counting...

we are legal guardians to this gorgeous little boy.  

59 days... then he is our son! 

We introduce to you Kellen Malan.

(Mighty Warrior in Irish... name his mommy chose)

CRAZY! please PRAY!

Life is crazy! 

God works in mysterious ways. Friday evening I'm flying to Cape Town, South Africa, to  join M3, to introduce ourselves to a mommy and her dad as prospective adoptive parents. (!!!!!!!!!!!) 

A friend phone me on Monday afternoon asking me if we would be interested to adopt a little one and a half year old boy...  and it is all happening now ! Within 3 days,  we are possible adoptive parents, no waiting, no fussing... 

I don't even know what to write. This is just all so huge! So real! so unreal! 

It's scary! and exciting! and mind-boggling. it's baffling! it's great! and wonderful! and the boy is adorable! 

M3 and myself is going through so many emotions... so i'm flying to cape town to be with my husband. So that we can hold each other, and talk and love and express and cry and laugh and pray.... and hope and doubt! and do whatever is necessary to just do it! 

I told my dad tonight and i thought it is huge to decide if you are going to choose between a job that pays well and one that pays less than half of that. 

We are not even on a adoption list. She is friends with a friend of ours... who told her everything there is to know about us.. she feels comfortable with us... this is just soo huge!!!! 

i'm opening my heart with every breath...

i'm trusting the process...

i'm trusting that God knows what is going on...

i'm trusting that He already know what is going to happen....

i'm trusting... and allowing... and oh my! this feels like living in the moment! 

please please please pray and tell everyone to pray that God's will, that which He thinks is the best for that little boy, (and us) will happen... i'm trusting it will... which ever way it goes. 

(thinking of doing something mad! here I go! ) xx

wildest dream*

To do something like this... 

(watch the video)

Statistically speaking, Lin, the odds do not look good... "Hey, just remember to love yourself no matter what happens." Spiritually speaking, well... let's see... "Ooh, la, la! Where did you get that tan?! Is that your passport? You know Matt?!" Just so you know which side of the fence to play on. Thoughts become things,      The Universe

There's always a way, Lin, when we work together. xx

some sweetness*

'Do not let your fire go out

spark by irreplaceable spark, 

in the hopeless swamps of the approximate

the not-quite, the not yet, the not at all. 

Do not let the her in your soul perish, 

in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, 

but have never been able to reach. 

Check your road and the nature of your battle. 

The world you desire can be won. 

It exists.

It is real.

It is possible.

It is yours. 

(Ayn Rand) 

Yesterday afternoon I spent 3 hours in Borders... there was a special on for buy one book, get a second half price - in the travel section! My heart skipped a beat.  After browsing and smelling and listening and hearing what all the different books had to say, I left with 2 magazines and a book... excited! 

Today was community day at our school.  Our school has been federated to look after another primary school in our town. To support them and help them to raise the standards of their school.  The whole school, all 250 children, came over to ours for a picnic on the field and then an activity in the different class groups.  Every year group was color-coded and what fun! It was manic! (anybody teaching will understand!) But overwhelming! and amazing! and some places really funny! 

I came home this afternoon feeling blessed and privileged and thankful... for teachers... and mommies... and daddies... and connection! Yes! Connection! Connection with each other, with children, communities, different cultures, to be able to travel around the world and to have been blessed to have met every person I know, whether in person or through the internet. 

Life is amazing! So utterly amazing... 

This afternoon I took both magazines, 3 different books, (love having too much to read right next to me... being able to choose and relish in every one!) a cup of tea, a blanket and made myself comfortable on the sofa... I think I read 3 pages... naturally took an afternoon nap. Tonight I feel nourished, loved, inspired. Here is some sweetness* for you.. hope you feel the same. 

1.  this video, 

2.  which I saw on her blog... 

3.  you have to see her beautiful photos! 

4.  this gypsy makes my heart race with excitement! She is brave and beautiful! 

5.  a real magical mermaid! 

6.  i.n.s.p.i.r.a.t.i.o.n

Just thinking... what am i doing to make my dreams come true? xx

listening*

"Here comes your second change...take a deep breath, here comes your second change..."

