let's travel*

Istanbul! I'll go to Istanbul. 

Where would you go? 

love thursday*

on this beautiful, rainy love thursday* i love...

*  clear blue skies

*  open roads

*  wind pumps

*  the Karoo

*  clear skies filled with stars 

*  the 'nothingness' of everything

*  dirt roads

*  music

*  Steers

*  spring time

*  frost

*  possibilities

*  love

*  thursdays

*  love thursdays* (teehee!) 

a full circle moment*

At this precise moment, with Kellen running ahead of us, stopping, looking around, laughing, calling 'come mama, come papa'... I looked over to M3, my heart exploding with joy and realized, this here, right now is a full circle moment for me! 

About 11 years ago, M3 and myself went away for a weekend. We were engaged at that stage and we stayed in Simons' Town for the weekend, playing golf and having delicious meals in town, being young and silly! :-) 

During our stay there we went to Boulder's Beach to look at the penguins.  Being oh! so very much in love with this man, we dreamed together of 'one day' when we have children to come show them the penguins, laughing and talking about what their reactions were going to be, not knowing at that stage that we were going to wait 9 years for our little boy.  

During the long wait, you forget about all the dreams that you had for your little ones.  You pray and hope, but never dare to dream about the dreams of when they are there. It hurts too much. 

Giggle* at this stage we had to protect the penguin, cause Kellen held his hand out and said: 'Come Penguin, bite me'  He (the penguin) just duck down and ran! 

Having a little boy, so full of heart and life! is the most amazing feeling, the most amazing experience I have ever had.  Hearing him laughing, calling me 'mama', realising that I've dreamed of this precise moment before, truly makes my heart go round and round.  

When last have you had a full circle moment? Cause they come in moments...that moment when you think...'aahhh...but i've been here...i know this feeling?' Do you dare to dream? 

“Ummon addressed the assembly and said, “I am not asking you about the days before the 15^th of the month.  But what about after the 15^th? Come and give me a word about those days.”  And he himself gave the answer for them:  “Every day is a good day.” – Blue Cliff Record, case 6 (from Momma Zen, Karen Maezen Miller). 

Every day is a good day!

whispers*

The past few weeks I've been thinking often about our life...my life...and the life of our son.  It has been busy, crazy busy.  A year ago I was thinking about what to do with my life, where am I going to, I had so much time on my hands.  Today, I won't change places with anybody in the world - I want to be right here, in my bed, beside my amazing husband...:-) giggle*...waking up with our little boy in between us! giggle* (I can just hear the advice/disapprovement of some.... smiling eyes*) 

I've been thinking and reading often about Rebekah's journey to becoming the mommy of Ty...and Denise's journey to her son Cedar...thinking about tiny, little babies...how different their journey must be compared to mine who became a mommy of an 'instant' 18 month old...whom is now 29 month's old. In a little bit over a month, Kellen will be living with us for a year...the thoughts and feelings around this benchmark is enormous, and even though it feels so enormously big, it is 

just ..

pure 

honest

wordless

love.  

Heart -to-heart,

connected, 

no words, 

too many thoughts.

just,

pure 

honest 

love.

This last week things have changed...Kellen is much more cuddly and snuggles up to me all the time.  When it is bedtime, he wants me to stay with him to cuddle...to whisper 'I love you's where as the past few months he fell  asleep on his own...he started brushing my cheek with his...and will stare into my eyes with such love...it feels as if he totally gets what I'm feeling.  He has this new thing - 'mama - hou maag vas' which means 'mama, put your arm around my tummy, hold me'. Sometimes he will lie facing me, placing his hands on my cheeks, brushing up and down...smiling at me...falling asleep....opening his eyes quickly..just to make sure he is still looking into my eyes'..teehee...i adore this little boy...

Maybe it is because nothing else matters.  When he looks into my eyes, the world can come to an end, he is all that matters at that precise moment.  'Living in the moment' has new meaning to me...Kellen is currently sleeping next to me in the bed.  We had dinner with my brother and sister-in-law and he wanted to fall asleep in our bed...in this moment it is the best place on earth. Right here, nestled underneath his mommy's wing...legs right against mine...cheek against my arm...his warm breath flowing into my heart with every breath...