Since reading this post about cleaning, I've been thinking and feeling differently about it. I used to think that it is great if people want to do it, I'll do it when it is needed, but there is a whole lot of living out there! (which does not include cleaning!) :-) Then whenever I clean or iron I think.. so this is what normal people do in their everyday life? I need to normalize. 

M3 left Friday evening for 3 weeks to work in our beautiful South Africa.  On Thursday evening at class it started feeling as if my internal balance is getting heavier and out of balance...I embraced it... and let it be... 

Yesterday was one of those days...I had to literally do something to get my balance back. I decided to spring clean our house... from top to bottom. As I moved through every room I honored where we have been, the memories, the love, the life we are living! I came to the dining room and instantly felt this is my favorite room in the house.  

(I was going to post photos of our living room, but for some reason, let's say the universe trying to tell me something), I could not post them.  I've also been looking for photos of how our previous dining room looked  and all the photos I came across were of empty rooms, taken on the day when we moved out.  They spoke loud and clear to me: it's time to let go! 

Recently I read a story about a man carrying all these bags of his life with him.  He stopped to rest under a tree and when he moved on, he left all his bags right there. He said: 

"For one thing, I found that I was always right where I wanted to be once I stopped making myself miserable for not being where I thought I should be. The truth is you don't need to be who you think you have to be. Therefore, you don't have to carry those things through life you think you need to make you that person.''

On Thursday evening we had to come up with a short term goal and write down the steps to get there.  It can be as simple as cleaning the house to as wild as becoming a parachute jumper. (won't that be fun! Makes me giggly inside...imagine! :-) I've been having the idea for years to start sitting in stillness and just to listen...  to meditate and to really hear what my heart and body has to say...  I have not done this in the past out of fear... I would start... and after a few minutes get up, telling myself there is more exciting things to do! (Little did I know). 

While looking for the photos, I found these in a different folder and hearing myself telling the universe I did hear her... but need to let go through saying good bye... This photo is of our living room... here we sat many evenings chatting and laughing and crying! These couches makes me giggle... my brother and his girlfriend, who is now his wife, came many a night to visit us. When they would sit down on these couches they would start talking about how they don't communicate, talking through their own stuff... and M3 and I would just listen... we called it 'the white couch' syndrome... (it happened with other people as well). M3 and I loved it... it meant that they felt safe and comfortable... they trusted our space and our love, they knew we would just listen... on their wedding day my brother thanked us, and said: 'and that white couch, we would be forever thankful!" 

This photo was taken from the living room, with a 'view' of the dining room, the window in the back on the left is the kitchen. On the right is the entrance hall, another living room following on that and then our bedrooms.  I loved sitting here and just looking at our home... appreciating every little thing. The glass candle flowers under the mirror used to remind me of myself... my softness and appreciation for life in the little things...  I always burned them when friends came to visit in the evenings, to welcome them as they walked into our home...

This was a gift from my very first friend I made here in Chilbolton. I thought she was 40 years old... 66! I could not believe it. She is young of heart! Kind! Generous! Alive! Objective! In love with her husband of 45 years. She paints, she makes little gifts for people, she visits with the elderly, she reads and travels and know who she is. She shows daily gratitude for every little thing, she is funny! A grandma, she listens, she mothers and she says the right thing at the right time (even if you think you don't want to hear it). 

She made this beautiful gift especially for me. 

With the universe allowing me to upload this photo, I realised that I have what I need right here, right now. I have friends, even if it is only Sheila - she is an amazing woman to have as your friend.  Whenever I'm with Sheila, I feel alive! and vibrant! and wanting to do so many things! I forget about everything in the past and we literally just live for this moment! 

It's a joy to be with her! I feel blessed to have her as a friend. 

We have a black wood table against the wall in our dining room with some of our photos on. One of those are this photo of us on our wedding day. This was one of the two photos that the universe allowed me to upload :-)

I feel my love for this man... I know how he supports me, comforts me, make me laugh, protect me, 

how he feels ME and every bit of my soul...I feel him and I know that he is the one constant in my life... 