Thinking of Denise now who wrote about mushy mommy brain when you get a baby...it happens when you get any age baby...I have random thoughts, all pure love for this little man who is right now moving over to his daddy, cuddling with him..it is only love. Looking at M3, the love he has for our little boy...M A G I C A L ! 

I believe in magic...

and angels...

HOPE is everywhere...

in our hearts...  

In the miracle that is he.

He has a way that he pouts his mouth when he sleeps...

no words...

just 

this overwhelming 

feeling 

of 

pure

love xx

best shot monday*

Tea...cupcakes...pearls...feathers....ties....giggles....

best shot monday*

Life is messy, but oh! so good! 

wished upon a star*

dreams do come true...

what have you wished for lately? xx

every day is 'father's day' here*

What is a daddy? 

What does daddy's do? 

Why do we have a daddy? 

Do they love us? 

Why? 

This photo was taken right after Kellen was signed over to us in court. We went to the flat to have some 'Kentucky'.  When we walked in, Kellen ran over to M3 to share his lollypop with him.  Here Marcel shared a piece of his heart with Kellen listening to every single word his daddy is telling him...the only daddy he has ever known. I love the intensity in Kellen's eyes and mouth...I asked Marcel afterwards what he told Kellen on which he said 'i told him that dreams come true!' On which Kellen replied: 'Yes, i know..but can we get back to the lollie!'

 

M3 just got off the plane from the UK this specific August morning.  It's the second time he saw Kellen, the first was when he met us.  Marcel laid down to sleep and Kellen went to snuggle up to him, not yet ready to share a blanket, but right there beside his daddy...heart to heart. 

L.O.V.E  pure, honest, from the heart loving...

One Saturday i went out with some friends and Kellen stayed home with his daddy.  I came home to a very happy little boy who was potty training and drawing!! How amazing! The daddy? He was there..soooo laidback, calm, relaxed, drawing...he said he thought Kellen should try new ways of drawing...teehee. 

Today, on this very first 'father's day' we painted. Daddy was the 'painting'...teehee...we stayed in our pj's the whole day, ate whatever we felt like and daddy watched cricket...while painting..and playing and loving his son.  It's moments like these in the photo, that I treasure...the overflowing love for his son is within his closed eyes...the soft kiss on his ear...in every little and big way he interacts with his son. He is such an amazing daddy. 

I have to quote Rebekah on this..

The best part, hands down, of being a mom...is watching Marcel be a dad.

all heart*

About a year ago my brother went to show us where he is going to open his business.  It was this huge open space, kind of a store, and we walked in with imaginations of how it is going to look.  He is living his dream today...

While we were walking from the one side of this big empty space, to the other side, I saw this very delicate spiderweb hanging from a beam..and right at the bottom it was shaped like a little heart. 

I took this photo over a year and half ago...and tonight, my life feels like this.  In a good way.  

This past year...

1. we lived in a different country for 2 years....interesting = preparation
2. within a week, without being on a waiting list, accepting our 'fate' as to not being able to have children, somebody phoned us on the Monday, the next Monday they met us and on the Tuesday they signed the most adorable little boy over to us....unreal
3. we came back to our birth country to fetch our son and decided to stay, not even going back to get our belongings..we did everything over the phone....fantastic! 
4. we were first time parents....crazy! 
5. we lived with family for 8 months....super crazy but fabulous! 
6. we moved back into our house that we rented out for 2 years...absolute perfection
7. I went back to my own business....drama
8. went through a crazy time now with the poor economy and our business, that I thought was in trouble, is just going through a difficult period....realisation
9. I had to protect myself...with lawyers....terrible...unreal!
10. learning in depth what 'emotional intelligence' means...scary :-) 
11. learning so much about myself....head on...so hard!  
12. through all this,  there is this cute little boy who calls me mama...and my heart crumbles and nothing else matters...
13. the 3 of us...inseparable
14. life happens - gratitude and absolute amazement! 

These last few weeks were so hard...I told my husband 4 nights ago I don't feel equipped to manage a business going through a difficult time.  It feels as if the staff are blaming me (and I just started working again on the 1st of June)...he just laughed and said but you have been doing it for 4 years before we left for the UK...

Looking at the photo...teehee...just had an interesting conversation with my husband about it...it feels as if i've been 'stretched thinly'...teehee...then he said what he sees is that our happiness depends on me being thinly stretched....(maybe i need to make time to breath)...but no, that is not it at all. 

Looking at the photo: 

at the top is life with all it aspects...

then it is the thin line...which represents that my heart and soul are very delicate right now, having to do and say and protect myself and my business from a financial point of view...and i'm so not the money person! :-) but i'm chancing that...'i love money. money is important.  i have to pay myself first. everything comes to me easily and comfortably. Mantras...yummy! Calming me down in an instant! :-) 

then you see the BIG full beautiful, gorgeous amazing heart at the bottom...which represents to me the 3 of us...in this moment...with all the other things strung on the thin long line, life is absolute perfection.  My love for my husband and our little boy stretched way beyond any thing possible to describe....so big and wide and open and literally is my life. Us are my life. Love is my mantra. Everything else is just extras.  

The other night I came across this passage which sums up life for me...thinking in terms of my family, being a mommy, a wife, a business woman...and all the other things as well...love is all there is. 

When you work with love you draw others to you. Embrace this truth.  The reason for this is that love is the highest vibration on earth.  When you work with love people feel it, are helped by it and return to it. It’s a positive vibration that draws people naturally into its sphere.  Those who love what they do reveal that love through their work, and others are drawn towards their energy.  Because love is so attractive, it pulls to you what you need.   Just let your honesty and integrity shine and be a blessing.- Nick Williams -

Love is life xx

What sentence describes life for you? 

Wreck this journal*

Wreck this Journal play-along

I'm listening to the rain dancing on the roof...

coming here to get my weekly dash of inspiration from all your beautiful souls out there...

dancing with life. 

By accident I stumbled upon Jamie's blog and I have the book she is going to discuss...yay! I've decided to join them in the wrecking of their journals...heehee....it is actually quite fun! Especially if you love books! 

As you can see from the photo...I've started....my book smell of Marmite...heehee...and I'm washing off my own beliefs of what if's and how and where and why not? I'm wrecking this in a good way, including real life as I'm experiencing major challenges and dreams coming true at this very minute. Join us! Play along! Heehee! :-) 

* to add...i left my book out in the rain...heehee...my husband came running in saying our son left his books outside....the book is still wet...i'm trying to (with so much love!) dry the pages in front of the heater...i pick the book up..and feel as if i want to put the book close to my heart...and comfort it....having permission to 'wreck' this journal is quite liberating xx

a blessed life*

His favourite little red shoes...these are his

going-to-the-church-shoes,

to his dancing-on-the-table-shoes.

Giggling and playing around

before church

Kellen and his very proud daddy!


Yes, you may. Teehee x

The entrance welcoming all the grandparents...

written with lipstick on the mirror...

Kellen loved doing this!

My family...from left to right..

Marcel, me, Kellen, my mom, brother at the back,

sister-in-law in the front and my dad

Love live in our house...

Yesterday was Kellen's Christening. This beautiful day was filled with emotions...

9 years of waiting...accepting this little boy as a gift from God...

families coming together...blessed to be healthy and happy!

but also a day of sadness...it was the first time that Kellen's granddad, who raised and looked after him for 18 months joined us...Kellen was overjoyed! He was laughing and giggling and running to his 'oupa' (granddad) all the time...he is part of our family. He said that one little boy can bring together so many people in one house...'that is a happy home'...his eyes tearing up....

a day balanced in the love of God.