I'm greatful to have the next 3 weeks just for myself. To practice listening and listening to myself. It's funny how everything comes to you when you are open for it. This morning I read the following: 

"Just listen for a moment.  But when you do, I want you to try listening in a new way. I want you to listen with all of you to all of you.  Listen as though every part of your mind and body is trying to hear something. Just be as open and attentive as you know how.  Expect the unexpected." (from The Secret of letting go - Guy Finley)

"Breathe into your heart, soften and open more with each breath."

(Unconditional love by Ed & Deb Shapiro) 

A very sweet (& wise) friend sent me an email..."before you give the power to someone else...more specifically somebody else...decide for yourself what it is YOU want".

The past few weeks I've been in awe of little dreams coming true...

*  seeing a field full of red poppies...

*  and a field full of white poppies...both of these along my drive to and from work

*  my sister and her husband feeling as if life has come full circle... being so happy! 

*  a dream of my brother, opening a shop selling things HE love, this weekend...

*  M3 seeing his parents and our families this weekend in Cape Town...

*  looking up at blue skies...

*  feeling the sun on my face...

*  picking up old books that changed my life, to re-affirm where I'm going...

*  making a decision after 8 years of thinking...

*  picking my mom up from the airport in 4 weeks...

*  going to Canada in 4 weeks...

*  seeing my dad...

*  loving every minute of my job...

*  having a new love for salads...

*  hosting a garden party (with a treasure hunt)...

*  loving photography...

*  connecting with friends over distances...magical...

*  knowing what I want...

This afternoon when I stopped in our driveway, got out of the car, I heard the tjirp-tjirp of birds... in front of our house is a Jasmine bush (love them!)  and pushing away the leaves, I saw a little mommy bird, with 2 little babies in the nest. They just stood there looking wide-eyed at me...

I realised how precious life is.  

I realised how privileged we are.  

I realised how much I have let go off. 

I realised how much I'm loved. 

I realised I feel loved... and treasured.

I realised I am content... and my heart feels soft. 

I bought these peonies over the weekend and they are so 'soft', every time I look at them it feels as if I can pick them up in both hands, hug them to my face and flower them all over me. 

The word 'soft' keeps coming up for me... it feels to me as if I am embracing life... 

Also, with reading my favorite books all at once, the beauty of the written word makes 'me' feel embraced...

" The fuzzy caterpillars which fell from their branches and crawled back up again taught single-mindedness".

" Rather than chairs and tables, I preferred the ground, trees, and caves, for in those places I felt I could lean against  the cheek of God". 

" If one completes the journey to one's heart, one will find oneself in the heart of everyone else". 

  (Father Thomas Keating) 

" Your heart is within you and from there will fill you with grace". 

"  Coming out of your mind is a way of giving yourself the spaciousness to be still, to touch deeper into your own      depths".

"To go out of your mind at least one a day is tremendously important. By going out of your mind you come to your senses!" (Alan Watts) 

I feel love. xx

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww!”(jack kerouac)

Do something mad today! xx

tiny little steps*

Little tiny dreams,
require little tiny thoughts
and little tiny steps.

Great big dreams
require great big thoughts
and little tiny steps.

Do I paint a clear picture?
The Universe

Guess what a life! requires???

what tiny little steps are you taking towards your dreams?

friends blushing*

It won't matter that 10,000 doors might be slammed in your face,
because when door number 10,001 flies open,
revealing pathways of jade and gardens of love,
with flowers dancing,
fountains sparkling,
friends blushing,
moonbeams beaming, and
abundance abounding,
you'll completely forget about all the other doors.

Happens every day,
The Universe

Reading this I started giggling - how true that 'friends start to blush'...heehee...xx

hope*

A girl from South Africa (me), a girl from Sweden and a girl from Nieu-Zealand went to visit a girl from Canada in a little place called Hope Cove in Devon, England.  

What does all 4 of them have in common, except from being foreigners? 

Beauty! 

Giggles! 

Dreams! 

Possibilities! 