I feel full...to the ends of the world...my heart is overflowing...living in the moment...

full heart. xx

i love*

i love the way i feel being a mama...
i love the way he grabs me and kisses me...
i love the way he blows bubbles in my neck...on my chest...my arms...my legs....
i love the way he snuggles up in my neck...
i love the way he wants to jump and climb over me all the time...
i love the way he challenges my patience...
i love the way he wakes me up with butterfly kisses on a good morning....teehee...
i love the way he sleeps for 10 hours straight...
i love the way how he picks the same story every night...and gets all excited...again....
i love the way he listens to me when i tell him how much i love him...
i love the way how he whispers in my ear at night...sweet nothing full of promises and wishes...
i love the way he giggles with joy...

i love the way he looks at me when he wants to tell me something...

i love the way he touches my cheek...

i love the way he pulls his lips as he says 'mamma'...

i love the way he insists having it his way...

i love the way he closes his little mouth, making big round eyes when he is done eating...

i love how he looks me straight in my eyes...

i love that he does not stand back for other children....or adults (!)

i love the way he always want to help others...

i love the way he says 'bye-bye'...

i love the way he tells us...'whuve you'....

i love his love for other people...especially children...

i love his love for his daddy...

i love how he remembers everything we have told him...or taught him...

i love his love for animals...

i love his love for knowing what he want...

i love his love for life...

i love his love for me...

i love you, mama's little Kadoodle xx

knowing*

You are wise enough to know when you're hiding from your true purpose, or from an awakening, or a new direction. You are wise enough to know when you are avoiding, or distracting yourself, or playing games of smallness. If you are nodding as you read this, then find a way to create your own ritual. Find a way to tell the universe you are ready.

And then, bring it on! - Christine Kane

whuve you mama*

Kellen's perfect little sleeping mouth

Two days ago, at 4am I got in bed with my little boy who was a bit restless...I cuddled with him and immediately he fell back to sleep. When he opened his eyes, he looked at me...and looked again as if he is realising that i slept with him...on which he put his hand on my cheek, smiled and said: 'mama doedoe me''. My heart melted, tears welled up in my eyes and I kissed him all over...

Tonight, he got into our bed to fall asleep...I cuddled with him and whispered how much I love him, how wishes do come true and that he must dream big, big dreams and wish...that we wished for him...and that wishes do come true...he turned over, put his little nose against mine, and whispered back unreckonisable words which ended with 'whuv you mama'.

clearing room in your heart*

A few weeks back I cleared some of the rooms in my heart. I felt magical!

' I let go of the thoughts in my mind and said something like this to myself: Okay. I'm available. Show me.

The next moment a powerful wave of energy rolled through my body, filling me with an electric feeling of exhilaration. It was a sweet feeling of heat and light, and it ricocheted up and down and around my body. Suddenly the sweet heat and light seemed to center in my heart, and I felt a boundless compassion for all humankind. My heart felt like it was cracking open, with love adn gratitude to everyone pouring out. I saw all the earth and heavens as one big Being. There was no separation among all beings, all nature and myself - all were equal and one. We were all together in a dance of love and celebration. I remember turning slowly around in circles looking at the sky and trees and the people I could see in the distance. We were all one thing, connected by a quantum field of love and compassion. All of us shared our divinity.' (from 5 wishes, by Gay Hendricks)

You should try it... I dare you! xx

soul*

Soul receives from soul that knowledge, therefore not by book
nor from tongue.
If knowledge of mysteries come after emptiness of mind, that is
illumination of heart.

nails & hurt*

I'm not really willing to write this post.

but I'm coming out.

I have to. For myself.
mostly for myself.

being honest about the truth.

Also, you have to know that I like detail...and feelings and emotions and reactions...and clarifications...and honesty...that is me. All upfront...

I did'nt want to blog before I have not finished my new banner/layout...(but oh! to be a photoshop dummy is difficult! )

I didn't want to blog before I have not settled down, because I want to start a whole new space with my new experience as a mommy...being uplifting! inspiring! Positive! And post and write things about the good in life!!! The most important things in my life right now...are mostly all good...I just have to be honest about me. (i think this post would be part of the letting go)

I didn't want to blog, for all the same reasons as all the other beauties out there who feels insecure...and then all of a sudden...I did not have the need to blog anymore! (most amazing feeling!!!)

I also thought to myself - get out there...make your life happen...and stop reading about how other's live....

I also do not want to stop blogging because I've created the most amazing connections with beautiful friends and souls...and I want each of you to stay part of my life...you inspire me...reminds me who I am...who I want to be...

This past week I've been going onto facebook wanting to write in my status 'thinking about life' / contemplating on how to live my life / making changes in my life / thinking thinking thinking...

part of all this is that it is difficult for me to express what i'm feeling in words...

I know I'm so much more in real life!

All the things I think of people I admire...i know i am that in real life.

So for that reason, the blogging became sort of....not important...i tried to re-connect with all the people around me in my everyday life...but oh boy! It's difficult.

I'm a kind person. (this is not one of those posts/conversations where i write about who i am to convince myself that i am that...i think i just need to get this out there to the universe).

I'm a kind person.

I'm very patient.

I love people.

I love working with people.

I LOVE LOVe LOVE taking care of people...making them smile...doing something small or big to make them feel special...anybody...not just people around me...strangers / family / anybody!

I'm honest. Straightforward. Open.

I'm energised. I'm emotional. I'm warm and open for your story...I love hearing your story.

I talk alot. I talk even more when i get excited (and jump up and down, clapping hands when i'm really really happy) :-)

I love connecting with people. I'm really interested in how your day was...if you enjoy your work...wondering how your heart is? (how is your heart? )

I love working. I love having time to play. I love going to work. (just thinking, I love telling stories in detail).

I love being a mama! and a wife! It's the most amazing thing in the world...being a wife...and a mama...they go hand in hand...it's divine...(this will be my first post in my new space...mmmm).

but this post is about nails and hurt.

about people who says they love you and knows exactly where to place the nail...and booof...hit it hard...even harder if they can...and you smile...and act as if life is good. you are secure. and great. and grateful.

i'm so tired.

of smiling. and acting confidant. and as if what they say and do don't have an effect on me.

i'm tired

of breathing out...smiling...thinking to myself...'you are better than this..let it go'

i'm tired

of not reacting on things that really hurt my heart...

of trying to act as if i belong...as if i have a little space there.

i'm tired

of walking into 'my dream' and having to find my feet again, having to tell people that i have the right to be there...

i'm tired of having to proof myself to people that don't even add to my life (so why do i do that...they work for me....mmmm...thinking about this one)

i'm tired of not being able to trust my own partner

i'm tired of acting that everything is ok.

i'm tired of feeling insecure in my own environment around a dream that i built.

i'm sad (and tired) of letting comments go that hurt me

i'm done with people who say they love and respect you, saying hurtful things...and just letting it go.

i'm done with people stepping on me.

i feel like saying i'm done being kind and honest and all that things...but that would not be true at all...cause i love who i am. i love being who i am.

i realised i need to make changes if all this things happening around me is getting me to think negative and hurtful things towards those people...cause that is not who i am.

My siblings and i are VERY different. Or more..I'm totally different than they are. I'm sensitive to others' feelings, emotional, interested in people, I'll rather listen to your story...than tell my own...If you are sad, I'm sad with you, I cry when i'm really really happy or if i have not seen you in a long time...i'm emotional...

or mental as my siblings would call me. They think they are ALWAYS right and when someone else gives their opinion, and they disagree, they will smile and still think that they are right. For their obvious lack of awareness (yes, that's the word), i've always just stepped back, kept quiet, said 'i love you' when they said something rude/belittling to me, cause i know better. (i'm the eldest!!!!) They convinced me growing up that i was adopted cause i was so different than them.

Oh dear! this is just history...it.is.over. i'm 34..supposedly. life goes on. and tonite one of them was really rude again (of course they just made a joke!).

the only difference was that this time, I did not stand back. I did not say I love you. i did not think they don't know better. this time, tonite, i told them exactly how it hurt. no, i did not even do that. I told them exactly what i thought about them.

I would think 24 years of insults and jokes and 'teasing' and teaming up against me is starting to peek out...

(and now i don't know what else to say...teehee :-)

ashamed. no.

sad. no.

disappointed. no.

angry. yes. very.

upset. yes, i think.

on a mission. yes (to the world in a big, loud voice!) to all of you in a scary, tiny, whisper....

breathing out....speechless....feeling a bit naked in front of all of you...