Love! 

Open hearts! 

Friendship! xx

broken*

i'm good.

i love my work.
the time i spend with m3.
i love going home.
i love reaching out.
i love all the little details in life.

i'm looking forward to this weekend - going to spend time with 3 beautiful girls.

but today is tough. my heart skips an extra beat when i work with j. (a 5 year old boy with autism). he is having an emotional hard time the past few weeks. he tells met the whole time:
'i'm broken. i want to be mended, i'm broken. i broke my mommy. i want my mommy.'

i've tried everything. at the moment i'm at my last resort just comforting him, holding him on my lap, rubbing his arm, back and head while on my lap... it helps, but just for a moment.

my heart breaks everytime he gets upset. the pleading, the sound of desperation in his voice when he say the above, the total sadness in his voice... this all breaks my heart.

why am i writing about him today?

it's a feeling of not knowing what to do... of wanting to take him home, to comfort him and to surround him with love... with cuddles... making stories where we go to space... or going on a journey on a train.

i want to get him a pair of socks for every day. clean clothes and baths full of bubbles.

i want to hear his giggles again...xx

ordinary day*

today was a day to play in the field...

to fly his plane...

to play hide-and-seek....

to look for me...

(heehee...it was so funny!)

"here i am!"

'Where?", he ask. 

 'under the blue sky,' i answered...

'where?!' .

  'right here.' (giggles)

' Oh there :-) '

together they walked as the sun started to set - shining on them.

and they lived happily ever after...

what dreams are made of*

Last night M3 and myself watched a double episode of this magical! program.  

They visited the Teas family who took all their savings (and family) to buy a run down, old campsite, which they have changed into this... 

their dream was to change the lives of children with special needs.  

We were crying with amazement for these people.  It touched the space in our hearts where we knew this is what we want to do! 

I'm putting this out into the universe, so that she can keep reminding us when we least expect it! 

What are your dreams made off? xx

super sister-in-law*

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. ~ Henri Nouwen

Thank you...to you and you and you...and to my 'super sussie' for reaching out, for not trying to fix it, but rather to share how you feel.  Your words have touched my heart, comforted my soul.  I once read that for every low there will be a high - after yesterday's post, it could not go any lower, and today, being back at work, talking with my colleagues, not joking or lying about my feelings, not being ashamed of admitting that it was a long and lonely week, not hiding the tears that were right there...

not deleting the post, not thinking it was silly to write it, not lying to myself, not trying to make everything ok, not talking myself into believing that I'm ok when I'm not...

sitting down tonight with M3, talking about EVERYTHING, him not trying to fix it, hearing how he feel, how I feel, how we feel, makes me breathing out with a sense of 'all is going to be ok'. (wise words of a friend in Cape Town.... whenever I went to talk with her, she will always end our conversations with 'all is going to be ok'). 

When I got home today and opened my email a display  of 'perfection' awaited me from my sister-in-law. She is my soul-connection, my heart-to-heart, my blood swooshing through my veins. She is a writer, a poet, an artist, a mommy, a reminder of 'connecting to your true-self right now'.  She is a breathe of fresh air. She is all the blues of the earth.  She is words. She is 'embrace' and she is 'love'. 

(Chantal is my sister-in-laws' name - how adorable and sweet

to paste in her name)

I would LOVE to write like Chantal, or Bella, or Denise or Jaime, or Darlene, but I'm a kindergarden teacher, I write and explain and draw simplistic. When I read the beautiful, sometimes poetic ways these beauties (and many others) write, I get this urge to go on a million courses to be able to write like that.  

So when I received this little book from Chantal, with a little note saying: "I apologise for the 'flash' on the pages, just see it as 'flashes of inspiration'  - it is absolute perfection. 

Tears were running down my face, that she sent me such absolute perfection, that she knew 'just' what to send, knowing that this little book will be enough, that she knew that 'a little children's book' will comfort my heart, is just absolute perfection. 

Sussie, 'i heart you'. 

that is all i can say. xx

* to every one of you who send me a note - thank you... you are included in this post as one of those that touched my heart xx