On Sunday i told my mother-in-law i will not be quiet any more, i will not stand for her insults and disapproving of me as a daughter-in-law just because she is insecure. (she asked my husband in front of me if he thinks that Kellen (our son) just took a liking in me because i am a woman and he is looking for a mother figure. I looked at him, and then at her, thinking i must have heard wrongly and then said: 'no, he took a liking in me because i'm cute and adorable and the best mom in the world and he can feel the love i have for him'. (and then just let it go...cause she don't know better....)

Yesterday my partner told someone 'she shines in her absence'...(i have not been going to the school out of respect for her, not to interfere with her running the school...not to step on anybody's toes, because we have different management styles...but mostly out of respect for her)

Today, I asked my sibling to take my mom to the doctor if it's not too much trouble, but she is a pharmacist and remember! she knows everything! She sent me a text saying 'maybe mrs Care must get on the plane and take mom to the doctor'. (my mom's just visiting from Canada for 3 months...) She added that she realise my reaction is 'deeper issues' that i'm working through and when i'm done working through my issues, she will still be here to love me. Also, that she is really happy that she is just having boys, for they are not as emotional as i am. (she is not emotional at all...and has absolutely no awareness of herself )

'Mrs Care' did it for me. She loves me! She adores who I am. She loves how much I care for others. She loves how much I love my dreams. She gets really excited when I stand up for myself. She is really proud of me. She knows it's hard...but she says i must push through and be me. She also encourages me to be open and honest, to hurt when I hurt. She tells me not to judge myself. She reminds me daily to be kind to myself. To open my heart. To stand for what I believe in. Mrs Care loves me. I love Mrs. Care.

I think...I met her here in the blogging world....

Mrs Care,

if you are listening, please tell me how to handle all of this!

How do I stand up for myself in a beautiful, truthful manner without hurting others?

How do I go for what I know I want without being mean and stepping on other's toes?

How can I be honest and still be happy with what i see in the mirror?

Mrs Care, I need your wisdom...xx

soft*

I feel enveloped

in the softness

that is life

fragile sometimes,

protected.

an amazingly silly day*

Today,

I wanted to...

1. understand people

2. let go of frustration

3. know everything

4. understand Photoshop instantly

5. stand on a hill and scream

6. go look for yellow shoes

7. not protect myself

8. not be assertive

9. not be straightforward

10. and honest

11. move into our house

12. have all our things around us (and my husband back...he is in the UK)

13. not having to breathe through stuff

14. say what I felt

15. close my eyes and imagine him arriving into this world from us

16. not feel scared

17. today i got angry and it felt good.

Arriving home today after different silly little incidents that made me want to really express how i was feeling, I walked into the house. Kellen came over, took my hand and made me sit on the kitchen floor. He ran to the cupboard, open it and came running back, laughing, with the giggles* in his eyes, and the peanut butter jar in his hands. He made me open it...sat down next to me...showed me to go first...and we dipped our fingers in the jar...licked them off. Expressing the mmmmmm's and aaaahhhh's...He giggled* and said 'nog' (which means more)..and with every little giggle, I could feel the silly incidents falling off my shoulders...escaping from my mind...reminding me that those were just silly little moments in my day...that my day is amazing!

I took a few photos of his yummy little hands...this one spoke to me...

When we moved i lost my birthday calender, and I must admit that it is quite freeing to not have to remember to phone anyone on their birthdays. I just let it go...this photo reminded me of where I am/were these past few weeks...i let it all go...the things I felt I needed to do...the obligations towards others....the reminders to phone people...blogging...my career ambitions...these few weeks I concentrated on being human. On doing ordinary things every extraordinary day.

Seeing this photo, I'm reminded that I'm still holding on ...holding on to my ambitions of being a fabulous and successfull businesswoman, a super wife, an amazing mommy, a fantastic friend, sister, daughter...I still want to be it all at once....but the light is shining in on me...me opening up slowly....to scared to let the light in completely.

magical Christmas*

I love this man with my whole heart!

Together, we are LOVE.

On 22nd of December 2008 this little elf became

legally our son.

Today he is a daddy...

This Christmas, I am a mommy...

We are leaping!

Blessed into abundance!

I hope you are surrounded by people that love you

with abundance...

Have a magical Christmas! xx